Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Saddest Goodbye......


It's amazing....how swiftly dividing up your Life can be, when everything becomes Yours and Mine, and Ours isn't an approved possessive anymore.

In hindsight, we both knew. We just knew how hard it was going to be to finally walk out, the courage hadn't matured strongly enough, yet to fight through it.

It was about 6 weeks.....6 weeks, where I looked at him differently, every time we did anything, trying to etch it into my brain, burn it so deep that it would never leave.....since I knew, eventually it would. Silly things, ya know? The fuzz on his tummy, the shapes of his toes..... the sound he made when he put his nose on top of my head, taking me in. I watched my brain move through memories of his stories and ideas, our dreams together, and I grasped, hand over hand....trying to bottle them up, somewhere safe. Preserved.

This time, it's different. There was a very clear point, when we both new we had to let each other....be. We walked away knowing we'd literally given each other every inch. No regrets.

I watched my cigarette burn down, my eyes full to the brim, flooded with overwhelming ache...... "Can I please stay here tonight?"

We both wanted one more evening, where we could act as if we still belonged to each other. One more night, one more morning with sleepy heads nestled into one another....one more coffee run, one more nightcap before everything changed.

I held him in the dark, heart pulsing, shaking, our bodies fitting perfectly- the way they did....
"I feel so empty, I feel so dead."

In the way he always knew how to calm me, "Chels, you're more alive than ever. You're more ALIVE than ever." The rawness of my pain was so clearly, LIVING, breathing on the surface of me...throbbing, accessible, conscious.

"Everything in my future has you in it.... I don't want us to be done." Time always stopped together....I felt, if I just kept holding on, we'd never be apart. We were planning things, always- we were moving in October, to a new state...we'd met our "Someday" family, in our dreams...we already liked them, welcomed them...their tiny toes and their feistiness. I couldn't let them go.

"THIS IS YOUR DREAM..... YOU HAVE THE WHOLE UNIVERSE INSIDE OF YOU."

He said to me, while I hid myself inside of his arms, the ones I thought were made specifically for me. He was right, this was my Dream...he was my dream, and now....I had to walk away, knowing with my entire heart that we did every. single. thing we could.....some circumstances are just, unchangeable.

I have the whole Universe inside of me.....and one beautiful love story, that has strengthened my heart, opened me to the most vulnerable place- changed me, irreversibly.

We packed up my things, working together-- silently in sync.... detached still from the profound sadness that had now began to augment our lives.

"Promise me, you'll never feel alone.... you'll never look at the phone and think that there's no one on the other end to call."

He was, is, my Person. He said to me once, "Our souls have seen each other" and I know that they have, to the deepest capacity.

When I was sad, he'd say "I see you." When I was defeated, he'd say, "You love yourself....remember?" He'd known me...he knew my layers and how to remind me of them, when I'd forgotten and I knew his.

We sat there, on the bed, our bed---eating pizza, more for the activity than the nourishment....and he lifted his glass, piercing into me with those perfect blue eyes,"Cheers.....to our overwhelming success."
It was what he'd always said to me when we toasted. Finally, it actually made sense.
We, were successful. We love(d) so deep, so selflessly, cosmically.... we tried. We grew. We sacrificed.

As we divided our things into His and Mine....I knew, there was one thing that would never be divided, apparently....souls can't do that.

So.....My Love, as you will always be to me, here's to teaching me how big my heart actually is, to how magnificent it is to feel that love reciprocated and to our journey, together and now apart....

....I will love you. Cheers, to our overwhelming success.




66 comments:

KatieP said...

Painfully exquisite.

Chelsea said...

maybe all this happened so you would be able to look at the relationship in the positive light it deserved instead of the complete, earth shattering heartbreak of the last time. (not that this is any easier).

my last breakup with the boy i thought i would marry ended on terrible terms, and i have tried so many times since the breakup to make amends, to try to salvage some shred of what was, just to be able to feel like the whole thing wasn't a complete failure....and i wasn't able to. it's the worst feeling.

saying goodbye is never, ever easy. as always, this is beautifully written.

stay strong, lovely <3

Jaxie Fantastic said...

That was absolutely amazing.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

Heartbreaking.

But as someone who's currently mending, I can say with absolute certainty that sometimes things just have to end.

And when you've both given it your all, that's when you can leave without regrets. x

kelly summers said...

wow. completely heart-wrenching but beautiful. thank you for sharing and for being so vulnerable and real.

Gina said...

I'm so sorry; my heart hurts for you. </3

Clare - Never Niche said...

