There will be ways that you will break hearts, but you won't know you've done it until you see them break.
There are layers upon which ones heart tears.... fractures. Gets punctured, beyond the surface. These layers seem harmless until they aren't- until someone tells you they "need to talk." Or, that "they can't stop thinking about you." ::cringe::
You will break hearts and then you will see parallels, wounds that you inflicted in the exact same shape as the wounds you've endured. And you'll think, "but, but.... I never meant to. I didn't have ill intentions." Because you didn't. You were just doing what felt right, right then. Unlike one part of the party, you weren't considering the future. Or hoping for one.
You started flippantly using phrases like, "It is what it is, until it isn't..." or "We're together when we're together." You say these things you've been told before..the things you knew were wrong to accept, but you did anyway...because accepting little felt better than accepting nothing.
The thing is, this isn't you. You're attentive and sweet. You want to be the most present, vulnerable and open-hearted woman.... true blue, that kind. That's you.
Lightbulbs go off, when you forget to text someone back- you read what they said when you were in the car, or out with someone else....sipping a glass of Rosé and doing that usual charming thing you do, opening up about things that don't usually come until months into the relationship. Giving them a false idea that they've gotten a glimpse into you that was solely something "special for them." But you know it isn't. You know you do this.
You do this "thing."
...because it feels good to connect to someone. Even if it isn't always the right someone. To tell them who you are and to make eye contact, and it feels equally as good to walk away. To give them enough that holds you over, emotional intimacy with no attachments, because YOU decided from the beginning that they weren't "Your Guy." They were just your guy for "right now." You can be so severe. So One Strike You're Out. Even if they strike is meaningless as his taste in cheese, or the order in which he layers his lunch sandwich. You just cannot handle that he puts the condiments between the turkey and the cheese. Cannot. handle.
Fucked up, huh?
Oh, but then there's that text message. Shit, you forgot to write him back. So you do, you make a lame excuse a day and half later. You haven't totally forgotten, you like him.
You like him enough.
... then it clicks, that sort of click where you realize the one you actually want- does the same thing to you. Because he likes you enough.... but you aren't The Girl. Now that you've seen the truth, so distinctly mimicking your exact actions... you feel like an asshole. Both in your recklessness with another's frantic mind and hopeful heart, but also for making excuses as if maybe your particular situation was unique.... but you know what?...it wasn't.
...he wasn't looking at your Facebook, or wondering what you were up to, or thinking about whether you were actually the girl for him or not- weighing his options, making sure he was "ready." He wasn't staring at the phone, or replaying that thing you said, when you felt pretty and he was looking at you like you were- because he probably doesn't even remember it, because he isn't attached to you. He isn't hungry for your attention, or your words, or your affection. He wasn't doing ANY of that- like your friends so convincingly tried to soothe you with at various points, the way girlfriends do... when the don't want to recognize and admit that he just. doesn't. want you. Sometimes, (most the time) it actually is that simple.
When someone likes you, they engage. They rearrange plans. They're threatened that if they don't snatch you up, someone else will....because you're a fucking amazing catch. The kind worth snatching. Do you hear me? YES, YOU. You are an amazing. fucking. catch.
And so are all of those other guys.... the ones whose messages go unanswered, or whose words fall upon your checked out ears. They're good. They'll be good to someone. Let them be good to someone who wants to be good to them in return. Who leaves dinner and thinks about them while they fall asleep, who checks up and is interested in their day, who thinks that waking up next to them is the best way to start a morning.
You'll know when someone likes you. That sweet boy, with the charming accent and the turquoise rings.... he didn't leave room for doubt, "you're lovely," he promptly followed up. The one who wanted to walk you to your door, but promised not to make any moves...... who waited a couple days to call, as a gesture of respect rather than carelessness. The one that wanted to hear about your trip, was eager to take you to dinner and collected inside jokes like little treasures.
You will know.
So let what is, be just that. Don't keep looking in the direction of someone who isn't looking back. Let it go. One of these days the pieces will match up and someone will look right back at you......
Be gentle, little heart warriors, take good care.
Are you handling hearts with care???