You know what happens when you quit your job and you start three new ones, while also settling into your new rhythm and what the fuck to eat for breakfast now that office snacks are gone? What happens is, you have laser beam focus for a solid 72 hours, you put on soap operas for background noise, you power through and then you realize, (three days later) you've neglected incredibly important day-to-days; bathing, reading blogs, writing blogs, uhhh shaving, calling your best friend about "that thing with the condom and oh shit, I have so many things to tell her, I'll call her later after my brain explodes." Amongst other important things that a sane person does.
All that to be said, I'm FINDING MY WAY. I'm not just dancing to a different beat, except for I'm deciding which instruments I really want to use and in what capacity, then learning how to "do the dance," with all my own moves, straight up creation central.
Friday, my last day, when I went to my car after my incredible colleagues wished me well with brews and advice like, "As long as you don't encounter Charlie Sheen in Hollywood, you'll be golden!" I discovered my car was broken into; shattered glass, a missing iPod and a missing makeup bag (right?) I could have cried, or mourned my various palettes of Mac eyeshadow, but instead.....I waved goodbye to my colleagues, drove an hour in the cold, sans window, glass dangerously scattered in pretty pieces all over my seat, I cranked up my stereo, and thought, you said you wanted NEW, well, you're getting new, sister. Something about the absurdity of it all made my smile, a genuine GRATEFUL grin.
...the next day, I took myself out for champagne, Red Velvet Cheesecake, a Burlesque show, a mani/pedi and I enjoyed the extra breeze. On Sunday, when I received a call that my Mac computer wasn't salvageable after water damage and it was, "time to buy a new machine...." I said, "Thank you Sir," and proceeded to make myself an impeccable dinner, while dancing my new dance moves, sans music, the song in my head had a happy enough tune to try out some of that new SPRING in my step; you said you wanted NEW, well, you're getting new, sister.
.....when I caught myself clutching onto my phone waiting for my ex to call on Valentines Day, I caught myself- YOU were all out there doing it, honoring yourselves, smiling inwardly and whistling at the sexy thing in the mirror and I had my hand halfway down a box of Special K, out of milk and watching back episodes of Basketball Wives until 2pm. THEN, I pulled it together....read all of your amazing tweets, posts, encouragement and thought, "Woman up Chelsea, what's the matter with you?!" and BAM, twenty minutes later I was cooing at the entire Nordstrom's staff over my brand new Michael Kors heels and handing out my blog address to my new friends who were also single-shoe-medicating. Look, I'm not even a SHOE GIRL, but these shoes, on this day, for whatever reason had me prancing out of the store with a new swagger. I scored a new vintage dress and tipped into a swanky lounge for a full order of truffle oil Mac & Cheese and dessert and you know what happened? The grip on my phone loosened, I wasn't WAITING for anything, or anyone... because I had arrived. Best Party Ever, table for one, thanks.
While I was in yoga today I thought about the stuff, the things that would usually yank me into dark-twisty-chelsea, the things that needed fixing, schedules that needed cramping and while bending and cracking open my chest cavity, opening my heart, tipping it upside down and toppling over, I felt 100% rooted in love, gratitude and.....woa, shit is that.....happiness? I lifted my heart to the sky, closed my eyes and thought; you wanted NEW, well, you're getting new, sister.
My friends, my family, my skin, the people who shoot up my daily caffeine intake at the Buck, have all noticed the lightness in my spirit, they "hear it in my voice." I can genuinely, with the tenacity of a thousand gem-bellied-trolls hopped up on pure cane sugar, say that I AM HAPPY. HAPPY. I had to type it twice since the word has missed gracing these pages.
And with happiness, comes gratitude- I could say it every single time I write something, but I am grateful for you- for sifting through my gibberish, for connecting, for sharing your stories with me- for revisiting your broken hearts and handing your mended ones in my direction for encouragement. Every email, every comment, tweet, post- I read them all and want to individually grab you all and give you a be SMACK on the cheek, a lip smack of course. Thank you Valentines Warriors who participated, spread the word and treated yourself:
Habbala and all of her friends, Amanda who spent her day on her own Roman Holiday in Italy, Paula who took herself to resort for the weekend, VanCityFemme, Gina Marie Rose, Mama Said No, Amy Joys, Unabashedly Me, Coffee, Calculations and Colombia, Mmbizon, Jen who sent one of the bravest emails I've ever read, Grad Tao, Ronda Uncensored, Nicole's Long Way, Jenerally Speaking, Dare My Truth, Pure Katherine, Pirate Meghan, Twiggles and Sweeney, Asplenia, Ashalah, Lemmonex, The Debt Chronicles, Never Niche, Toy With Me, Erin B. Inspired, Lizziecatkaye, Jennifer Alaine, LivitLuvit, Doniree, Ameena Marie, Alexis Kwerk, Aprilstotle, Sativa Bella, Lola Sangria, Brandy is Magic, A Life in Translation, Hillary with two L's ...if I missed your Valentines post, shoot me a note.
The winner of the giveaway for goes to Twiggles and Sweeney, she'll be receiving cookies from Bitter Baking Company, a t-shirt from Dressing on the Side, goodies from the heart warriors at Pink Kisses, and a basket of stuff from MOI.
BACK TO REGULAR, SIGNIFICANTLY HAPPIER PROGRAMMING SOON......
I love you all. xo.
*Read another one of my guest posts on LOVE, here.
What does "HAPPY" feel like to you?