Monday, March 28, 2011

So, there are some holes in the story: I.E. Dropping a Bomb.



Sometimes, there are some holes in my stories.

....by sometimes, I mean often-because, as much as I'd like to share every single thing all the time, there's a bit of my life that because of circumstance, respect, other people, I keep private. Woa. I share almost all of my emotions, but I don't always share the pieces that triggered the emotion; the person, the job, the place or opportunity- here's the problem with leaving holes; there's a lot of room for assumption.

After my breakup, the one I so generously offered up every detail of as to aid in my grieving process, I dated a boy, one who I've written about very briefly and due to his online persona, kept the majority of our "relationship," private.

Here's what I didn't say;
I was horribly harsh, inaccessible, capricious, and wildly NOT ready for any of that, or him, because of that....I didn't just date him, but I dated.....a couple other guys too. Hashtag me unfair, but that's the way the story goes. Admittedly, I did a lot wrong during those 7 months. I treated people poorly and with semi-reluctant force, I tried to make it all something it couldn't be.

Here's what I didn't say; I left out the bits about some of those boys making me HAPPY....I was so comfortable sharing sadness and I suppose, protecting my ex in a way....leaving the porch light on, so he would never think I moved on, because truthfully- I hadn't, that I skipped the times there were rainbows peeking through.

When I did share rainbows, I didn't say, only 7% of me was "there," when we strolled down Haight-Ashbury, holding hands and gliding in and out of pastry shops, where he encouraged me to eat one of everything and over encouraging open ears- the few moments, I nestled my head up against someone new showing hardly an ounce of what could be "affection," 8% of me showed up.... that time when he told me the story about his Dad making months worth of stew, "the stew," and stocking the fridge for every. meal. he laughed so hard we nearly spit up our Malbec and extinguished the candles on the table...yeah, that time.... 12% of me showed up..... parts of me were happy, but the other 93% was always with My Love.

Here's what I can't say about my life; there's a few major story lines happening right now that are too major to tell yet- too big, too contingent, too sacred, too kick your face exciting......that only my closest circle gets updates.

Which, truthfully, at times makes it hard for me to SHOW UP here, in full Chelsea Talks Smack regalia all brazen and unnecessary, wearing canary yellow and tangerine at the same time, bearing updates and adventures.

Here's what I didn't say, and the hole in this story is not only big, but with reason was kept mum, longer that I'm comfortable with....Remember my Valentines Day Revolution?? Right, the day when after 7 months of heartache, I pulled it together, bought myself flowers and lingerie, drank champagne, went to dinner and a spa.......

.... well after I did all of that, as I tipped down a street in Denver draped in the moonlight with the intention of heading home to eat chocolates in bed while watching something heinously unromantic, for the sake of my inner rebel....I heard him say my name, "Chels......"

My Love. My Great Love Story. The one who fucking wrecked my heart. (too put it bluntly.) The one who was The One- stood there, wearing a silly sailor hat and a blazer, at that moment, on Valentines Day, on the same corner, in the same place, at the exact same time, all by himself...just like me. It kind of just clicked, the silent inner nod. We linked arms and walked back to his apartment...the last six weeks have been, incredible and incredibly intentional. Turns out Cupid does his job, tricky rascal.

Here's what I didn't say; while our breakup was the most painful thing I've experienced, hurtful, shocking, and deep- I also recognize that it was what needed to happen then. Annoying huh? That old, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" bit. Listen, we both had our "things," that we needed to figure out. I didn't say that, there were times when we still saw each other, and "saw each other," there were times when I knew he was still in DEEP, DEEP confusion and I knew he still wasn't ready for me, I didn't say those times were punctuated by months without a word from him- I didn't say that I also knew he still loved me, acknowledging that without the outcome I wanted would've been unbearable to carry.
I didn't say that I always knew it would be him. I didn't say that, a week before Valentines Day he called and asked if we could have coffee, but I stubbornly denied. I didn't say that I saw him trying to make it all "right" again- with words and actions to follow. I didn't say that when we're together, our hearts shine a little brighter. I didn't say that it's so much better now than it ever could have been, that I trust him and I trust US. I didn't say that I feel home again, in a healthy, strong way.

