Monday, December 31, 2007


New Years Eve to me means looking as much like a disco ball as possible. Without blinding anyone, or using electronics. Mission accomplished, Donna Summers would be so proud. I could walk onto the dance floor of Saturday Night Fever and win just by showing up. Glowing from head to toe.

I hope you all are too...Tomorrow is the beginning of my daily postings. So this evening i'm poppin' some bubbly and toasting to an incredible 2008. Be safe my lovelies. Stayinnn alllliiiiiiiivvvvvvveeee...I'm off to kick the new year in with a FLASH!A sparkle! and some sequins! CHEERS.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Justin Guarini thinks ugly sweaters are sexy.

He didn't call. He's been here for almost a week, and hasn't called. It's a little pathetic that I was secretly hoping that he would, ya know maybe to say, I'm sorry? I still want you? Or, uh, "Hey, sorry I fucked with your life like a jigsaw puzzle." Maybe that's a bit extreme, it wasn't that bad......(those dots are neverending, sort of like the ellipsis that was left on our relationship) I'm a bit frosty now, but recovering and melting my iceberg facade slowly but surely. It's didn't call?!!!? Are you SERIOUS?!. It's for the best. I suppose, that's what they all say.....(again with the ellipsis)

What better way to defrost than, go out!? I had to redeem myself from earlier in the day, when Mr. McGymHot was making eyes at me while I was on the treadmill, and what did he receive, oh that's right. NOTHING. Stone cold reception is what he got from me. Because by the time, I had analyzed the situation and decided to throw him a bone and smile back, he'd already looked away. For the most part the rule with me is: If you are attractive...I will not smile at you. I just won't, cause then I may actually have to talk to you. There's really nothing worse than talking to someone while trying to ignore the sweat dripping down the bridge of your nose, and then breathlessly making small talk about how long you're gonna do cardio and then maybe comment on why Nike Shocks are the best running shoe. Asics suck. Ok, nice to meet you...see you around!From then on out, you are forced to wear mascara and tinted chapstick to the gym, your gym experience has been forever tainted. Plus, I dont' like gym guys anyways.

So, redemption was in order...After deciding not to attend an "Ugly Sweater Party" where people are admitted only if they're donning their tackiest holiday sweater, sequined sweater, beaded sweater, or patchwork sweater...I decided to attend Scruffy's Irish Pub. While donning, my ugly sweater. I figure, rejection is less harsh if you're clothes are wretched, then you can at least blame it on looking like Martha Stewart's craft prject, rather than blaming your face. MY PLAN WORKED.
"Ladies...!!!!....we brought some shots over...."
Usually, I find this behavior annoying. Part of it is the cockiness to just assume, I'd want YOU to buy me a shot...and that this empty chair next to me, is open...for you? That is usually a turn off. Especially, when i hadn't even given you the "come hither" eye from across the bar. But, one of them had a nice SURE, I'll have a shot...
"You look like Benazir Bhuttoo..... Lets Cheers to Benazir Bhutto!!!"
Do I look like her? Or was that the worst line i've ever heard, while toasting me with a car bomb. Horrible. I entertained conversation for another minute or so, until a friend pointed out to me, the predator had an uncanny resemblance to Justin Guarini...The first loser from season one of American Idol. Oh shit, he sort of did...which now brought a heightened awareness to the fact that he was wearing a headband. A headband, that I happen to own. He actually went out and bought a four-pack of headbands from Safeway...the kind you wear to wash your face or clean toilets. Time to make my escape.

"You're done with the singer from The Counting Crows???..."
Wow, he was the offspring of Justin Guarini and the lead singer from The Counting Crows. Yes, I was done.

So maybe my redemption didn't exactly pan out as I'd hoped. I guess heartbreak can skew your judgement...and suddenly you adopt this new sad emotion...Desperation. And then any schmo who buys you a car bomb, "will do". Not so much. It just reminded me that i'm surely not looking, looking is never a good idea..I'd rather stumble upon someone, maybe literally, I'll try tripping over a dumbbell tomorrow and let you know how that works out.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Making a LIFE.....

"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as 'making a life'." Maya Angelou
Oh Maya, how I wish we could have a love child together who would speak words of wisdom to me every waking morning and lull me to sleep with lullabies of guidance and insight every night. Maya's quotes are endless, I could tattoo my body with them and still wouldn't get sick of reading them.

