It's amazing....how swiftly dividing up your Life can be, when everything becomes Yours and Mine, and Ours isn't an approved possessive anymore.
In hindsight, we both knew. We just knew how hard it was going to be to finally walk out, the courage hadn't matured strongly enough, yet to fight through it.
It was about 6 weeks.....6 weeks, where I looked at him differently, every time we did anything, trying to etch it into my brain, burn it so deep that it would never leave.....since I knew, eventually it would. Silly things, ya know? The fuzz on his tummy, the shapes of his toes..... the sound he made when he put his nose on top of my head, taking me in. I watched my brain move through memories of his stories and ideas, our dreams together, and I grasped, hand over hand....trying to bottle them up, somewhere safe. Preserved.
This time, it's different. There was a very clear point, when we both new we had to let each other....be. We walked away knowing we'd literally given each other every inch. No regrets.
I watched my cigarette burn down, my eyes full to the brim, flooded with overwhelming ache...... "Can I please stay here tonight?"
We both wanted one more evening, where we could act as if we still belonged to each other. One more night, one more morning with sleepy heads nestled into one another....one more coffee run, one more nightcap before everything changed.
I held him in the dark, heart pulsing, shaking, our bodies fitting perfectly- the way they did....
"I feel so empty, I feel so dead."
In the way he always knew how to calm me, "Chels, you're more alive than ever. You're more ALIVE than ever." The rawness of my pain was so clearly, LIVING, breathing on the surface of me...throbbing, accessible, conscious.
"Everything in my future has you in it.... I don't want us to be done." Time always stopped together....I felt, if I just kept holding on, we'd never be apart. We were planning things, always- we were moving in October, to a new state...we'd met our "Someday" family, in our dreams...we already liked them, welcomed them...their tiny toes and their feistiness. I couldn't let them go.
"THIS IS YOUR DREAM..... YOU HAVE THE WHOLE UNIVERSE INSIDE OF YOU."
He said to me, while I hid myself inside of his arms, the ones I thought were made specifically for me. He was right, this was my Dream...he was my dream, and now....I had to walk away, knowing with my entire heart that we did every. single. thing we could.....some circumstances are just, unchangeable.
I have the whole Universe inside of me.....and one beautiful love story, that has strengthened my heart, opened me to the most vulnerable place- changed me, irreversibly.
We packed up my things, working together-- silently in sync.... detached still from the profound sadness that had now began to augment our lives.
"Promise me, you'll never feel alone.... you'll never look at the phone and think that there's no one on the other end to call."
He was, is, my Person. He said to me once, "Our souls have seen each other" and I know that they have, to the deepest capacity.
When I was sad, he'd say "I see you." When I was defeated, he'd say, "You love yourself....remember?" He'd known me...he knew my layers and how to remind me of them, when I'd forgotten and I knew his.
We sat there, on the bed, our bed---eating pizza, more for the activity than the nourishment....and he lifted his glass, piercing into me with those perfect blue eyes,"Cheers.....to our overwhelming success."
It was what he'd always said to me when we toasted. Finally, it actually made sense.
We, were successful. We love(d) so deep, so selflessly, cosmically.... we tried. We grew. We sacrificed.
As we divided our things into His and Mine....I knew, there was one thing that would never be divided, apparently....souls can't do that.
So.....My Love, as you will always be to me, here's to teaching me how big my heart actually is, to how magnificent it is to feel that love reciprocated and to our journey, together and now apart....
....I will love you. Cheers, to our overwhelming success.