Thursday, June 30, 2011

Self-sabotage, loving yourself and NOT BEING SO DAMN CRAZY.


I've done this about a hundred times--- I run my hands across the contents of my closet, touching the fabrics, feeling for comfort and weight, then gingerly, like a ballet dancer preparing her pointe shoes- I pick an outfit, the outfit that he will break up with me in.

Something easy-- something, you know, effortlessly wonderful. That skims the curves of my body just enough, in case I have to walk away. Something memorable, but not too over-the-top. Something....that says, in a whisper, "you'll regret this later." Which naturally means, "makes my ass look wonderful and brings out the bronze overtones in my skin."

I drive up to meet him and play through how it has to go; cards tightly held in my sweaty hands... no tears. Definitely no tears. A sort of calm reserve to the "way things will unfold..." a quiet surrender. A chin held high. I play it all out.

....then, he greets me at the door as loving and as ready for me and US as always and I snap back into the reality of the situation, which is; he isn't breaking up with me (you fucking idiot.) He isn't running out. He isn't harboring secrets in places I haven't found yet----those are stories in my HEAD. This unforgiving, overactive MIND that is strangling, slowly, my life force.

I do this, see?


I do this thing where--I always ask you too many questions, fishing for red flags that point to devastation. I'll extract every ounce of inflection, intent, structure of the sentence and I'll chew on it, rolling these helpless words around the sharp incisors of my rabidly hungry mind , until it's this sort of nondescript mush of what was once a simple, likely-forgettable, thought.

I'm teetering between Totally In Control and Out of my Fucking Mind and sometimes, I don't know how to stop it.


I'm realizing---sometimes life doesn't DO what you want it to, but whatever winds of change come crashing through your imaginary rose garden, I MUST refuse to be the catalyst, of annihilating something before it can be 'so good'... I cannot continue to sabotage my own evolution....and in turn, happiness.

When a traffic jam halts the flow of my day, or a check comes a week too late---when "the plan," ends up being an IDEA instead of a reality, which inevitably happens--I refuse to be the reason it all "fell apart," instead, I am a contently peaceful observer in the unexpected advances. ADVANCES= forward motion= growth.


When things are changing in unexpected ways I will think of them as subtle, UPGRADES--better than my original "plan." I refuse to perceive everything as working AGAINST me and rather, as working creatively for me and the betterment of my SOUL.

What is it that that you're hanging on to??? Do you really believe that you aren't wildly, succulently LOVABLE and LOVED---that you aren't EMPLOYABLE, INNOVATIVE, VISIONARY??? That you aren't deserving, ABUNDANT, taken-fucking-care.OF. Why don't you know that are all of those things?? Come on, child.


You ARE all of those things. You. Me. Collectively, us.


So stop that shit. STOP IT. STOP. IT. STOP. IT. You master Saboteur. The title isn't fitting on you.

You can't start trying to change yourself so that you can love yourself, or your life, or your person...you have to love yourself FIRST, in order for the change to happen, perhaps, change isn't the word-TRANSFORMATION......that's better.


You hear that, Chels? Pretty hard to hear when your head is lodged so far up fears stinky little ass, eh?




Do you ever SABOTAGE your "GOOD?" and WHY?




















49 comments:

missy. said...

all the time.. because it is easier being the one who runs away first because that pain will go away a lot faster than if they were to go first. i've been like this since i was a kid. the longest serious relationship i had lasted six years ON AND OFF. the poor guy had to deal with me constantly breaking things off and picking fights. even the relationship i am in now he knows i am always ready to run if necessary. he doesn't let me though which has helped with my fears and issues on relationships and love.

suki said...

Probably once a month, I try very hard to, but the ones who love me as much as I should (and DO) love myself won't let me.

Nicole said...

I do that all the time, of course it's all on accident. Or so I like to keep thinking it is. But now I'm working on my own "transformation" because I really do want happiness and love and every thing else but I'm too damn good at being my own worst enemy sometimes.

d said...

I am doing this right now. Right this very second (or week, or month, rather). I feel like I'm going to be fired at any minute. Irrational. I feel like my amazing boyfriend who never stops telling me I'm beautiful and smart and that he loves me is going to dump me at any second because I'm fat. It is so ridiculous. I need to stop. And will repeat the mantra you have outlined repeatedly until my stupid head gets it.

Miss Angie said...

Oh yes, I definitely self-sabotage. It's terrible!