On Christmas day my family and I got in the discussion of work, college, life...etc. I knew one of the them would ask me..."SO what are you DOING now?!"...and i'd have to come up with an aswer that would please them. Since returning from L.A. I've been asking myself that question everyday, and looking for the answer that I think people will want to hear. People want to hear safe. Safe= a plan.
Nobody wants to hear, "Well, today I burnt 868 calories, because my goal was to sweat it out an extra 15 minutes at the gym. Then I tried some new tangerine tea, and spent three hours at the piano practicing my scales. After all of the that, I stretched while watching Oprah, lit my favorite fig candle, read 8 chapters of a new book, wrote a new blog, then... took a nap. It was a pretty productive day."

So even when my day looks exactly like that, I've worked on perfecting my pristinely calculated, vanilla answer. It's regurgitated to every relative, former teacher, former friend and strangers at Kinko's, or Starbucks who feel comfortable enough to ask me when "break" is over. Assuming someone is in college is irritating on many levels, I could be- learning disabled, a housewife dedicated to baking bread and caring for my 7 spawns, a recluse, a wildly successful business owner, or some super genius who graduated when she was 11 from Harvard and retired at 18, a crack dealer to celebrities, an internet sensation making millions off of my wit or my ass, a spritual guru training under the Dalai Lama. Or, hey, shocker, I could be someone who...just didn't go. But, those answers are unsafe on so many levels you could send a stranger into a tailspin of panic attacks and shock.

So my vanilla words go like this- "Oh... (insert charming smile here)... I applied to some colleges(this is true), i'm looking for a new job. I'm gonna work and go to school...I've always (making allll the emphasis) wanted a journalism degree. (insert reassuring "I'm doing brilliantly well, since leaving a whole life behind me and a few broken dreams along Route 66, smile here)"

The recipient lets out a long sigh. The sound people make when they're internally thanking the lord that this crazy gypsy girl, with an affinity for pop culture finally decided to wise up and stop pipe dreaming.
"Well GOOOD.....I'm sooooo happy to hear that." Oh, I bet you are.

My vanilla answer isn't a lie. And the answer isn't even a bad one. College is great, I LOVE LOVE LOVE learning, love classrooms, I love assignments and textbooks. But going to school for me has been something i've wanted to do for pleasure, not as a means to an end...the end being a safe job. I would love to have a degree, but I have never wanted my degree to define who I was, I never wanted my alma mater to determine the rest of my life. What most people consider a hobby, I consider a life, and what most people consider their life, I consider...something i'd like to avoid like a burning case of herpes.
On Christmas, my vanilla answer didn't come out. Have I alllllways wanted a journalism degree?? NO. Only recently has that sounded exciting to me. What I've always wanted, since I was 5....was to make music. TO SING. To be on stage and feel the lights on my face, and the watch the dust particles blur between myself and the audience, while I lose myself in words and sound. I've wanted to hear harmonies, and stand on different stages, I've wanted to wake up and write and go to bed exhausted and sweaty from living through every word i've written and experience i've lived and feel the satisfaction of having someone say, they loved my music...every night. I've wanted to see the world, and say "Helllloooo Cleveland" and "Bonjour Parisssss" or "Ciao Roma!!!" and then sometimes forget the city I was in and make the confession on stage so they would all know what a whirlwind my life has been. I've wanted to make people's ears ring, live out of suitcases, drink coffee with writers in small rooms with candles and persian rugs and record sounds of that exact moment. I've wanted to know everyday that this is my life....THIS is who I am. I have a stage to sing on, a band to back me up, (or even singing back up would be just as amazing) and a bus to catch. And the feeling of the lights, my cheeks flushed with heat, alone in front of hundreds of people....I live for that feeling.

But yeah, sure, I've Alllllways wanted a journalism degree.
When they asked me on Christmas...."What are you DOING now??" ...God forbid, I took the risk and said the truth.."Ya know...I'm not really sure. I'm working on music, and being patient....not really sure what's happening with me right now."
Discomfort was palpable.
"Well, ya know,'re gonna have to get a real job."
"Yeah....MAYBE NOT."
Like Maya Angelou said.....

"Talent is like electricity. We don't understand electricity. We use it. You can plug into it and light up a lamp, keep a heart pump going, light a cathedral, or you can electrocute a person with it.

33, IS a special number.

Some things about me that may be mildy amusing to you.

