Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On being positively irresponsible and healthily selfish. There's also a Tiger involved.


I feel different.

It’s funny…. The days you think you’re supposed to feel different aren’t usually the days you do. Your birthday, usually just feels like another day and every year Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween inch further and further away from feeling special, especially without serious planning and allotted time for tradition and childlike enthusiasm (all of which seem to need a calendar date, otherwise they won’t happen.)

The days you’re supposed to feel a significant change aren’t real days, because change is subtle.

I was aware of the drastic changes that were happening but I was in emotional denial. Sure, I had played them out- I prepared, I packed, I said goodbye- but I wasn’t mindful of all the shifting beneath the surface. I didn’t foresee the emotional tectonic plates that were turning me into an entirely new continent and how much of me was subtly integrated into all of the details, the details that make up the BIG THINGS and by “how much” I mean…..everything. My entire makeup was defined by this lifestyle I’d created and I had gone so far away from what made me feel…..powerful and alive, for the sake of feeling secure and needed, that I’m now realizing what that means: there’s a lot of extra energy is inside of me.

There isn’t any “We,” there’s just a Me and when it’s just a YOU, you’re also the only one responsible for taking care of how you’re feeling. There isn’t a fallback, a default, an excuse- for lack of a better term, to not be doing everything in your power to FEED your happiness. To not binge on blissing the fuck out.

It’s all up to you sister. All that extra energy wants your attention….so what are you going to do with it?

Well let me tell you, I’m going to embrace it, recognize its force- which to be honest, is a little frightening at times- it’s like raising a house cat, then feeding it some Wheaties and realizing it’s a Tiger. But, despite not knowing what to do with a fucking Tiger, I will feel through every cell of my body what it means to be self sustaining, positively irresponsible, untethered, self- reliant. Selfish. Yeah, go on now Child, be a little selfish- it’s okay. You’re not a bad person.

In fact, I say INDULGE, INDULGE, INDULGE- in staying up too late, in reckless flirtation, in taking your time, in giving mixed signals because you like green and red, in holding cards, in lingering, in calling the shots, in tables set for one, in knowing YOUR decision is the right one and decisiveness can be quite a rush, in Pinot Noir, in Girlfriends Only time, in listening to a new story, in calling when I feel like it, in going for it….all of it.

I will indulge because I’ve just discovered that there’s been this bounty in front of me while I was busy foraging for food, on the wrong property. Thing is, this isn’t specific to LOVE this is specific to Living.

EXPECT MORE FROM PEOPLE and the energy they carry, bring, share- because making excuses for them won’t actually help them find their subtle shifts, the ones they need and you need, to wake up. To step up to version Rad.0 (mhm.) When there’s a million things on your to-do list, manage your extra oomph appropriately- surround it with the vibey responsiveness it deserves and you will sustain it. Notes, to self Chels.

But really, since I do have a thing for the L word….I feel different because I realize this….

….being in LOVE doesn’t have to be exclusive to being with A love, if you recognize that you are love.

Yeah.

Energy channeled.


When was the last time you felt "different...." and why?

31 comments:

HK said...

Great post, beautifully written and the message rings true.

My marriage ended a year ago (6 years of marriage, 12 year relationship). Life is now both better and worse but mostly just different. A year of time has helped heal but ultimately I've realized the fear and anxiety I have now is no different than most the other women (like you) or human beings out there - and so I can manage. Life is good.

Nicole said...

Beautiful post! I always manage to read your blog when I need it the most, thank you!

Stephenie Zamora said...

I spent the last year in a mastermind program that helped me grow my business(es) and also was the catalyst for a TON of personal transformation. But after our last retreat, I suddenly felt different. I wasn't sure why, I thought that maybe it was a lot of little things that finally "clicked" or something... but I've since realized that the change happened the moment I finally decided to stand in my power. Stop apologizing for who I am and make shit happen in my life rather than saying "this is what should happen." I have been so much stronger, happier, fulfilled and inspired since that moment.

kelly said...

The last time I felt different was more than a year ago and it was a time when I really thought my life might be changing for the better. I think you hit the nail on the head, women of our generation could stand to be more selfish sometimes. Stop pleasing everyone else and make time to be in love with yourself. Well said Chelsea.

Phoenix said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome, and lovely.

Damn, Chelsea, you never fail to blow my mind with your posts.

Sara said...

Great post! This year has been a rough one for me. Four deaths in one year (and that includes my high school sweetie.) And it is amazing because through out all that pain you become so unaware of everything that is shifting in your life...changing you. Once I actually got a chance to stop and catch my breath - I realized I had fallen into hell and climbed out way stronger then I ever could have imagined...and damn to whoever tried to ruin my success in that. They weren't worth my time.

Great Post!

Marianne said...

This line blew me away

"My entire makeup was defined by this lifestyle I’d created and I had gone so far away from what made me feel…..powerful and alive, for the sake of feeling secure and needed"

Wow. Perfect.

Just M said...

Just yesterday I felt different. I have been in a long distance "relationship" and I use that word very loosely for about 7 months now and we skyped yesterday for the first time in quite some time. I felt different.

I completely understand what you mean like enjoying the L word but learning that being in love doesn't have to mean you have A LOVE.

I've always had a tiger but I have kept it has a house cat. Time to let it out of it's cage and see where it goes.

Inspiring post as always.

Lottie said...

I have just stumbled across your blog and I have to say I love it.

I thinking I am beginning the long process of change and how I look at myself...so change is all around me at the moment as is feeling different.

But a differnet vision is exciting and needed even if it is petrifying at the same time.

Windsor Andersen said...

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Chelsea Talks Smack said...

yay, hi new readers and thank you all for your lovely stories, comments, SHARING. This makes my hear soar.

lib said...

I just stumbled across this blog and it couldn't have been more timely. A week ago I was dumped for the first time in my life (I'm 23 and have always been the dumpee) by a man that I made a lot of sacrifices for and never really got much back from. I've been feeling so weak and broken, but your writing just blew me out of the water and reminded me that I can be that vibrant, alive woman I was before all this crap.

Seriously, you've got a gift. Thanks for sharing it.

Melanie said...

This post totally hit me! I'm moving from Colorado to Boston next month and I have a boyfriend here who I'm so reliant on. It will finally be time to rely on myself, do things for ME, be selfish. I've had a hard time accepting that I'm being selfish, but why not? This helped me so much--so glad you're enjoying you time. :)

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