I haven't been sleeping well.....
However, despite all of these very odd dreams that are mostly riddled with fears, I woke up with this scribbled next to my bed:
"THE MOST IMPORTANT THING WE CAN DO IS SET THE WORLD ON FIRE. WHEN YOU SET ONE THING, ONE PERSON ON FIRE....IT SPREADS. EFFORTLESSLY."
Now, I'm not an arsonist, but I wrote this, because I know thats the powerful that we do when we share, when we write, when we are willing to share GROWTH.
This last week, instead of setting my life on fire, I've allowed my fears to suppress the little flame to a perfectly contained furnace....I don't "do" perfectly contained anything.
My Love went on tour again and after betrayal in the past, the ability to bid him farewell with a long kiss on the lips and a cooler full of snacks for the road wasn't my go-to emotion, FUCK THAT, rather, I wanted to curl inside myself so that I would be portable too- pack me?
And while I am incredibly bendy, fragmenting the pieces of me to fit inside him isn't an option. While Fear was enjoying this chewy piece of discomfort, gnawing the shit out of it and licking the bones raw- my higher voice gave me the only TRUE solution; TRUST HIM. Lower self responds: "ew, sticky, ouchy, I don't like it! my insides want to kick someone! I can't, just give me another What If, to swirl into a nice devastation cocktail, I'm thirsty for more masochism." Clinging. Chained inside my own thoughts, my own illusions.
Our relationship is healthier and happier than it ever could have been had we not gone through the difficult period we did- we are communicating TO each other and not AT each other, he's doing everything he can to make me feel safe and loved and wanted, yet- I can't seem to let go of the fear that I'll have to endure a traumatic blow from his recklessness, despite his unfaltering patience, growth, and devotion to me.
Interesting huh? When you can't let something go, it does the opposite of what you actually want. He shows his dedication to the progress of our relationship and carries the weight of all my dreams, fears, wounds without complaining about how heavy a load that truly is. AH, we're actually. GROWING- truly....scooping out the weeds, so there's room for more, for better, for fucking fantastic.
Right before things are about to change, even in the most positive way, there's a natural instinct to cling to very last layer, to savor its presence, even when you want to be rid of it; fears included.
The thing about clinging is that we FORGET that it's in the letting go that actually allows us to break patterns and move beyond our fears. Easier said than done, when you've been clinging with Super Glue, eh?
Whatever emotion is taking away your life force, we have to remember there is ALWAYS an opposite standing beside it.....
When you're feeling powerless, choose to feel empowered- empowered in spite of whatever it is that is seemingly stripping you of your strength. There is no person, no scenario, no dollar amount, or corporation that can take away your power- its in our minds that we allow our innate powerful nature to be silenced.
FEEL FIRE, FREEDOM AND SUNSHINE AND TRUST AND ALL OF THOSE THINGS, WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THEY'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
Embrace what honors you and say "fuck off" to anything that doesn't (out loud if necessary.)
On my yoga mat the other day, my teacher said, "Now when you're ready (she pauses)....or, let me correct myself, we're always 'ready' we just have to be patient."
I am ready to trust, I just have to patient with my letting go process- I'm ready to find the abundance I'm working so hard for, I just have to be patient- We're always READY, for growth,, for change, for newness, FOR HAPPINESS TO HAPPEN TO US, to go outside our comfort lines....to stop. clinging. we just have to be patient, when we finally acknowledge that, change happens, patience dissolves and action occurs.......
WHAT ARE YOU "READY" FOR THAT YOU CAN'T SEEM TO LET GO OF????