To exchange for smaller monetary units
To crack without separating into pieces.
To part or pierce the surface of
To find an opening or flaw in
I broke. Three months is a long time for me to stay so far removed from this. But I broke. I needed breaking.
See, when you "exchange for smaller units" the smaller units get the attention that perhaps they needed, the neglected get nurtured. With less surface area to cover, it's hard to miss a blemish. Concentrated attention in spoonfuls. Saturated revolution.
The empty bedside journal, cracks its spine and the pages become worn. Bits and pieces of truth come out often, in waves...so you start to make room for their sporadic arrival. Focused room. Prepared to keep these pieces of "ah ha," solely to yourself. When we break, we honor our internal seasons, the ones that people don't teach us about. The seasons that aren't granted "holidays." We give our souls permission to regenerate and we give parts permission to die, so that new life, new patterns, new energy, can grow in their place.
I'm in the final week of what has been a three month yoga journey- (I will be an official Heated Vinyasa teacher by the end of the week), a three month returning to my CENTER period- finding my voice again and using it, and a three month adventure of consciously focusing on experiencing radical joy, self examination, intentional energy-giving and utmost, humble gratitude. During those three months, I've left a job, started a new one, watered new relationships and let others fall away. I've rewired thought patterns, and refocused.
"To crack without separating into pieces..." is when we allow the light to shine through. The cracks are there for you to see something that was locked up behind that wall that you were always curious about, but didn't have the key to find out for yourself. And then, something cracked. Enough room was made for you to peer into the other side.
That veil lifts and you get a glimpse of what you've been visualizing for years and hadn't yet tangibly experienced. When you see through it, keep looking. Stay there. That crack wasn't a flaw, or an accident, that was a new visual barometer to guide your next steps.
When you see what it is that you want, stop questioning whether it's yours to have or not. It is. If you know you need to make art, if see yourself on a stage, or in front of a classroom....that is yours. Trust that timing will do the rest. You don't need to fall apart, or go off course trying to find it without a compass or proper hiking shoes....you've got this. Stay there.
You know what it feels like when you experience a "breakthrough," but it's never one singular BREAK. Breakthroughs are gradual shifts, tiny cracks..... a small "piercing of the surface." And they're ACTIVE. We're constantly given the option to break.... but we rarely commit to the "through," part. Because that means that we have to acknowledge the "break," and when we really, truly start noticing them we have no other option than to shift our actions....through and forward.
Break often. Find the "flaw" and see through it. Take a break from the internal chatter that no longer serves you. Tell yourself it's okay to feel GOOD and be happy and not give an actual DAMN about what anyone thinks about how you did it, or why you're doing it, or what their idea of the "right way" is. Take a break from giving a damn.
When we break, we have to find a way to make use of the TIME we spent on old habits. When we break, we begin something fresh. When we break, we spend more hours spooned in bed with your favorite book or your new favorite person, you take an evening to watch the moon affect the ocean tide and you don't worry about what time it is....or who you're "obligated" to meet. When you break, you cut-off the flow so when you finally unwind again you're flooded. Ahhhhh.
Break for oranges and patios. Break for happy hours and beach houses. Break for sweaty mats and silent meditation. Break for new relationships and precarious territory, perfect for fancy footwork. Break for audible sighs and 3pm snuggles. Break for fresh eyes and eager ears. Break for the juiciness in anticipation and breathlessness. Break for a good sob and surrender. Break for daisies. Break because it is the most pure form of faith. Break, because taking yourself so seriously is overrated. Break for complete rebellion and barbaric barefoot dancing. Break to challenge your own ideals and exercise your beliefs. Break for what you can't get enough of and devour it. Break for what will expand your mind and have you clenching your heart, because it's all. soo. much. Break.
When you break the "big deal" thing, is less of a big deal and more a friendly neighbor. A trusty companion.
Break. Break, because contrary to what "breaking" infers which is isolation, imperfection or delay- the truth is that breaking means movement and light, both of which are beautiful, sacred and profoundly gratifying.
Back, but still breaking.