I've done this about a hundred times--- I run my hands across the contents of my closet, touching the fabrics, feeling for comfort and weight, then gingerly, like a ballet dancer preparing her pointe shoes- I pick an outfit, the outfit that he will break up with me in.
Something easy-- something, you know, effortlessly wonderful. That skims the curves of my body just enough, in case I have to walk away. Something memorable, but not too over-the-top. Something....that says, in a whisper, "you'll regret this later." Which naturally means, "makes my ass look wonderful and brings out the bronze overtones in my skin."
I drive up to meet him and play through how it has to go; cards tightly held in my sweaty hands... no tears. Definitely no tears. A sort of calm reserve to the "way things will unfold..." a quiet surrender. A chin held high. I play it all out.
....then, he greets me at the door as loving and as ready for me and US as always and I snap back into the reality of the situation, which is; he isn't breaking up with me (you fucking idiot.) He isn't running out. He isn't harboring secrets in places I haven't found yet----those are stories in my HEAD. This unforgiving, overactive MIND that is strangling, slowly, my life force.
I do this, see?
I do this thing where--I always ask you too many questions, fishing for red flags that point to devastation. I'll extract every ounce of inflection, intent, structure of the sentence and I'll chew on it, rolling these helpless words around the sharp incisors of my rabidly hungry mind , until it's this sort of nondescript mush of what was once a simple, likely-forgettable, thought.
I'm teetering between Totally In Control and Out of my Fucking Mind and sometimes, I don't know how to stop it.
I'm realizing---sometimes life doesn't DO what you want it to, but whatever winds of change come crashing through your imaginary rose garden, I MUST refuse to be the catalyst, of annihilating something before it can be 'so good'... I cannot continue to sabotage my own evolution....and in turn, happiness.
When a traffic jam halts the flow of my day, or a check comes a week too late---when "the plan," ends up being an IDEA instead of a reality, which inevitably happens--I refuse to be the reason it all "fell apart," instead, I am a contently peaceful observer in the unexpected advances. ADVANCES= forward motion= growth.
When things are changing in unexpected ways I will think of them as subtle, UPGRADES--better than my original "plan." I refuse to perceive everything as working AGAINST me and rather, as working creatively for me and the betterment of my SOUL.
What is it that that you're hanging on to??? Do you really believe that you aren't wildly, succulently LOVABLE and LOVED---that you aren't EMPLOYABLE, INNOVATIVE, VISIONARY??? That you aren't deserving, ABUNDANT, taken-fucking-care.OF. Why don't you know that are all of those things?? Come on, child.
You ARE all of those things. You. Me. Collectively, us.
So stop that shit. STOP IT. STOP. IT. STOP. IT. You master Saboteur. The title isn't fitting on you.
You can't start trying to change yourself so that you can love yourself, or your life, or your person...you have to love yourself FIRST, in order for the change to happen, perhaps, change isn't the word-TRANSFORMATION......that's better.
You hear that, Chels? Pretty hard to hear when your head is lodged so far up fears stinky little ass, eh?
Do you ever SABOTAGE your "GOOD?" and WHY?