1.I sleep with a blankie. It's name is "Bankie." I've had it since the day I was born.
2.The Blue Man Group, terrifies me.
3.One time I said, "Granola makes me happy." and Heath Ledger said I should make a shirt with that qoute.
4. I can do a PERFECT impression of Britney Spears' "singing" voice.
5.The sight of peanut butter used to make me queasy.Literally, physically sick, looking at it.
6.I used to choke on EVERYTHING:Cheetos, lemonheads, oranges, jolly ranchers, string cheese, kix....the list is endless.
7.I have extremely strange eating habits, and I tear up every single piece of food before I actually eat it...could have something to do with my previous choking history.
8.I used to be a biter. My parents got sent a letter, and I got a few trips to the principles office.
9.I used to have a freckle on my baby toe, and then one disappeared.
10.Baking is my gig.
11.I used to have realllly sweaty hands, and would walk the other way in middle school if I knew someone was gonna give me "daps" or a high five.
12.I've only gotten a car wash 5 years. One time cause there was actually a dead bird on the hood of my car. For at least a week.
13.I cried in front of a classroom of 40 people, on stage, singing "Goodbye my Lover." By James Blunt...Sad, sad song. Poor guy.
14.Someone once thought I was a Ashlee Simpson at Starbucks, and called me a liar when I said I wasn't.
15.I've been 5'6 since I was 12.
16.33 is my number. The explanation requires a seperate blog.
17.I hate steak.
18.I've never seen a single episode of The Simpsons.
19.In Paris I got asked out for coffee at the Eiffel Tower 5 times, 5 seperate men. I said no to all of them.
20.I used to play violin. The only song I know is, "Mississippi Hotdog"
21.My dad got notified he was fighting in the Persian Gulf War while we were building a fort.
22.I used to be on a belly dancing company. They thought I was Lebanese.
23.I'm Italian.
24.When I lived alone I only bought bread once, the rest of the time I made sandwiches out of rice cakes.
25.I got stung by a bee while go-cart racing.
26.I listen to Gospel music while I work out. And also Rage Against the Machine.
27.My nickname when I was little was "The Mean Bean"
28.Kristin Bell from Veronica Mars irritates the f*ck out of me. Her face just annoys me.
29. I have a strange attraction to Criss Angel. I'm convinced he's truly magical.
30.I made more money doing dinner theater when I was 9, than I do now.
31.I hate it when people touch my kneecaps.
32.The first song I ever learned was "Buffalo Solider" by Bob Marley. The second was "Jeremiah was a Bullfrog" by Three Dog Night.
33.My best friend when I was little was from Korea and had 3 fingers, we collected rolly pollys and ate Smacks together. Everyday.

Monday, December 24, 2007

The "feeling" of Christmas

Each year that Christmas comes around and the older I get, the "feeling" of Christmas keeps decreasing. It's like a birthday, it's supposed to be this huge epic event, a day unlike other days, astronomical, other worldy even. It's supposed to "feel" different. Your body, your energy, the air around you, has a feeling that you want to be engulfed by. Consumed.
Then I started to think about the things that were missing that I felt like I should be "feeling". When you're younger the feeling you have is anticipation. It's a month in your school year, that does, feel different. There are Christmas breaks, secret Santa's, Snowball dances, and a general lack of focus in classes...because everybody at that point just wants to get to the day where they get their favorite pair of nikes, or a sweet XBOX game in their hands. The feelings are based off of the familiarity of tradition, the anticipation of "things", the slower pace, and the oppotunity to, even if you're 15, have the childlike enthusiasm that Christmas has reminded you of having every year.
Then you're an're "in" your life, there are no snowball dances, the Secret Santa's are either obsolete, or you're trading bath salts with a coworker who's name you barely know. The pace isn't slow, it's stressful. Finances are strained and each day, closer to vacation feels like years...long hours and restlessness.
You forget to look at the Christmas lights and bless the heavens if you actually have time to put up your own. Christmas movies are the last thing on your mind, because by the time you have a free moment you'd prefer mindless TIVO'D shows like Real Housewives of the OC. Forget it's A Wonderful Life, THEIR life is wonderful.
So tonight, Christmas Eve...I looked around the room. The joy was palpable. My family, food on the table, uncomfortably full bellies, storytelling and warmth. A feeling that you don't necessarily notice when you're're too busy trying to put together your new toy, or find the missing parts to your Polly Pocket Fairy Land.
The "feeling" of Christmas was absolutely was just BETTER.
I wasn't expecting gifts, I barely remembered that were exchanging them at all. I wanted to listen and drink in every word that came out of my families mouths. I wanted to take mental note of every story, and visualize their experiences as if I were there. If only there were reminders everyday to let us remember that THAT is what it is supposed to be's much too easy to get caight up in the worry, the stress of making your casserole jut right, or worrying that your gift isn't enough. Though every store, every street, has reminders that we should be jolly and FEEL's remembering that everyday, family, or the people you love make Christmas what it is. Not the gifts, not the extra strand of lights over the garage, not "Elf" or "Christmas Vacation" (though, those are fantastic films, that should always be present)...It's not about any THING.
It's simply the joy of a day. A day with incredible history, tradition, and love. And I absolutely FELT all of that tonight.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Kriss Kringle needs a lunch break too.

