I generally like to get where I'm going.
....I speed. I walk fast, (even in heels.) If I know that there's an ending point, a destination, I want to bulldoze through roadblocks, because I know on the other side is "my vision," so get. out. of my way. (fucker.) My nickname as a kid was, "The hammer..." because I just. wouldn't. stop hammering away until I'd driven the nail all the way in. I know, it isn't exactly a desirable quality and for those around me, the "journey" can be hellacious if I'm manning the ship- that iceberg? Oh yeah, BRING ITTTTT (as she tribal screams, a low guttural growl and grits her teeth.) I press the gas into overdrive, I operate in the red. On all levels.
Then, I look around and think, "but...what the fuck did I actually get DONE today? What was all this 'efforting' FOR?" Half-finished projects scattered around the room, fingers numb from days worth of super glue coated so thick, I've created a new layer of skin- the ideas are all, "almost there," everything organized in fragmented efforts- hopefulness divided, the perfect cocktail of "going nowhere," half-All-In, Half-well-I-fucking-suck-ass-this-was-a-bad-idea.
The one beacon of light in my day is that- My Love and I have moved back in together- and it's perfect. You can't really go from, "being together for a few years, living together, breaking up, dating indefinitely....?" This isn't our first rodeo, after what we've gone through, it's ALL OR NOTHING. All is better.
The thing is, we're not simply living alongside one another, we are companions in ALL THINGS and as true creatives do, we both have about 6-million-projects in the fire, but nothing has cooked through. So, I keep opening the oven, looking for that golden color that tells me, "its done!" While he's home from the road, in between tours, he's helping me get a lot of MY projects off the ground, or at least coating my psyche with a nice sheen of "you're a bad ass babe, you can do it." I would also be lying if I said I haven't been found curled in a ball crying about my fear that none of those projects, will "work."
Any time you challenge a pattern, you're going to be left feeling a little doubtful- you're jumping the tracks, you little rebel.
I sat on our love seat, the perfect amount of space that forces us to be close when I would prefer to sprawl out on the floor dramatically- here I was sipping Pellegrino on the verge of a breakdown- and something, "clicked." Not in the bright-light bulb kind of way, but it more of a Christopher Columbus realizing the Earth wasn't flat sort of way-this little piece of "knowingness" will change the way you think forever. Curled up against the one I love, in our 1920's abode, above an art gallery, next to record stores, vintage shops, wine bars, music venues and foodie delights, all things I've envisioned having at my doorstep-I looked at the shreds of paper on the floor, my half-crossed off to-do list, the crackling sound of all that is cooking in the oven.... my internal monologue took her little index finger, and flicked me right between the eyes- "PAY ATTENTION Chels....." and she said:
Look baby, I know sometimes, everything feels IMPOSSIBLE. But you are trying....and trying....and trying.
...and it doesn't matter if no one in the entire world can see it, you are showing up, for you, for BIGGER, for GREAT. Your feelings of inadequacy are simply that, feelings....not facts. Don't let them become more than an emotion, that is simply fleeting in its presence.
You aren't comfortable, because you are refusing to settle for mediocrity.
All of those little investments are part of the bigger, more meaningful investment which, if you didn't bite the bullet and swallow the cost, would be at the expense of your happiness.
Don't just have thoughts, have experiences and know that not all of these "experiences" may be grand, or fanciful, fulfilling or "meaningful"- but they are all a part of the bigger whole.
When you want to run away and sulk in your defeat, drag yourself closer; to the fear, the failure, to the person, to the moment....wade through the mud. If you're going to do it "eventually," try doing it now instead. TRY- I don't mean, "succeed right this second," there is no finish line, my friend.
If you're knee-deep in "it," remember what it was like when you could see your feet....then, drop it, so you don't miss that beautiful cloud that was in the sky, shaped just like a castle, or a pie and that MOMENT in the sky is all a little lie, because here on the ground in that mud that rounds your ankles, buried in the beds of your toe nails- that mud, will dry, and will be clay and that "DEEP" that you're in, will make you stronger within.
You don't have to a part of the 'Sons of' Club or the Better Thans, the world doesn't hold you in kid gloves but in their bare calloused hands- these hands, will leave imprints and will repair and are unapologetic for being naked, bare. You are held, tightly.
...And then you'll sit there and you'll say, "Don't worry, it'll all be okay-la, la, la, self medicate with sugary sweet words rather than defeat" and you'll say it again and again and inside your voice says, "well, that's sort of a lie, you Asshole," but what you've said is actually what will be- so live in the "Now" and the present and remember that there's a reason that you said it...and all the cheese aside, there only two choices- always- between the dark and the light...
and right when your optimism is about to get washed away......
...you may hear a little voice say, "Give me a name, define me, maybe even lie to me- I want a container and a box, somewhere to belong....what are you, anyway?" and you'll start feeling like maybe you've forgotten and maybe you ARE really nothing; but there is something there my Dear, there is something underneath that supple, swollen skin and she is begging to be released, to be seen and to win.
And when I could have stayed awake, steeping in my restlessness, angry that my mind can't materialize as quickly all that it can visualize- I looked around and the perfectness, of this town, of this man...of my home and my brain- the way that I think..... the journey....the journey......it's just another day. Inch by inch. When you're on the verge of something great, there's always the fear it'll be taken away- so stand on the precipice, at the bow of the ship, on the spot marked with an X for you to take your place in the dark, so that the show can start.
WHAT KEEPS YOUR DISCOURAGEMENT AT BAY???