Thursday, February 7, 2013
This is one is titled The One That Took All The Courage to Write (6 months ago)
I love you.
No, I don’t think you really understand. I think you have this idea that I’m fickle, that I’m capricious and unpredictable. That the way I would love you would expire, or that it was founded upon the basis of being lonely or needing to fill a void. What you don’t understand is that the way that I love you is much deeper than that. It’s the kind that makes me feel like sunshine is beaming from every pore of my face...the glow kind. The kind that makes me check my teeth in the mirror twenty times, that makes my palms sweat, makes me touch up my mascara when you aren’t looking, stare at your name in my phone like if I just continue to stare at it maybe you’ll feel it and magically call.
You make me smile for zero reasons at ALL. Like, I look in your general fucking direction and I’m smiling. What is that? I’m smiling thinking about you right now.
I have fickle “like,” with people. Several of them. I have fickle like with people, who I go on dates with and share evenings with, who I entertain myself with to bide the time. If I didn’t, my impatience would certainly make me implode. I wouldn’t leave room for you to move towards me. So no, this isn’t the same.
The thing is, there’s an unspoken sort of energy that just works with us, if you would let it.
I know that I’m a Wild Card for you. The idea of “adventure,” literally makes you dig your heels even deeper into the Earth. You, to me, are like the earth- grounding and steady....I need Earth. To dig my hands into it and bloom from there, even wild flowers need soil.
You don’t want to recognize it yet, but you need AIR. You need levity... to get out of your head, your apartment, your stubbornness and your habits. No, not all the time... I want you to keep these things about you, I like that there’s a little push and a little pull. I’m aware that you’re afraid that I would knock off your equilibrium, but I promise I will know when to give you space. When to nurture and retreat. When to leave you rooted. I also promise to know when is the right time to knock you off your center.... because though you don’t admit it, you like the adventures when you agree to them.
I’ll do my best to let you think it was your idea.
The way that I love you isn’t what you think.... I didn’t wake up and decide you were a good rebound. In fact, you’re the complete opposite, if I were rebounding I would find one less complicated and more available. One who actually wanted to love me back.
See, that’s the problem with this whole loving you thing, you haven’t decided, willed, allowed...acknowledged, or perhaps... just don’t love me back. Everyone else seems to see it differently, they know it’s there, people can feel energy. People speculate.
But then you say, “No. It’s a no.” So.... then I feel like an insane, delusional rejected person and, did I mention insane, certified schizophrenic? Because listen, I don’t fully believe you.
Which I know sounds pathetic. Like this is a classic, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” move- but it isn’t. I’m not delusional, (I don’t think.) Your face looks like sunbeams when you’re with me too.... you can’t see your face, but I can. I know what a face looks like when it’s looking at someone's face who they’ve thought about kissing.
There’s so many reasons why this would be perfect... but it’ll never go there. You’ve already found every reason why it won’t. But don’t you see that this sort of “thing,” we have going on doesn’t just happen for everyone? You don’t just magically have the ability to communicate non-verbally the way that you and I can.... trust me, because the guy I’m in Fickle Like with right now can never read my subtle eye rolls, or smirks... that, “you look at me and you’re reading my mind,” straight face, the way you can. Fickle Like and I, we’ll never walk away from an afternoon with inside jokes.
Fickle Like and I, We don’t share subtle, awkward humor. We can laugh at Tosh.O, the obvious kind. The facilitated kind. We’ve got that part down. Just like everything else, Fickle Like needs easing, assistance.... a full pour of Shiraz, candles by the nightstand, obvious R&B, and obvious Pandora stations. The formula of ambiance. With you, I could do anything. Sit on your smoky couch with an apple juice, in silence and I would love you. Walk down an aisle at the grocery store, drive you to the airport, pick you up from that silly job with that silly hat that you had to wear and I would love you, because I do.
Do you believe me yet?
I want to love you for a long time, the kind that doesn’t run or over analyze how it could work. I want to learn how to be a good partner, the kind that isn’t jealous or fearful, selfish or immature. I want to love every single ripe, unfinished, incomplete thing about you...that you so eloquently said needs finishing before starting, I want to love all of it- because I already do.