I didn't say it, because I've already persecuted him, painted him through my emotions. I told the story of a Jekyll and Hyde- how do you go back and convince the jury that he's no longer a villain? ..or that he's learned the price of his crime....

Here's what I haven't said; I'm happier than I have been in a long, long time- I'm the kind of happy only he can intensify. My Love has light in his eyes again. We're building a monument on sacred burial grounds that we once were, and with every piece we're deliberate about the foundation we're laying. Carefully chosen beams, doorknobs and walkways....there's a depth, a level of understanding and an optimism that is palpable....and really, for now, that's enough evidence for me to present right now. I'm going to bask in this newness, with all the old goodness reminding me that this is exactly the perfect choice.




Which is better to say TOO MUCH, or TOO LITTLE?











142 comments:

Jenny B said...

So thrilled for you, my love. You are one of the bravest bloggers (and women) I know! Kudos for filling in some of the holes, not because you needed to but because you wanted to. And beyond the blog post -- it's incredible to watch you live your life full out - the ups and the downs. It makes me so happy to know that you are the happiest you've ever been :) xoxo!

Laura Jane Williams said...

I salute you. That is all.

Kayta Hackman said...

Been a long time lurker, and the only thing I really read in this post is that you are HAPPIER. The holes don't matter now.

Stereo said...

As long as you're happy, Chelsea. Really, that is all that matters in the end ♥

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Every blog has it's holes. You can't reveal everything, or what's left?

The annoying ones are the readers who think they have a right to know everything, in my opinion. And the ones who judge in comments or over email or whatever on what you should or shouldn't do with your relationships, when really, they only know (as you say) 8% of the story.

Good luck to you both. Sometimes these things just work out.

Poppy Gets a Life said...

Hi Chels,

This is so exciting. Really, it is. And your friends and family, and your readers too, know that what is best for you is what makes you happy. Don't beat yourself up about painting him as a villain. You said yourself the breakup had to happen - it was working its course and giving you the space you needed.

Thinking of you!

Best wishes,
Poppy xox

Elisa said...

Eh, if every blogger wrote about EVERYTHING and tried to never leave holes, then we'd have a lot of websites with people updating their daily breakfast cereal choices. ;)

It is funny the way that love and life happen. As soon as we try to understand them, to control them, they jerk away like a stubborn 3-year-old. "I don't WANNNNNNNA be held" they scream at the top of their lungs, and eventually run off to another part of the house to sulk. When the time is right, and often when we aren't expecting, a tiny little head peers around a doorframe or creeps up next to us on the couch and snuggles in.

While not necessary, thanks for filling in some holes and sharing some happiness. The world is always in need of that. Enjoy love my dear, you most certainly deserve it!

em said...

I am so glad you found him again. One of my besties broke up with the 'one' last spring. 6 months later they met again and it became even better than before. sometimes a little break makes it oh-so-much-clearer that you should be together.

that said she kept it from us for a while too - she wanted to be sure before announcing his return.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I've been there too. My love and I met when we were young and not ready and trying to figure out what we wanted from this life and what all of it meant. He made a few mistakes, and I made a few mistakes... but people learn and grow and that's just the point of life, you know?

We're getting married in October, now, after four years of growing and giggling and building monuments on burial grounds of our young reckless selves. :) You got this, girl. :)

-Jess, Louisville KY

hellotaylor said...

Oooooh CHELS. I'm so incredibly happy for you. This is beautiful.

And I completely understand, except in MY story, I was the one who left, and he was the one who somehow found it in his heart to forgive me. Sometimes, months and months apart are exactly what two people need to realize how much they truly NEED each other.

Lola said...

Wow, so happy for you.

hannahjustbreathe said...

WOW. I am so, so happy---simply, that YOU are happy.