My heart aches for you both.

Emily said...

Your words are moving, take care sweet friend. Don't forget that part above all. xo

Amanda said...

You are not alone.
http://ciaobby.blogspot.com/2011/09/sometimes-it-lasts-in-love-but.html

doniree said...

Love you.

Kristin said...

Beautiful.

sharlyn emily said...

oh here i am , crying over yet another one of your beautiful heartfelt posts. what a blessing to have loved that deeply.

cari said...

It takes courage to walk away, and it's clear you're doing what's best even when your whole soul hurts. You've done everything you can for "us" and now you're doing what you need to for "me." Keep your head up and your heart strong, and just as Your Love says, remember that you're never alone.

missy. said...

i'm sorry to hear that you had to separate, but i know that sometimes you have to walk away. i've had to do it before and as hard as it was i'm a better person because of it.

good lucky lady, you'll do amazing no matter where you go or who you're with.

janet said...

that sounds like an extremely healthy breakup and i'm happy for you! I'm not sure why it had to end from the story you've so perfectly crafted here (you're SUCH a good writer!)... but i guess when it comes to our success, relationships can sometimes get in the way.

San said...

This way of parting is in a way the best and at the same time most heart-breaking kind.

Stevie said...

Heartbreaking and but hopeful, Chelsea. You have a beautiful heart.

meg fee said...

oh my god (groans as i say this). if this isn't one of the most beautiful things i've ever read.

pixie658 said...

Lots of hugs.
This is beautiful, to have this with someone, even though it heart wrenching and painful. <3
My first true love and I were able to part this way and we are great friends. Soul mates, as it were. I'm so thankful for that.

Anonymous said...

Yeah yeah yeah, if it was that great you wouldn't be splitting up. God, you kids irritate me.

Rebel Mel said...

I went through this back in march. I thought I'd never recover. I told him I couldn't talk to him because it was just too hard. I went out and drank my sorrows away. I drank too much and cried into anyones arms who would let me. I thought I'd never be me again.

I don't know when this all changed... But now were best friends. Seriously. And not the 'were broken up but are still doing it' best friends. For real.

I've even started dating again, and it's real.

It has been hard, but I am grateful everyday how it has worked out.

I know you'll get through this, and I'm here for you until you do.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

anonymous--- leave it be, you have no idea what happened and to honor the person I love, I'm keeping it that way. Does it make you feel better to interject with your nonsense? go away.

Liz said...

This is heartbreaking! Yet inspiring! Being able to walk away is hard, but sometimes it's what you NEED to do. In the long run, it will be for the best!

xoxo

Caryn said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Breakups are never easy. You are a brilliant writer and this was no exception.

melifaif said...

wow...your writing cuts deep. As did your love for one another. I believe you are stronger than I....many blessings. Stay strong....wow. you are so poingant. you know how to "touch there."

Peter said...

So perfectly written.

nicole antoinette said...

Love you, darling. Just using yet another excuse to let you know :)

brookem said...

i'm sorry that what you once had is now coming to an end... but it's so clear that you two will always have something. your souls have connected, afterall. this was poignant and beautiful. sending you lots of positive energy from boston. hoping your heart heals and you have brighter days coming soon. xo

Kaci Johanna said...

Your words are beautiful, Chels, even when beauty is the furthest from what you're experiencing.

I'm so sorry your heart hurts. I wish I had something with more substance to say, but the truth is I can't find the right words after reading such beauty.

But he's right... you're not alone. You're never alone. Though I'm sure that doesn't help much.

Ashley Stone said...

This is beautifully written.

ameena said...

once again I have found myself holding my breath as i feel myself rising and falling with every word you type. so beautifully captured. if i ever have a chance to experience a love like this, well, i hope my heart can take it. you're a beautiful person, Chels. hang in there. :)

Douchegirl said...

You got your second chance. You tried, you fought, you sacrificed. You were blessed with not just "one more night" but "a few more months." Be grateful. It will all get better.

JUST ME said...

When beautiful things end, it hurts like fucking hell...but this, you got the most beautiful, painful ending there could ever be.

It's light years better than an ending the implodes.

But it still hurts like hell.

Anonymous said...

Gutted. Spoken from the bleeding heart so powerful I can feel the love being squeezed out of you with a pressure impossible to bear. Looking forward to reading the next chapter of your life. You will get over this.

Jen said...

I fell in love with this post. I was gripped. Transfixed. Sad. Moved. Empathetic. I was there, and not just because I have physically/mentally/emotionally been there, but because of your exquisite writing. This is beautiful. You are beautiful.

