Thursday, April 12, 2012

YOUTH: You're probably fucking up, but don't worry about, you've got time.


There's something about the smell of the air at 10pm in Hollywood, when the sky doesn't give you the privilege of seeing the stars that makes you feel like you're eighteen again.

...tugging at your clothes wondering if you look pretty, if people will think you're funny, or if they're feigning interest... or if people can tell you've been eating peanut butter for dinner for like, a month straight, while piling into a car with a person you barely know, wondering if they're going to remember your name when you run into them at Gelson's in a week.

There's something about that smell. 10pm, right before summer comes full force, that reminds me of all those weird insecurities that you hope you've masked enough for functionality sake...now that you're 25 and all. You'll put this mask on autopilot. Chipping away at truths, layers trailing behind you, reminding you of what you're desperately trying to shed.

But here's the thing about youth. Right? YOUTH. Isn't it equally magic and horrendous at once?

The thing is this; sometimes, when you're 25, you'll end up cuddling with someone you shouldn't and you'll feel terrible the next morning and think, "when in the fucking, FUCK am I going to get it right?" then, you'll remember that sometimes, a warm bicep feels better than a pillow.

That sometimes, you'll isolate yourself and then you'll spread yourself thin. Sometimes, you'll be in the middle of the desert, with your arms in the sky, fingers splayed, tips touching the smoky dome of the Universe and you'll think, "Am I experiencing the actual best moment of my life right this second?" Then you'll fist your hands back up, the lights will turn off and you'll worry about your taxes. Or if you're eating enough greens.

Sometimes, you'll play Tetris with your plans and awkwardly dance atop the teeter totter like a lost puppy with a smile on their face while repeating, "I got this... I think? I got this... i think?" and like a charged game of Russian Roulette you'll hope you land on "GOT THIS SHIT." Then of course, you won't land there and you'll make yourself a quesadilla. And hopefully, play another game.

Sometimes, you'll have all the feelings and feel nothing at the exact same time and you'll think, "oh my god...is THIS the undiscovered dimension all humans throughout time have been feeling?" Then, you'll crawl into your bed all charged and "wise" and suddenly, you're on your phone debating ordering a pizza or calling your Mom, pretending that you have your shit together. Then you'll meditate, do some yoga, talk to God and feel "okay" again, until you wake up and have to relearn the epiphanies you had the night before and then, you'll feel bad for forgetting them. For not taking them seriously enough. For not making significant life-altering changes on your way to Starbucks, interspersed into your Daily Routine.

SOMETIMES, while you're mid-hangover, you'll be sitting alone at a café and the most beautiful family will be sitting in front of you and you'll be like, "THAT'S ALL I WANT." Then, you'll proceed to text that person who makes you feel like a Douchebag to see if they'll acknowledge your existence, by which the following steps occurs- Step 1. If so, they give you one word. You do a cartwheel. You project progress. Step 2. you'll try to hang out with them, which obviously won't happen... Step 3. You actually give up. A month later, you're back at the same café, staring creepily at a family coveting their life and thinking, "I'm lonely. No, I'm not, I'm awesome?... But still, I'm here creepily envying you? " thus, back to feeling all the things at once.

Sometimes, you'll collect all the wrong people and place them behind your fancy Windex-assaulted hutch, shiny glass and all and then at some unexpected point, you'll be forced to reevaluate their worth and realize you have to make a painful trade. You'll give up and then you'll take up. Then, you'll repeat it all again.

Sometimes, you'll have everything you want right in front of you, but you won't give it the time of day because you're too afraid to let go of the things that validate you just enough to survive, while counteracting your true desires at the same time. Because, obviously, it's too risky to flee. If you let go of one, what if nothing becomes of the other? Then you'll wonder why you're still hungry, clutching to the familiar.

Sometimes, you'll wake up. And each time, you hope you'll stay awake. Until you accidentally fall asleep again...

Sometimes you'll make a thousand excuses as to why you can't. Why you can't find love, why you can't pursue your dreams, why you can't find the time...then, while you're surrendered, empty and ready to be filled again you'll hear this strained voice tell you;

"Move out of your own way."

What they were really trying to say when they were telling you to "let go," was "...kindly unclench your tiny fists that are holding that "thing" that you so want to get rid of, move out of your own way."

It isn't that you're "too busy," or that you don't know what to do, it's that you've decided to know the answers before living through the answers, move your stubbornness aside. Then see the result. In fact, don't just move out of your own way... keep moving, in general. Move. Shift. Take steps.

Sometimes, you'll be like an elephant who just wants to plant a pretty daisy amidst the rose garden and proceeds to fuck the whole operation up.



What are you learning about YOUTH....what do you acknowledge to be true?










49 comments:

Emily said...