Thank you for telling. Your story, whether 5 or 95 percent complete, is always a thrill, a joy, an experience, to read. :)

Clare - Never Niche said...

The Universe thinks she's hilarious. And she is.

I'm so happy for you and I stand behind you and your choices no matter what.

<3

El said...

xoxo

Lora said...

You painted yourself as hurt.

And now you are happy. That's all we care about.

Rachael @ The Little Birdie said...

Yay!! No matter what you told us, you were venting out the parts that needed to be vented and that's what blogging is all about. I'm sure everyone will agree that we're just happy to hear that you're HAPPY!! :)

linda said...

Isn't it odd sometimes how when we're reunited with a lover we're reluctant to share? I related to this and I hope you the best. Happy to hear that you're happy.

Stacey said...

So happy for you, Chelsea! You don't owe us (your readers) any sort of explanation, but I respect your need to fill us in. Nothing matters except your happiness. And now that you've found it, I am so thrilled for you!

Simone said...

I agree with the person above- readers don't have to know everything. My blog has "holes" in its storyline too because some things you just have to keep to yourself. Also, some things have get broken in order to be put back together. All that matters is that you are happy! <3

laurwilk said...

Happy people = happy world!
I know this story all too well. A year ago, I LEFT only to realize later that I made a horrible mistake. We too are buliding a strong foundation as we learned that CRAZY, STRONG, PASSIONATE love sometimes doesn't provide for all the things you need to MAKE IT WORK when something goes awry.

And all of those details? I have yet to share them with myself (you know, the deed doer) because I'm learning that it takes time to understand, to accept and to grow. Life, love, relationships and experience are all one big process.

You rock and I am so happy for you. I'll be back in Denver soon; let's get together!

kwerk said...

Part of me wants to be all, "Be careful! It might be a trap!"

But you often just know something is right in your heart, & if you have that you need to hold on to it. Everyone's path is a little different in how it's necessary to their story, what's important is that you are stronger & happier now.

& I'm so glad for you...I want to raise a champagne toast to you & then wrap you in a huge bear hug kind of happy for you. :)

Love.

Bonnie said...

If you didn't date tons of boys after a horrible breakup, I would be worried. I had one of the worst breakups ever that totally ripped my heart out and threw it back in my face. To get over it, I dated about 39242034 boys. Frequently, I had 7 boyfriends at once. None of them knew about each other. I rotated them in and out.
Then, I found Mr. A.
And I stopped all of that.

P.S. You're my hero.

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I understand this, Chelsea. I really do.

Sizzle said...

No one can understand what two people in a relationship really experience except them...and even then it can be hard to figure it all out. With that said, we who peer into your life via the glimpses you share know only a small percentage of the whole. YOU are the one who knows and YOU are the only one who is in charge, whose opinion matters. If you are happy, if you TRUST, then I am happy for you.

Delight in this. I hope it continues to flourish and be nurturing.

xo

~Haley~ said...

!!!!!!!!!!!

Excitement. Now, who cares about convincing your readers that he's not a "villian"... I'm sure we've all been through our share of relationship up & downs. Your happiness is what counts, and it's obvious he made you happy then and he's making you happy now. I'm sending you guys positive thoughts, hopes that this time is THE time.

XoXo

Amanda Blair said...

I am so happy for you! I think everyone deserves a second chance, so I think it's fantastic you guys are trying again. I bet you both learned the lessons that will make you last as a couple. Congrats!!

Nuit said...

oh how adorable!!! SO happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

Desiree Love said...

Understood whole heartedly

suki @ [Super Duper Fantastic] said...

:)

Amy --- Just A Titch said...

Just want you to be happy. Sounds like you are. Big love to you, gorgeous.

Just M said...

Hmmm...I could say a thousand things. And what I will say will probably be blunt and in your face but I'm sure it's not something you haven't thought about yourself. And I have to keep in mind that at the end of the day, you are an online persona to me. I haven't met you in person and I am not in your circle. I will not judge you. I will only say how you make me feel as a reader.