I hadn't been by in a while and now I remember why I love reading you! Beautifully put, and how it expresses all of those things we think but don't say.

Stop doing that. That's what I tell myself, so that's what I'm telling you.

doniree said...

I have moments like that when things are good, like I'm just waiting for my luck to run out, the cash flow to stop. etc. It takes an actual effort to remind myself that yes, while life is an ebb and flow of perfection and transformation, just because I have it really good sometimes, doesn't mean that the devastation is just around the corner. I have to work to remind myself that abundance can SUSTAIN.

Tess said...

I don't so much, but my boyfriend does. He's in the midst of it now, and honestly, we might be beyond repair - there's only so many times I can forgive before I realize I might just be signing up for a life of emotional baggage and not having my needs met.

Needless to say, I'm pretty upset over it all.

Amy said...

I think about this all the time. It makes me think of the Rilo Kiley lyric: "And I say there's trouble when everything is fine/My need to destroy things creeps up on me all the time." Sometimes, I need to just chill the fuck out and enjoy---not everything is catastrophe bound.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Doniree- OHHHH,....."abundance can sustain." that needs to be a mantra.

Claire said...

We all have our own brand of crazy, right? And it's difficult to completely trust somebody after they betray you ... trust me, I know.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to solving the problem, yes?

Fizzgig said...

I have a hard time in my new body...i think in my head im still a big girl. Everyone tells me what they see but i dont see it. im almost terrified ill be one of those skin and bone people one day thinking im fat. I pick up my new size at the store and think it wont fit me, but it fits. this is too small i think...but i dont see me as small.

The mind, is a very powerful thing, and it never ceases to amaze me how much more thoughts mean to us than reality.

I can relate to this post, for many, many years. But i went to the complete opposite, over trusting, and oblivious to red flags when they did arise. I'm working on a healthy balance.

wilybrunette said...

oh lord. all the time. i expect the worst. instead of demanding the best from myself. and then when the guy i want doesn't want me (as it seems lately, they never do) i say of course and lose a little hope. oh to have a little more hope, you know?!

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

Oh wow, this definitely struck a chord with me. I do this ALL the time. I think, mainly, the it's fear of getting hurt or disappointed. And when we DO get hurt or disappoint, because we have feared it for so long it seems like the end of the world. If that makes any sense...

I think the answer is to live in the now, enjoy the wonderful things in life, and if things do go wrong just say 'fuck it' to whoever, whatever it is, and just keep on being awesome :)

xoxoxo

Julia H. said...

Boy does this sound familiar.

I actually just recently discovered that I do this when it comes to relationships (and, yes, some other things as well), though maybe in a slightly different way. My case seems to be that I'll like a guy, but once it starts to turn into an actual relationship, I begin convincing myself that there must be something wrong with him. Definitely easy to psychoanalyze that issue haha..

Great post..and great blog!

prettylittlereckless said...

Oh wow. This post totally reminded me of the last guy I dated and most nights and then morning drives home, I always wondered if this was the last time I'd be in his bed or driving home from his place. While reading this, the only thing I can remember is wearing my pink bra. I think of him whenever I wear it. I should really throw it out. I can't even remember the color of his eyes. We broke up and got together 2-3 times in the year we saw each other. I have Crazy Girl Moments now with the new guy in my life. Just so hard when previous guys ruin it and it's hard to trust again.

Great post!

Nahl said...

Chels, it seems cliched for a reader to tell you that they connect with everything you've written, but i won't be doing it justice if i don't mention it again...everything you said, every word, is how i react. this is it. And I thought I was the only one-i thought maybe that's the reason for everything bad in my life and the solution to that will be the solution to all other problems, but now, as you and everyone else who has commented here show me, it just seems like one more thing that we all have to take care of...if everyone is like that, or almost, then it shouldn't be a big deal, right? I wish I knew the solution. I doubt repeating words is of much help. I am constantly worried abt getting fired, or my friends telling me i am too annoying, or someone thinking they're sick of me, or failing my exams...like Missy said, i had a relationship for 3.5 yrs on and off too, and the poor guy had to deal with my constantly breaking things off and picking fights as well. Love you for this post-at least we're in it together. I just don't get how YOU can be still so confident abt yourself when you have so many doubts about yourself, too...isn't that contradictory?

Barbara said...

I think everybody does this. I know I certainly have. There are days where I don't feel good enough/smart enough/strong enough.