Cheers to your overwhelming success.

Kristin said...

That was so beautiful it gave me chills...Clearly that person was brought into your life for a reason!

Emily said...

"YOU HAVE THE WHOLE UNIVERSE INSIDE OF YOU."

this reminds me of an Elliot Smith song, "Why should you want any other
When you're a world within a world?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJOOCY2rPwI

Claire said...

This made me cry. Literally. I'm crying right now.

xoxo

Amanda Blair said...

aw babe...but at least you know you guys gave it everything. That certainty is worth so much because it brings peace. The unknown will keep you up at night. I'm glad you guys are walking away in a way that honors what you two had, that is truly beautiful. You are going to be not only okay but better because of this!

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry Chels. I was so happy when you guys gave it another go- it was so wonderful to hear the happy in your words- and now so sad to hear the hurt. You are strong and amazing and everyone who is in your life is surely so grateful. Take time. Cry whenever you want. Just feel what you have to feel.
Today is a feeling every-happy-and-every-painful memory day for me. Sometimes they still sneak up on me, even 6 months later. We can only remind ourselves that tomorrow will be better.

Vanessa said...

Beautifully written.

Ana Magdalena said...

this gave me chills and brought many memories back.

Micaela said...

you took my breath away. completely.

i have been there...

re-reading your words took me back "there."

you will find your happy, you will. and you will be thankful for this time in your life that will make you stronger. you've already realized the hard part-- the courage to admit it is time to walk away. For reasons only you two can ever know-- you love each other enough to do that and though it makes the saddest good-bye, it all will one day make sense.

Thank you for your honesty. Your raw words spelt out so beautifully.

xoxo

Jasmine said...

This is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry.. Beautifully written!

jorjiapeach said...

thanks for putting words to my divorce. this was beautiful.

Jennifer Rod said...

wow. im speechless. so beautifully written while it conveys a very true reality of what love is...

linzi said...

My heart just broke for you both. I always wonder why things so beautiful have to end. Why? Why do they? We talk of time needing perfection - like the stars must align for anything worthwhile to work. But I always wonder if what love really needs is sacrifice. I guess you could call it service - service to the other in love. It seems that is the type of love that mends all possible heartache. I wish you the best! May your heart mend and you find something worth fighting for!

Anonymous said...

The bravest love is wildly faithful and it falls hard again every morning. It knows what we seek may be found in what we already have.

elledoubleyouu said...

Thank you for this. Thank you for letting us see your rawness and share in your beautiful tragedy.

Erin said...

goosebumps

♥ Kaylan said...

so beautifully written, yet so heartbreaking at the same time. i am sitting here crying my eyes out! (okay, i also just finished watching jane eyre). i wish you all the best. stay positive.

Paula said...

I cried a little reading this...wishing you the best of luck dear!

Surfergrrl said...

Awe sorry to hear that. :( Sounds like you both gave it your best shot. Sometimes those are the hardest breakups. It's almost easier to be mad.

Krista said...

This post almost made me cry. It's so real and so beautiful - and I can relate a million times over. Thank you for sharing.

Simone said...

This is really beautiful.

These are the hardest goodbyes: the ones where you're not angry, there's just love & knowing you have to walk away.

Thanks for sharing this! *Hugs*

Susan said...

I am crying.

simplysolo said...

Wow, can't believe I'm just finding your blog now. This is incredibly moving and so honest. You are a great writer... and it's almost like you are in my mind more eloquently explaining how I've felt in the past.

Dennis S said...

I started reading and writing a lot after my gf left me a few days ago. She likes to write too and I see you guys are friends here. The recent change of events taught me a big lesson that life is too short and that if you want it then you go get it. If its not yours then just trust in the Lord and willingly let go and He will do the rest for you. I just started writing on my own blog too. Goodluck and I know God has bigger plans for you.

MP said...

You defined in words what happened to me this summer...
And I don't even know if I'll see him again although he keeps repeating it, promising it
In different circumstances I would definately fight for this, but the world has other plans for both of us today, there is nothing I can do

I jut know he made me a better person, alive, positive, so incredibly happy all the time
Even without him by my side
;)

Kristin said...

Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Cheryl said...

FML. Mascara all down my face and I cant stop crying.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, CHELS.

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Anonymous said...

Nicely done. x

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Madikken said...

WOW! Your writing is amazing. Just by reading it, it felt like I was in the situation. It was so raw and open.I love your writing and this post!!

Love, Madita

 
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