I've read your blog and listened to your stories when you were together and shook my head when he did things that made me cringe for you. And thought to myself that there is no way that you deserved what he did or has done. When you two broke up, I was almost happy that you didn't have to put up with the way he had and was destroying your spirit. And I cried with you as I read your words explaining your breakup and how you struggled to get through it and come out on the other side. Then I found myself blindsided by a divorce a mere months after your breakup. I went back and read your posts again and again. I shared your words with others that were suffering and trying to make it through the rediscovery process.

I'm a part of the jury who isn't able let him off quite yet. But that's not my job to do. Only you know what can make you happy and only you know what you can put up with and deal with.

I know how it feels when you hold on and hope and pray that he comes back and you know that he is your love. In my story though, that will not happen. And I KNOW it will not happen. Reading something like this only breaks my heart more and more for myself and it gives false hope to those that wish for something like this to happen to them. PLEASE do not take that as a smack to your face. That's life. Some people get back together. Others don't. If we always got what we wanted, how would be learn to truly appreciate anything?

All that really matters is that you are happy. And that your happiness is real. I wish you the best. I will be hoping and praying and pulling for you.

melifaif said...

Um, Whoa....Chelsea talks L.O.V.E!!!! I am happy that you are happy. Always and forever. Jekyll or Hyde.

mediumcrazy said...

Hi Chelsea, just had to share. I broke up with my guy when we were 21 and hurt him horribly. I had to go off and have my experiences and other relationships, and it was 5 years later that we got back together...and are now so happily married. I know I really hurt him back then and I'm so grateful that he could forgive me and understand it and never throw it in my face, so that we could go on to have the wonderful relationship that we have now, once we were BOTH ready. It DOES happen all the time and it can work out in the end...I give you a lot of credit for being able to move past it.

grittyrivers said...

That's incredible. Sometimes your blog is so powerful to me that I can't even read a post in one sitting. I've sat here several times with tears rolling into my nose unable to STOP reading.
Your stories are yours to tell the way you need to tell them; I'm grateful you continue to share this journey of yours with strangers such as myself.

Lindsay said...

I love this post and am so glad that you've re-discovered your happiness.

alexa - cleveland's a plum said...

being non-anon, my name, career, family, location, i.e. everything tied to my blog there's A LOT of instances that i don't share every little thing i'm feeling.

sadly, i just can't.

do i tow the line at times? 100%

but i've had a boyfriend for a year and haven't mentioned him once as my boyfriend on my blog just to preserve it.

that may change in the near future but i did what i though was right at the time (i.e. now)

you have to choose what to share and what not to share, and that my friend is how you control your blog.

good luck lady.

Meg said...

You can say as little or as much as you want as long as you're happy. Only you know what's best for you - we're surrounding by people who think they know better (sometimes, a very small percentage do) but when you're in the public sphere you feel like you need to make excuses and explanations. Fuck it. Are you happy? Is he happy? yes and yes? then get it girl.
xoMeg

Anonymous said...

...but where does this put the whole "he isn't the only guy in the world who can make you happy" perspective? i'm dealing with a break up, and i keep getting to hear it, so now i'm trying to figure it out...

ablogofherown said...

yay Chelsea!
If you are happy, we are happy.
End of story.
Love!

ablogofherown said...

yay Chelsea!
If you are happy, we are happy.
End of story.
Love!

Fizzgig said...

i did this same thing, im sure different circumstances, but i did it. i hope yours turns out the way i so hoped that mine would, to take him back and risk all the harsh words, funny looks, and doubts from friends.

because you know in your heart that it is right.

i wish you the best because I know how so very hopeful this situation can be!

eleanorstrousers.com said...

As long as the gaps are filled with "I'm happier," then we're happier for you.

Vanessa said...

Chelsea, when I read the posts about you two and how you were, I swear I'd never heard any connection quite like it. Like it was meant to be, too good to be true, how can you find that and let it go or move on?