Santa Claus was enjoying a large pastrami sandwich at Heidi's Deli today. I mean, he was St. Nick reincarnated. Unquestionably the upper echelon of Santa's, up there with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade Santa... but better. If you're a casting director working on a Christmas movie, look no further...your Santa is enjoying some chow in Colorado, it's about time for Tim Allen to retire, he could be The Santa Claus 4. Just a thought.
I would think there would be some sort of contract outlining the reasons you shouldn't venture outside the mall if you're Father Christmas, just in case he has a love of the sauce and is caught sipping Makers Mark, while cat calling 15 year old girls outside Hollister. That's just one scenario, he could just be grumpy after a long hard day of wailing children, nervous peeing on his lap, or asking for things like bows and arrows, or "to just get mommy and daddy back together"....he's not a therapist, he's Santa, I wouldn't be surprised if all mall Santa's get a complimentary flask attached to their belt buckle.
After all that drama from Nov-Dec, wearing the "costume" outside the work place seems like a ticking time bomb for some little kid's dream to get crushed, when all he wants to do is eat a pastrami sandwich...He doesn't give an F if you want a bike, with a basket.
This Santa however, was a nice Santa. So nice, the sandwich was put on hold for this little girl... I was seriously into my turkey wrap, so, I wasn't really paying attention until I noticed my dad....staring off into the distance, misty eyed.
Yes. He was crying.

...he did the silent cry/choke that prevents words from forming.
This is just more evidence to add to my file called "My Dad is the Best Man Alive"
"Its just...Its just...."
Come on, spit it out weeping willow.
" just don't see people that are that kind. Its just so simple, but kind....Kindess like that doesn't exsist, he took his time...and was listening. It's just KIND."
AW. He was right, it was genuinely a sweet moment....that will stick with that little girl forever...and now, I was officially in the Christmas spirit.
We started brainstorming about things that we could the past we've gone and bought groceries for families-anonymously, given to organizations and one time my Papa stopped in the middle of a blizzard and pulled over to give a man his jacket, out of pure kindess. I was only about five, but I remember him saying, "He needs it more than I do."

While i've been the vision of overindulgence, pure gluttony (I was dipping pretzels in frosting the other wrong, but SO DEE-LICIOUS)and have been sitting in my warm home, making family festivies the norm and generally swimming in the abundance of my life, there are so many places that are lacking in areas where I am plentiful. I could be contributing, somewhere? Even on a small scale. So, what could we do....?? This is by no means a new idea, but sometimes we need to be reminded. And today, the embodiment of all things good and joy related,a giver, reminded me.
The brainstorming is in motion, I'm creating "a web"...any ideas?

Friday, December 21, 2007

The reason my Mom made me grilled cheese and soup....

The 24 hour flu bug bit me in the ass today. I am completely deserving. Karma says so, since recently i've been comparing my feelings to that of spoiled milk. I.E. "Thinking of unrequited love makes me feel like I drank spoiled milk." or "The idea of reliving highschool again makes me feel like I drank spoiled milk." and my favorite, "Gloria Estefan's Christmas music makes me feel like I drank spoiled milk."
So thank you Universe, you heard my plea to, indeed, feel as though I drank a vat of spoiled milk. I appreciate it. Queasiness should not be taken lightly, or you're just asking for nausea to pull a stealthy ninja move on you, and make you reach for the closest thing to throw up into- like a napkin or a wine bottle shaped gift bag.
Yeah. Sexual.

