Breaking habits is scary.
I say scary, because; difficult, hard, challenging, aren’t the words. They are layers below the word, but the word itself that defines habit-breaking is SCARY. Think four-headed, hissing, oozing, spitting monster. The kind that towers above you, chases you down and then multiplies itself in dark alleyways, giving you no way out and running at you with a hatchet. Because that kind of monster would use a hatchet, it’s clunky and brutal and totally gratuitous. It’s that kind of scary. That kind of scary is how it feels to willfully, I choose “willfully,” because it takes serious WILL, a purposeful desire and intent; the sweaty, gritty, pushing through the discomfort kind of will, to take everything you know to be true and question it. The way you drive to work, your 6pm cocktail, your social circle, throwing on your trash reality show (hi, guilty, all the time- only sometimes sorry) when you have downtime because that’s just what you do and then to say, “Actually Self, you don’t do that anymore.” Self is like, but why I like that…
Self always has one million reasons why the habit/pattern they’re trying to break doesn’t want to be broken. Self says, but that’s how I relax. Then it goes on with a tirade, “I like that ::thing:: it upholds all of the other “things” I know about myself. It’s an essential part of the supporting cast in my story. That thing is what I do on Wednesday’s! What would Wednesday BE WITHOUT THAT THING?! Or, (personal favorite) that “thing” doesn’t go with this other “thing” that I really love, so I just cannottttt with that new “thing” you’re trying to push on me, mmkay? Put it away.
For example, I did this with the green juice movement a couple years ago. I was like get your juice and your blender and your Kale out of my face. It brought up a real charge in me, which through self-diagnosis, likely sprouted from roots of disordered eating and food obsession from my own past. It scared me to consider walking down a path of healthy juicing, out of fear of my own fragile issues surrounding food resurfacing. Resistance usually wields great wisdom and is most often, a spot that needs healing. Don’t run away from it and don’t keep pushing. Examine it. Find where your edges are, smooth if necessary...or, simply just know where you’re sharp so you don’t hurt yourself.
After dealing with the root of my judgement, “go fuck your kale,” I recognized, hey, I like juice. Throw Kale into my smoothie any damn day and I’m into it. How “extreme,” I take that into my life is up to me. In other words, drinking the juice doesn’t mean I can’t have a milkshake from In-N-Out, ya feel me? It doesn’t shake the core of other things I love, it just assists in my wellbeing and happiness.
Self has excuses galore on hand when it’s questioned. It is a well rehearsed monologue. The truth is, Self has already considered what would happen if it was stripped of its “truths,” and what would be left at the core. Self knows it uses “Things” 1-5 as pillars to support a way of being that is currently comfortable. Comfortable, unfortunately doesn’t always win you the gold medal you’re striving for. Comfortable doesn’t always feel good at first until it’s in your body. What may seem uncomfortable now, will be your favorite worn in pair of jeans three or four months from now.
Like. I’m not a morning person. I struggle to wake up before 9am. Yet, I am wildly ambitious and adore juicing the shit out of my day. I say I’m not a morning person….but am I not a morning person? I don’t fucking know. I just SAY that because I’ve formed a habit of being a night person. The habit didn’t come out of nowhere, it came out of working in the entertainment industry and enjoying night life; late shows, late calls, long days and so on. A habit or pattern absolutely develops from someplace and to stay up until 3am isn’t an insane reality, to me. Except, when I DO wake up by 6am… I really like the way I feel.
I enjoy feeling like I have more time than I even know what to do with. To someone who, “juices the shit out of life,” that’s a pretty exhilarating new reality.
So, you don’t know what to do with the next 4 hours? Time to do one of the multitude of things you say you want to do but never have time for, ya bish. You have a whole goddamn Pinterest board of shit to bake! You have movies to make! You have friends to see. You have places to visit. You have workshops to attend, self-expansion, shiny new experiences and bonds to build. You can watch your 11th episode of that one Bravo show, or you can get to bed a little earlier, have one less glass of wine and watch the sunrise, because that’s pretty fucking beautiful.
When you recognize places where habit-changing gives you more than you were getting with an old habit, it’s hard not to, with your best judgement at hand, consider other options. That doesn’t mean these changes are easy to make. It just means that there are options. The Universe is a your personal buffet, take as much as you’d like and come back for more. You are not wedded to your habits, your circumstance or your rhythms.
Life, with consistent subtle alterations, shows you major transformation is an option. Again, to each their own, optional if desired.
It’s easy to get rid of or identify external toxicity and much harder to claim, own and purge internal toxicity. Breaking patterns, revising and editing. This is painful work, it takes claiming responsibility, being really fucking honest with yourself and slowly but surely shifting your steps.
For me; I want to feel more energized, have a consistent willingness to work on crazy inversions that look impossible, but I know would make me feel strong. I want to know what the morning sounds like before my brain starts demanding things of me. I want to consistently create great work and challenge myself to cross of those "Big Goals," by making mini-goals accessible. I want to actively nurture the new versions of myself that I’ve desired but didn’t know how to facilitate in the past; the one who is empowered, spiritually tuned in, master of her home, bad ass in the kitchen, solid hostess…. fulfilled adventuress. Vulnerable artist, willing to share work with the world, because she’s put the time and heart into making it. Consistently brave. Listening inwardly before validating herself outwardly.
These things take change, new patterns, new realities. If you want something; to be seen a certain way, to be acknowledged for a specific type of work, or attribute… do it. make it. be it. If you aren’t there yet, as my dear friend Nicole said, “Are your habits supporting your goals?”
Take credit for the life that you’ve shaped and if you’re not comfortable signing your name on it, do some reshaping.
I love you, babes. I’m in your corner. I hope you’ll be in mine.
**If you haven't seen my newest project, here it is
**If you haven't seen my newest project, here it is