I LOVE the fate aspect of your meeting again. It was probably the sign you both needed to be pushed back together. This gives me hope that with all my pushing, maybe the love Gods will help me out too?

Totally get the comment around villifying someone to friends/family and then how to get their support back? With time and positive actions it will come. So happy to hear you're happy! Look forward to learning more about other holes when the time is right.

cutefatgirl said...

You are fucking awesome. You have been able to verbalize so much of what I feel. I blog all of what I feel, and not all of what happens. And I never call my ex out as the shithead he is, because I know he reads my blog...and I always wanted to leave the door open. Thank you!

freckledk said...

....and I'm crying.

Oh jeebus, why am I crying?!? Damn you, Chelsea. You had to go all Rom-Com all me and get yourself the ever unlikely happy ending?

I don't think I could be more thrilled for someone whom I've never even met. But, again, I'm CRYING -- but it's a joyful cry, and I'm oh so happy for you both.

Hillary said...

You're happy. That's all that matters. You don't have to worry about filling in the holes or convincing a jury. You're happy! Fuck yeah!

P said...

There will always be people who think you've done the wrong thing by taking him back. I'm not one of them. We've all been in a situation where we HAVE taken someone back. Even the guy i am currently with fucked me over a bit before he realised his mistake so how can I judge?

I hope it all works out for you, because you deserve it to.

hellodove said...

Sooo last night I spent like 3 hours reading all your posts, like WOW.

This is big news.

And Every five minutes I would yell at my roommate about your life, while laughing almost crying and becoming slightly too emotionally invested in your relationship lol

I'm so happy for you dear ♥

-Color
http://hellomydove.blogspot.com/

mn said...

only you know where you are in your life and how you feel, no justification for that. good luck and just take it easy.

tee said...

As a blogger, you constantly have to tight walk across the line of saying just enough to get your point across while adding enough details to make your inner novelist happy all while carefully selecting ambiguous tones in order to protect the innocent, aka people who did not agree to have their lives detailed on a blog. Furthermore, when you go through something messy, when there is no black and white or reason "b" to justify action "a", it's a struggle to report what you REALLY want to report.

All I can say is kudos for telling it like it is. As followers we don't need to know everything but as a blogger you should be able to tell us everything if you so wish, no explanations required.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you won't believe this, but everything on this post is me. My ex broke up with me on june last year, and on feb we talked and we realized we wanted to be together again. While I was reading you I was shocked to realize how the same our stories were. I went through 8 months of making myself strong and better than ever, but I still missed him a lot. Funny thing is I started reading you around the time I was terribly broken, and let me tell you, You helped me so much. Every post was related to my life... including this one. The happy one.
I'm so glad for you.
The only thing left to say is let's hope everything works out for us, but if not, we always have ourselves. : )

Michelle said...

Ok... so I knew this would happen. I saw that video of his painting for you last year - I knew a dude who did that was just confused and stupid. Congrats and I'm happy for you and I TRULY hope that he realized what he tried to leave behind. So that street corner movie thing can really happen in real life huh??

-Michelle
twentynineblog.com

BeckEye said...

Glad you found your way back to your big love!

And I'd say say as much as you want whenever you want...but leave out just enough to make people want to know more.

Margarita said...

I think "too much" is best girl. Sure, we all leave out things. I leave out things on my blog all the time: like the fights I have with my bf. Because I'll write what I'm feeling in that moment and it will be harsh and unfair and I'll regret it the next day. Sometimes it's best to leave it be, reflect on it and touch on it in the future. A beautiful post, it made me tear up.

terra said...

So, so happy for your happiness!

Diana said...

YOU are the only one who knows what's best. I feel like crying because I get it - I know what that's like - to think you are going to lose the love of your life - but you really know that things really need to be worked out - because there are external factors that you have to deal with first - but you know you are meant to be together.
You are happy. That's all anyone wants.

Anonymous said...

