Thursday, February 7, 2013

This is one is titled The One That Took All The Courage to Write (6 months ago)




Listen.

I love you.

No, I don’t think you really understand. I think you have this idea that I’m fickle, that I’m capricious and unpredictable. That the way I would love you would expire, or that it was founded upon the basis of being lonely or needing to fill a void. What you don’t understand is that the way that I love you is much deeper than that. It’s the kind that makes me feel like sunshine is beaming from every pore of my face...the glow kind. The kind that makes me check my teeth in the mirror twenty times, that makes my palms sweat, makes me touch up my mascara when you aren’t looking, stare at your name in my phone like if I just continue to stare at it maybe you’ll feel it and magically call.

You make me smile for zero reasons at ALL. Like, I look in your general fucking direction and I’m smiling. What is that? I’m smiling thinking about you right now.

I have fickle “like,” with people. Several of them. I have fickle like with people, who I go on dates with and share evenings with, who I entertain myself with to bide the time. If I didn’t, my impatience would certainly make me implode. I wouldn’t leave room for you to move towards me. So no, this isn’t the same.

The thing is, there’s an unspoken sort of energy that just works with us, if you would let it.

I know that I’m a Wild Card for you. The idea of “adventure,” literally makes you dig your heels even deeper into the Earth. You, to me, are like the earth- grounding and steady....I need Earth. To dig my hands into it and bloom from there, even wild flowers need soil.

You don’t want to recognize it yet, but you need AIR. You need levity... to get out of your head, your apartment, your stubbornness and your habits. No, not all the time... I want you to keep these things about you, I like that there’s a little push and a little pull. I’m aware that you’re afraid that I would knock off your equilibrium, but I promise I will know when to give you space. When to nurture and retreat. When to leave you rooted. I also promise to know when is the right time to knock you off your center.... because though you don’t admit it, you like the adventures when you agree to them.

I’ll do my best to let you think it was your idea.

The way that I love you isn’t what you think.... I didn’t wake up and decide you were a good rebound. In fact, you’re the complete opposite, if I were rebounding I would find one less complicated and more available. One who actually wanted to love me back.

See, that’s the problem with this whole loving you thing, you haven’t decided, willed, allowed...acknowledged, or perhaps... just don’t love me back. Everyone else seems to see it differently, they know it’s there, people can feel energy. People speculate.
But then you say, “No. It’s a no.” So.... then I feel like an insane, delusional rejected person and, did I mention insane, certified schizophrenic? Because listen, I don’t fully believe you.

Which I know sounds pathetic. Like this is a classic, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” move- but it isn’t. I’m not delusional, (I don’t think.) Your face looks like sunbeams when you’re with me too.... you can’t see your face, but I can. I know what a face looks like when it’s looking at someone's face who they’ve thought about kissing.

There’s so many reasons why this would be perfect... but it’ll never go there. You’ve already found every reason why it won’t. But don’t you see that this sort of “thing,” we have going on doesn’t just happen for everyone? You don’t just magically have the ability to communicate non-verbally the way that you and I can.... trust me, because the guy I’m in Fickle Like with right now can never read my subtle eye rolls, or smirks... that, “you look at me and you’re reading my mind,” straight face, the way you can. Fickle Like and I, we’ll never walk away from an afternoon with inside jokes.

Fickle Like and I, We don’t share subtle, awkward humor. We can laugh at Tosh.O, the obvious kind. The facilitated kind. We’ve got that part down. Just like everything else, Fickle Like needs easing, assistance.... a full pour of Shiraz, candles by the nightstand, obvious R&B, and obvious Pandora stations. The formula of ambiance. With you, I could do anything. Sit on your smoky couch with an apple juice, in silence and I would love you. Walk down an aisle at the grocery store, drive you to the airport, pick you up from that silly job with that silly hat that you had to wear and I would love you, because I do.

Do you believe me yet?

I want to love you for a long time, the kind that doesn’t run or over analyze how it could work. I want to learn how to be a good partner, the kind that isn’t jealous or fearful, selfish or immature. I want to love every single ripe, unfinished, incomplete thing about you...that you so eloquently said needs finishing before starting, I want to love all of it- because I already do.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

this is so similar to my life, I cannot fathom how this didn't come from me. So beautifully written.

jackie said...

This last paragraph- yes.

Miss Angie said...

This post is utterly and completely amazing. Seriously. I can relate to so many parts of it, thank you for writing it!

BaronessVonVintage said...

Going through this RIGHT NOW with a man who is very emotionally unavailable. Without counselling or SOMETHING, he will keep saying NO ;/

Anonymous said...

I Love you and I love your total honesty about your heart and it's precious ability tO love deeply, willingly AND UN-AFRAID.Being a bit advanced at the subject, and after trying every single way possible...I have found one who ,ANDwe both believe are absolutely perfectly maTCHED..iT WAS KIND OF ODD THAT, LOOKING BACK i FINALLY KNOW THAT IF YOU TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND HE DOES TOO, IT CAN BE THE BEST LOVE EVER CREATED.It has been my experience that when one of you doesn't tell all of it, before serious commitment is made,it is doomed, as a lie caN NEVER BE TAKEN BACK, NOR CAN AN OMMISSION..aND, NEVER EVER HESITATE TO SAY TWO WORDS, IF THERE IS SOMETHING YOU DO, TO HURT, EVEN BY ACCIDENT...sAY " i'M SORRY" FOR WHATEVER YOU DID.bECAUSE ALL CAN BE RETRIEVED WHERE LOVE IS CONCERNED, IF YOU CAN ADMIT YOU DID SOMETHING UN-FAIR..XOXOXO bEST lOVE AND BEST HOPE FOR YOUR SUCCESS AND JOY!!

Aiketa said...

"...even wild flowers need soil." This is one of my fav sentences of this post, though there are many which I really like.
Your writing is so great!

P!nky said...

So raw, so beautiful, so fiercely intelligent, so enchanting.

GOOD LUCK!

xoxo

Kristin said...

From the title to the very last word - beautiful, raw, honest, no BS. life is such a balance of putting ourselves out there enough to open up to the possibilities of love...yet still wanting to guard our own hearts against the "what ifs". this post makes me want to open up to all the GOOD what ifs that might be. thanks for writing.

Andrea said...

I loved this 6 months ago and I still love it now. Miss you, Chels!

Clare said...

How deeply I miss your blogging!

jenn said...

I have gone through this...am going through this. You wrote it so perfectly and beautifully. Thank you! And good luck to you, to me, and any other woman who is going through this same situation.

jenn said...
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Fizzgig said...

as per usual...i can always relate to your posts! Love this!!

Sassy Singleton said...

I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing!

Mattie Newell said...

"Even wildflowers need soil." Perfection.

I missed your words. A LOT.

Aubrie said...

This is so brutally honest, which makes it relatable on so many fronts. Really stellar writing.

Aubrey S. said...

Miss Angie pointed me in your direction this week, and I think you're probably one of the bravest women I've ever met. Even if the recipient of this letter never reads this, it's so brave to put this out there.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog and getting to know you better.

nicopolitan said...

Holy crap. This is breathtaking. Does this guy know that you are this much of a swelling spirit? That's a rhetorical question.

Phoenix said...

Go get 'em, kid. You're made of fire inside and out.

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Lola said...

Oh yes, I've felt this too. You capture it perfectly. The thing is once you let go and get past it, move on and find someone else who will share this same intense love with you and NOT be scared by it(and it will happen, if you let go), then you'll think back and wonder "was it really there?" Because really, how can you love someone who's incapable of loving you back?

 
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