The funny thing is, lately whenever I feel like that, almost instantly something happens to prove the exact opposite. It's funny how life just works out sometimes. I constantly remind myself that everything is going to be okay.

Sizzle said...

Do I ever sabotage the good?

All the fucking time. Which is why I am in therapy. I don't want to do that anymore!

Lately I try to give love to the places where I feel myself closing off/sabotaging/guarding because those places need a big hug, a huge embrace. Those are just my protections and they are there to keep me safe. Telling myself over and over that I need to stop isn't working. Hasn't worked for most of my life. So instead, I look at them, call them by name, and wrap my proverbial arms around them. The more I welcome them, hopefully the less charged they will become. The more I will trust. The more open I will be.

That's what I hope.

jess said...

I used to do this frequently in my relationships but since have only apply this to, oh.....everything else. Being an analytical mind really can screw a girl up when she has fits of anxiety and paranoia. BAD COMBO. My brain I swear is tricking me into the worse case scenario when in reality after the dreaded occasion that set me into the fit turns into a minute nothing which leaves me feeling like a fool. It's frustrating! Some major self talk and reflection has "improved" this but I think I have a longer road. At least we know we aren't alone. :)

Clare - Never Niche said...

I feel this way often. Drew is attentive, kind, available, loving and I have this microchip installed in my body that tells me I don't deserve it.

musingsofheather said...

I do that all the time. It's easy to run away and avoid what is in front of you rather than face it head on. The people who love me and know that I can be better won't let me, though. We even fight about that because I am so hard headed (like my mother). It had proven to be a good thing. I have seen things about myself that I do not like and am trying very hard to fix them.

asplenia said...

Like ALWAYS, your posts always seem to strike at my core. This week my sabotaging is assisted by a terrible breakup where the guy is now slandering me all over Facebook. A normal girl without self-esteem issues would do the triple arm snap but nooo, I had to be all "I suck!!" which is a pretty shitty mantra. Anyways, this is why I <3 your blog. You always put it into perspective. xoxoxox

Sarah M. said...

Of all your postings I've read (I've been following for about 6 months now), this is the one that is most important to me.

Being a die-hard perfectionist that I am, I often self-sabotage myself when things don't go as planned. I've recently learned the lesson of just letting things happen and not using my insecurities to fuel any of these little changes, which could make things worse. Yoga has been my teacher in regards to these things, and you are my cheerleader. Thank you.

xx from Montreal,

Sarah
http://semplicemente-sarah.blogspot.com

Colleen said...

I used to constantly sabatage myself. I did the same thing you did, though in my case I usually cut and ran before the other had the opportunity.

MacGyver still blames me for "driving" him back to his headcase ex when I cut and ran away from him.

But I'm getting better . . .

Great post.

Kitty said...

Man, this one really hit home with me.

I am guilty of this, although not as much lately as I used to.
After dating a guy who mentally mindfucked me more than words can say for over a year, it took me forever to learn to trust again. Now, 3 years later, I'm with the man I am going to marry, who's wonderful and unbelievably patient with me, but I still have moments where I pick apart every sentence, look for hidden meaning where there is none, and assume the worst of someone before I even think logically of the facts.

It's hard. I want to apologize to him for seeming so crazy, but then I think, "Wait, but if I don't analyze every detail, someday he'll slip one by on me and fuck me over." It's ridiculous.

It gets better over time, but it takes work. Sometimes I literally have to talk myself through a "moment" of hysteria, as I call them, and remind myself of the facts. (Which usually goes something like, "He's not an asshole. He loves you. He's not going to pick cocaine over you or steal your car or blow all your money on booze.")

I wish you luck and am happy for you. Know that it will get better.

We deserve our happiness.
Not everyone who loves us will hurt us, and even if they have once, ultimately, it doesn't mean they always will.

We must always remember that.


Be well.

Justin @ My Woman Cave said...

Yep. I just focused on the negative in my relationship this morning even though it's amazing and I love my husband. Honestly, I blame hormones. Ha ha.

Cait said...

I self-sabotage pretty much constantly. I don't necessarily realize it, either, until I dig a little deeper and see that I think all the good things in my life are flukes. Like how my boyfriend must only love me for my physical appearance, since there's "no way" he could love me for my personality since I'm a huge dork and he's not. Or that my friends are just putting up with my quirks and that at any moment, they'll realize that I'm crazy and stop being friends with me. It's tiring, but sometimes I'm so convinced that those are truths that I can't do anything to change my mind.