Story of my life, except I was the one that broke up with 'My Love'. Even though we dated other people while apart he never gave up on me and forgave me when I came to realize he was the one. Five years later we are now married and closer than ever. Sometimes you just need the time apart to grow and learn. I am beyond grateful and I'm sure your Love is too.

Kim said...

I'll just echo the sentiment. I'm so happy for you.

Felisa said...

Reunited Peaches and Herb style. Here's to hoping things really are better the second time around! :)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thank you, thank you- all the words of LOVE, support and concern mean a lot to me. I know that during the breakup there were people that found solace in the details of it and for that I'm ALSO incredibly grateful...remember, things will work exactly as they should, and I hope that you can continue to find something in these blogs whether there's rain or sunshine. xxoo.

christine donee said...

You are awesome. That line can be so blurry - but so amazing that you have so much courage :)

xoxo
Christine
www.aquietdetermination.blogspot.com

Lindsay said...

Chelsea,

I am so glad that you have found happiness once again with your love!

Your blogs post-break-up always reminded me of the song "In My Veins" by Andrew Belle... basically that your lives are so intertwined that its hard to move on.

I'm glad to see your story has come full circle and that you and your soul mate have been reunited! Much love to you both!

xoxo

mshort said...

So thrilled that your happy again!

I totally understand omitting details to protect both yourself and others...

I have weird deja vu moments, and when I first read your story about the break up--I had a strong feeling that really wasn't the end for you two (I know, it's weird). Now it's come full circle! ;)

Gina said...

Wow, that's so awesome Chels! I'm happy you're happy because you surely deserve it. So funny how life and relationships work out. ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy that you're happy again. I must confess that I did pray, three times a day, for you to be happy, no matter how it was supposed to happen.And, my prayers are always answered positively.Why, I don't know, but, maybe because I don't express how the dreams should come true, just that they do.:o)xoxoxo

Chelsea said...

I'm so happy if you're happy. When you first started posting about your breakup, it was right around the time that I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I felt like you were writing my story instead of your own--like you took the thoughts right out of my mind.

I've been going on dates and meeting new people and trying to keep busy and occupy my time, but the truth is that I still think about him. I know that I needed to be apart from him at the time and that he wasn't treating me with the respect that I deserve, but here it is, a year later, and that doesn't matter anymore.

Your story is beautiful, and here's to hoping our stories parallel yet again. :)

Bluegreen Kirk said...

Great post well written! No one tells everything just too many details that can be missed and even those that are told will have assumptions tied to them. We read because we are interested and you are interesting.

Halley said...

I think that's just the right amount. Congratulations.
First time reader and I love the way you write. I also totally understand.

Kelly L said...

This makes me happy. It's cheesy but it's true: I'm happy because you're happen. The end.

wilybrunette said...

lordy, lordy, its love! and you get to do it your way, on your terms, sharing whatever you want--or don't want--along the way.

can i tell you a secret: sometimes i think my blog is one giant-long-letter to the one i'm leaving my porch light on for.

thanks for sharing. and for the nugget of hope that comes with this admission.

tryingtostaysane said...

Be happy Chels, no matter where you are I pray that you will have the happy beautiful life that I know will come.

sarah marie p said...

Congrats, Chelsea! So happy that you're happy!

I LOVED these lines:

"We're building a monument on sacred burial grounds that we once were, and with every piece we're deliberate about the foundation we're laying. Carefully chosen beams, doorknobs and walkways...."

Brilliant!

little t said...

Its better to say too little :)

Becky said...

First of all I am so happy that you are SO happy! You truly deserve it. Secondly, this is one of the best posts I have seen from you in a really long time. Your words are so vivid that they play out like a movie in my head. You are super talented. More than I think you even know.

bmouse said...

You are so, so stupid. Didn't that guy betray you and act flaky before? What's that about him not feeling 'ready' for you and being 'so confused' huh? I'm glad you're happy but at the same time I really cringed reading this.

Susan said...

I'm so happy for you.

marianne said...

from reading this post, you give me HOPE and peace. it's true, everything does work out on its own time.

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