I am writing this blog from a hammock. Yes. A hammock.
As if there isn't enough of a reason to find writing from a hammock suitable, I will say that, it's also slightly dangerous for both my body and my computer...and I kind of like living on the edge...which brings me to another point entirely;
...while I'm swinging back and forth here, unsteady and a little unsure of what's going to happen next in my "story"- the weather is that perfect kind of balmy that the onset of summer teases us with, there's just enough of a breeze to cue the background orchestra of tall neighborhood trees, doing their thing, rustling in sync. Fresh cut grass, the smell of chives, English lavender and lilacs mingle in the ether and My Love picks bundles of thick purple asparagus and Swiss Chard to cook up, "look baby! We're going to eat this!" The childlike-gleam in his eye that's still amazed we can grow our own food and eat it.
My point is, I see it all. I smell it. I NOTICE. What's happening around me, right at this second that is perfect.
It would be really easy for me to get discouraged right now. To bellyache, to over plan in an attempt to find some comfort in the unseen twists and turns and ya know what? Usually, I am so Goddamn wrapped up in the "next," and the hustle, and the general lack of faith in my future that I've gotten used to surviving in this general state of, "worried."
I spend an unfortunate amount of time being absolutely riddled with this unshakable worry that I. just. won't. figure. it out. and you know what? It's fucking exhausting.
What's happening next? Who do I need to call that I haven't? Who should I be emailing? What best-seller have I yet to write? What way have I not yet considered that is going to be the key to abundant wealth and validation!? What pitch, what idea, what person have I not met, not considered, not CONJURED UP- WHAT AM I MISSING?!?!
Ah, yes- what you're missing? You aren't missing anything, but you're missing everything right now.
When you're busy talking about how "lost," how "uninspired," you aren't listening if guidance were to appear- to seeds of inspiration. When you're looking for the next destination, whether you're Googling it, or frantically scrolling through your iPhone for "Best Margarita spots within five miles" you've driven past three perfectly suitable patios, you've missed approximately 15 minutes of that story he was telling you, you've decided that the majority of your options "aren't good enough," and you've generally lost the point entirely. I know this because, I am this and frankly, sometimes I'm a pretty fucking miserable, asshole. I mean, I can be heinously difficult and discontent and it's not fun to be around for any party involved, myself included.
There's a difference between living on the edge and being the edge, especially if the edges are getting a little too sharp.
Today is about this hammock. And this weather, THE ABILITY TO BE HERE. OUTSIDE. BREATHING, eating a Costco size bag of Craisins, surprise kisses from the man I adore on my forehead in between planting new patches of raspberries, peach trees and potatoes. I see it. I smell. I hear. I'm here. Softening.
The phrases; it's just hard right now, things are difficult, I'm feeling stuck, I'm a little lost- are all banned from my vocabulary- I say them too often, thus I enforce them as fact when they really aren't they're bellyaching, they're discouraged, they're irritating- they're done.
I can be fully present, fully ambitious and fully inspired- I can exercise gratitude for the things that I have and the things I do not have, (thank you for not making me a Pussycat Doll even though this was once an actual, serious, and close goal- hindsight is 20/20.) There's a difference between persevering or being driven and being hard, which is simply, sometimes being, immovable.
I hope whatever you're going through, wherever your brain is today (thinking about tomorrow,) that you can find softness, NOTICE. see.
WHAT ARE YOU MISSING THAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU????