Whenever I start to write I get intimidated and then I have to remind myself; your writing doesn't have to come from some place "brilliant," you spaz, it just has to come from some place that is TRUE.
Turns out I've been telling myself a whole lotta lies lately. Oh yes, the kind that you convince yourself are true after a certain period of time. The kind of lies that fester into every little crevice, the kind that thrive in the dark places and multiply until all the light has been overthrown. A virus of tall tales, anchored at the bottom of well.
These aren't the kind of lies that you can get off telling yourself forever, these aren't the harmless ones, these are the ones that paralyze you until you've forgotten that running, skipping, and galloping were things that you even did once, long, long, ago. (cue melodramatic music)
The biggest lie I've been telling myself is; I don't know.
I just keep saying it. ALMOST INCESSANTLY. Over the last two months I've been inundated with a truckload of questions, all asked with different intentions; where do you want to go? what to do want? do you have feelings for him? what would happen if____? how are you going to do that? is it worth it? do you want me? do you want him? what are you going to do about ____? red or white? which font do you like? HOW DO YOU FEEL?
....and you know what I say to all of that; I don't know. Shrug.
It's this default phrase that just keeps spilling out of my mouth, perpetuating this pesky army of lies and with each response of inaction, the lie keeps winning. By choosing to not KNOW, i'm further preserving the void, making the hole bigger and bigger...and the answers further and further. Sure, I know "not knowing" is okay to some degree, and for a certain amount of time. In the end, we don't REALLY know how things will unfold for us but what we do know is the RIGHT NOW, so I'm going to go ahead and call a fair amount of a "bullshit" on"NOT KNOWING" and I'm going to call is this instead (any of the following adjectives, insert where you see fit): avoidance, fear, apathy, laziness, cowardice, detachment, stalling....and I'm sure I could think of a few others.
Whenever I'm saying, "I don't know" somewhere in that stubborn little mind of mine, I've decided I just don't want to deal with the answer, because it may force me into making decisions I'm afraid of admitting, or feel incapable of handling. Or how about this one; because I think maybe, the answer will be the wrong one.
So what, maybe you don't have your five year plan...so maybe you really ARE simply waiting for your ship to sail in. Maybe you're embarrassed by your answers, ashamed by their simplicity, or confused by the weight of them unraveling into plain sight....but by not acknowledging them doesn't make the answer less true, it just diminishes their ability to come into the light.
You know what you do know, sugarplum? You know that last week was pretty fucking rough, you know that you were painfully vulnerable, the kind of raw that makes people cringe a little and suck air through their teeth while they avert their eyes in another direction. You know that you're not really "over it." You know that your value system doesn't need to match up to hers, or his, or that guys. You know that you'll never give a fuck about expensive glassware.
You know that you'll probably never do "a cleanse" because you think cleaning a blender is a pain in the ass. You know that feeling this way forever isn't an option.
You know that you made the right decision by letting a 'good one get away', not because you aren't good too, but because you couldn't force timing, or "rightness." You know that that other guy you just met, that you willingly fled to in your harrowing state, took advantage of you; your little bones, your eagerness, your hope that maybe he was a 'Prince Charming' and you know that you're still a strong, sexy, fierce woman, and all that matters is that YOU see it.
You KNOW you really don't need or want anyone right now, but you know that when the times comes, you are perfectly lovable... you know that the next guy will notice how your toes always curl up when you're thinking hard, or that you tug on your right ear when you're getting anxious and that your voice goes up an octave when you're about to ask for him to make an icecream run... and that he'll fall in love with quirks you don't even know you have.
You know that there's an undercurrent of adventure happening for you....and you know you'd be a fool not to let it take you, even if you don't know where yet.
Next time you're about to say, "I don't know," ask yourself- what is it that you're afraid of answering?
So honestly, what's one answer you've been avoiding?