This IS everything. "It isn't that you're "too busy," or that you don't know what to do, it's that you've decided to know the answers before living through the answers, move your stubbornness aside" Live Through The Answers! I love it. You are so inspiring. Write More, always.<3

jaigeeksout said...

Thank you so much for writing this.
I'm an elephant with a daisy but now I feel okay about it!! xoxo

Kelsey said...

It's so comforting to know that we're all feeling all the feelings! I suppose it becomes less overwhelming eventually, but in the meantime - posts like this provide some much needed reassurance.

Nuit Hernandez said...

oh Chelsea... amen.

doniree said...

<3

hookeymonster said...

I feel like you just made sense of all the jumbled words in my head!

Brilliant. Thank you x

musingsofheather said...

<3 <3

Morgan said...

laughter will keep you sane; when someone acts a certain way to everyone else and different towards you, trust the way they act around everyone else.
i'm sure i've learned more but those are the big ones lately :)

Courtney Elizabeth said...

"The thing is this; sometimes, when you're 25, you'll end up cuddling with someone you shouldn't and you'll feel terrible the next morning and think, "when in the fucking, FUCK am I going to get it right?" then, you'll remember that sometimes, a warm bicep feels better than a pillow." TRUTH.

Vanessa said...

This is perfect.

srsears said...

Wow! Reading this really hit home. This is everything I feel about life and my own youth. Thanks for this! :) Everything you said is everything I've been trying to blog about for the past few weeks, but couldn't find a way to put it.

Lila said...

I read your post and you're right. It's so creepy and so true ...
The part where you say 25 years, alone ... Love it.
I'm 21 and sometimes I think like that too
Thank you Chelsea to share with us.

Twitter : @Am_Liila

sandyb said...

I'm now 31. I used to panic about getting older, until I did. And now that I am [older], it's great. There are some things that only time can give you, like a clearer perspective, solid self-confidence and the understanding that, no matter how much you look high and low for that perfect balance within, finding it IS the journey. And it only gets better with age. I wouldn't be 25 again for anything, not even fewer grey hairs or a tighter body. Because, looking back, I realize we don't have all the time in the world and every day spent worrying about where I am is is a day-less spent getting to where I want to be.

Keep writing,

-sandy.

Anna said...

This is my favorite thing you've written. I identify so much with these words. Sometimes I feel like I'm making all the same mistakes. Then I look back and realize those mistakes were kinda fun :)

Anonymous said...

I've always been a faithful, though non-commenting reader...but this... this post was too perfect I had to let you know how much i appreciate your writing.

Dani said...

Beautiful words, yet again! Thank you for being able to put into words what so many of us feel at this point in our lives!

Peter said...

I hope you know.

I hope you got that feeling when you hit publish on this one.

little t said...

A warm bicep always feels better than a pillow

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad the world has you to write about these complex problems so many of us deal with but can't put into perspective like how you can.
Thank you =)

ifindithardtosay said...

Damn it Chelsea this is just everything. Beautful, complex, hectic and to the poetic point. Your words make my heart acknowledge itself for its strength, struggle and shiny. Keep on keeping on.

Amanda Kasper said...

You inspire me. You write in a way that makes me feel
Ike I know you, like we are friends

Thank you. You honestly don't know much I've connected to your posts for so long now.

Hillary said...

Good lord, woman. I love your words.

Badbgrrrl said...

out "youths", how ever long they last, may be the richest stories we ever tell, but damn can it be rough to live through the good parts. Amazing post.

Cal said...

I was inspired by your post about leaving your couch on the side of the road a long time ago, and today I wrote a post about my old piano in homage to that.

http://eatgaylove.com/2012/05/21/my-old-piano/

Cal x

Aiketa said...

Each and every post of yours is so great. Thank you Chelsea for your inspiring words.

I am sometimes this elephant... but isn't it cute the image of an elephant trying to plant a daisy? What it counts is the we try!!!

seo safety said...

good it feels to get together and share happiness with you, glad to be able to find your blog and I can share experiences, make new friends and share information, love it if you want to join in my blog if you like it ... thank you


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Sophie said...

You sound incredibly wise. You should write a book, and also be at my beck and call to help me make life decisions.
New follower, love your blog:)

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Paige said...

god you are amazing. ah mazing i say! ah mazing!

iampisspot said...

Such exquisite words.

Your posts always inspire me to better myself.

Thank you!

Sara said...

Come back! Where are your blog posts! I love reading them.

justsoyouknow said...

Looking back, i wish i've been more bolder and crazy enough to make mistakes. Being right all the time is boring.


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andrea ball said...

Um. This was awesome, thanks for sharing.

Lizzy said...

serious, you're fuckintastic. please write more.

Lizzy said...

serious, you're fuckintastic. please write more.

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