And no, I am not pregnant. Though that seems to be a popular trend, I'm not drinking the water they're drinking or engaging in the activities they're engaging on (currently), so, I think unless there's an Immaculate is that time of year (you know the guy)...It has to be the standard, run of the mill, flu bug.
For those who are experiencing the other type of nausea, that involves a small ball of goop forming teeth and bones inside your uterus (fine, not teeth, but shit wouldn't that be a trip..gnawing away at your lining), congratulations- Lily Allen, Jessica Alba, Jamie Lynn, Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, and that tragic American Idol girl Jessica Siera?
Make good choices. And Lily, please make another album, but not any stupid videos while cradling your belly and looking at the sky ( Name that pop star, i'll give you a Christmas cookie).

Over and out.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Bitter Betty and Pretty Chelsea- dynamic duo.

So I started off as such an asshole yesterday. I mean, really, I was making completely unecessary comments about strangers on the street like, "Hey, If you're gonna have a baby, maybe have a car first. Or a stroller." For all I know they could have been taking a brisk walk to the seven eleven for some fresh air, baby peas and a slurpee, but something told me (considering Mama still had braces) that they didn't have a car. Or a license. On that note, Congratulations Jamie Lynn Spears? ??

I continued on with bitter comments about people with "TRY JESUS" on their bumper stickers....I think I said something like, "Mmmm I tried that, didn't really like it. And your bumper sticker sort of makes me want to ram the shit out of your car."
I'm sure that's not the reaction they're looking for and truthfully I'm all open and groovy with you having your own religious beliefs, but how about all the people driving behind you that are Buddhist, or Atheist or Muslim, orrrrr...Scientoligist'? How about them, because i'm pretty sure with that bumper sticker you're seriously increasing the chances of getting rearended. Just a thought.
The "Coexsist" bumper stickers i'm good with....cause you're not shoving your uninivited and exclusive beliefs and invading my brain with your, "Jesus is the only way" idea.

Bitter Betty then took a back seat after she was fed a variety of holiday candies, and Chelsea came back. Betty is always an interesting character to invite to a party every once in awhile...she can be a real hoot. Yes, I said Hoot.
Apparently when Betty left, "Pretty Chelsea" decided to make an appearance. Let me tell you about "Pretty Chelsea," she generally starts off by deciding to- A. Wear heels, normal Chelsea likes to walk too fast for heels, but "Pretty Chelsea" doesn't mind taking her time. B. She pulls out a dress. and C. "Pretty Chelsea" is alll about talking to strangers. And strangers, are all about talking to her.

MAN NUMBER 1- Apparently from Texas, hence the Longhorn's hat
"Wow.....what an amazing dress...!"
"Well thannnnk yooouuuu..." Pretty Chelsea responded with a mouthful of molasses and fluttery eyes. Oh yes, Pretty Chelsea was in full affect.

MAN NUMBER 2- Older, and apparently into Fetish Sex, being that, that was the book isle he was perusing.
"WOW! What abstract colors...beautiful dress."
"Aw thanks! yeah! its bright!" Pretty Chelsea responded, using exclamation points after! every! word! Now, placing Pretty Chelsea not only in the hyper active sorority category, but also in "Loudest person in Barnes and Noble" category. Everyone hates that person.

MAN NUMBER 3- Mm, nothing was terribly special about him.
"What a lovely dress...." He did say lovely, so, he must be special.
"You're so nice. Thank you." Pretty Chelsea was now on her pedestal and feeling ultra confident/cocky and responded like he was the 50th person to say this. But, pedestals are temporary and ego's are checked when "Pretty Chelsea" sets down the book she's been reading for 45 minutes, and failed to look at the title that appropriately said,........."KISS ME I'M SINGLE. ODE TO A SINGLE LIFE."

Something tells me they didn't care all that much about my dress..... :)

Friday, December 14, 2007

Loss of Love

Ehhhh. I was avoiding talking about this. Because the idea of ever feeling NEEDY, PATHETIC, HEARTBROKEN, OR DEPENDANT, have all been emotions i've run from like the plague. I have spent the majority of my life as an adult avoiding letting anyone love me. Strictly in the romantic sense. In the beginning, I don't know that it had all that much to do with rejection, but more fear of codependancy. Losing self reliance. Fear that LOVE would in fact find it's way to nuzzle in between me and my dreams and therefore work as a barrier. And to me, the ability to rely on self was enough for me. Until I decided to love, until I decided to BE that person "in love". To actually, fully, completely, be taken by another person and allow space between myself and dreams, figuring that if it were real, nothing else mattered.