Chelsea said...

I do this.

I didn't realize that I did this. But I do.

I'm afraid that I will never be able to commit to someone new because I think that I'll always end up pushing them away.

Mika said...

Self-sabotage is your subconscious mind and deeply rooted negative beliefs trying to turn itself into a reality.

Your mind can be such a bullshit machine at times. Your deepest negative belief is stemmed from your childhood.

You're either not worthy of love, not pretty enough, not good enough...the list goes on. Your subconscious mind can be very misleading.

Great news though, you can change your negative beliefs by loving yourself thoroughly, inside and out.

You are worthy of love and happiness, never forget that:)

When it comes down to it, the only thing holding yourself back from your goals, is yourself.

Mika Maddela said...

Self-sabotage is your subconscious mind and deeply rooted negative beliefs trying to turn itself into a reality.

Your mind can be such a bullshit machine at times. Truth be told, your deepest negative belief is stemmed from your childhood.

You're either not worthy of love, not pretty enough, not good enough...the list goes on. Your subconscious mind can be very misleading.

Great news though, you can change your negative beliefs by loving yourself thoroughly, inside and out.

You are worthy of love and happiness, never forget that:)

When it comes down to it, the only thing holding yourself back from your goals, is yourself.

My biggest negative belief is that I am not good enough... I try to fight fight that belief using affirmations and positive focusing.

Marisa said...

Amen sister. I always do this when I am convinced that the end is near because I refuse to be caught of guard and let my emotions run rampant. So I psyche myself up to be tough and cold and then BAM! I am totally wrong and feel like a complete fool.

hannahjustbreathe said...

Chelsea, I so needed to read this post today. It is perfect. I have definitely done some heavy doses of self-sabotage in the last two months, and it's only been recently that I've begun to pick my head up off the dirty sidewalk of life and realized that I am, actually, in control of my own fate. And if I choose to be miserable, I will be miserable! If I choose to surrender, I choose to surrender! It is, ALL, within the palm of my hand.

We are our greatest enemy. If we allow such a battle. I'm wavin' the white flag instead!

Susan said...

I ALWAYS expect the worst. The thing is, if the worst happens, having been worried about it doesn't make it better so you might as well not.

Kris said...

I do this too but I don't even know where to begin. I think there are too many things distracting and manipulating our minds. Yes, it not my fault at all! lol

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Rachel said...

I once got a similar lecture from a (creepy) cab driver at 4am on a Wed night. He told me that the only thing holding me back from world domination was myself. Then he tried to feel me up. But still, good message.

Sid said...

Sorry =(

Must admit that parts of this post were simply breath taking. You have an amazing way with words.

pickyourfuture said...

Wow! Found your blog on 20-something bloggers and I LOVE it! I totally do this too. Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like it's totally a girl thing. To us girls nothing is more important than that special guy and we care SO much that we end up just looking crazy and sabotaging ourselves.

Just M said...

I needed to read this again today. About ten times. I even made a post about it on my page, I hope you don't mind. I was full of self sabotaging moments today.

Elspeth said...

I'm working through all of this now myself. I think all girls do at some point when a boy is involved. let's see what happens...
PS thanks for reading my blog.

Zelina Garza said...

Oh my you are one amazing and entertaining writer. thanks for finding me. New follower!

Camels & Chocolate said...

I think Emily from the Bachelor needed to read this post and take some things to heart before all the dramz that went down! =)

And yes, before Scott and I were married, I did this all the time. It's odd how making it official relieves a whole lot of that pressure.

thoughtsappear said...

I hope I'm not sabotaging the good in my life right now.

I'm about to break up with my boyfriend of a little over 3 years because he says he's not ready to get married any time soon.

Ooops...that wasn't the best first comment to leave on your blog.

Hi, I'm Thoughts Appear. Nice to meet you!

Sophia said...

I am exactly like that. I hold on to moments that are meant to be insignificant. Little things, and it drives me crazy. Maybe it's because I don't feel good enough all the time, so those little moments mean everything, when in reality they shouldn't.

xo, Sophia.
http://apoetscircus.blogspot.com/

Toshiba Satellite L300D battery said...

DAMN IT! IT IS SO LOVELY CRAZY AND I LOVE THIS CRAZY DEED!

Nahl said...

How do we stop??

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