When it comes to friendships it has always been love, because with friendship- it's unconditional. With romantic love, ideally, it should be unconditional...but there's a sense of fear in romatic relationships: fear of losing, fear or heartbreak, fear of disappointment, fear of losing yourself etc. With friends, those fears aren't know, no matter what, that you'll remain YOU, and they'll remain'll be two complete and WHOLE individuals, benefiting from one another rather than taking away from one another. With fear involved the ability to rationalize, not become too needy, not worry yourself into sleepless nights or change yourself in order to "keep" someone, becomes a constant...out of fear of loss. Fear changes all logical thinking, whether is fear of losing or fear of commiting. Fear fixes an idea in your head, a pessimitic and stubborn idea. The road you're on , or the person you're with become fear's warped version.
Without communication, full, complete and honest communication and truth, it's difficult to know where one another stands. And that is where the fear sets in. And too often relationships come to an end from ill communication and worry.

So rather than letting romantic love....this magnificent emotion, just be, there's a desire to grip. So that you won't get hurt. So you won't have to experience loss. It isn't just a person you're losing but a significant piece of yourself, a you that only THEY know. An unfiltered, raw version of you. The you that is open and warm,without rules, without limitation on HOW MUCH to love, how much to give and wanting so badly, to be unconditional...and wanting them in turn, to be unconditionally in love with you.

With love there is risk. Ideally, all love should be received- realistically, it is not. So do you choose to avoid love? Regret it? No. Of course not.

Previously, I would have never let myself fall. Never let myself say every-single-word, feel every-single-thing, or say, "Hey, nothing else matters, as long as you're there, it'll be ok." And though it wasn't received...I could become bitter, say f*ck that, not again. But I realize that wouldn't serve me, in any way, it only makes the loss more painful. So am I hurt? Absolutely. Apprehensive about the future, about men? Absolutely. Do I have questions, do I wake up and say "what the fuuuuck??" every morning? Yep. I do. Do I wish things were different? YES. Do I wonder if there will ever, be anybody that will compare to him, make me FEEL that again? YES. Constantly. But, would I erase it...would I change all of that mixed up, ecstatic, hopeful, frenzied, confusing, sincere, uncenscored, and TREMENDOUS feelings, that was and is undoubtedly love? NO. I wouldn't change a thing. And though there's a piece, a whole larrrge piece that he has, only he knows, and only he will ever know- I wouldn't ask for it back. I would only hope he would cherish it, recognize it. Unconditionally.
Wound's become scars and scars heal. And fear has no place next to love.

To continue...

" Success isn't about crossing things off life's to-do list. It's about having the grace and fortitude to move through change, curls in tact and smiling..... The plan should be learning how to live without one, or how to carry a big fat eraser in your petite handbag. It's comfortable to have plans, but you've got to be loose enough to accept change." Stephanie Klein.

For so much of my life I've had this neurotic nightly procedure, where I sit down and write a to-do list for the next day. Even when there was really nothing "to-do",
it was more or less to give me a sense of purpose. A sense of stability.
I have always thought of accomplishment, or accomplishing something as a result of strength and drive. It is in fact those things, but i'm realizing strength and drive, perserverance- dont always end in the typical terms of "accomplished." There isn't always a happy ending, s trophy with your name engraved, a bonus or a promotion.
Sometimes the endings are messy, sometimes they're painful, or sometimes they're nothing at all. And so often you pull through situations with nothing at the end to show for them. Rather, you've changed leaps and bounds, internally. And the only person that understands that is you. So yeah, maybe you dont have something to "show" for it, but tangible or not, endings- in any sense, need to be acknowledged within for the lessons you've learned and the beginnings you're now in.
Meanwhile, your ideas of the "new beginning" may not reflect your idea. So yet, another change...and hopefully- medals or not,"perfect" or not, you can acknowledge your strength to persevere. To continue.
Life is better without lists. With lists you're only looking for what you already KNOW, without them...the opportunities, the knowledge, the observations, the day before you can be better appreciated and remaining open makes your ability to appreciate "what is" less of a struggle.

So, continue. With grace and fortitude.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


DUNBAR. IS. A. DOUCHEBAG. (note: Dunbar is from The Real World) And those are the kindest words I have for him. First of ALL- if any man ever called me a bitch the way he so flippantly throws it at the women in his household- they, would lose their penis.

Men like him make it very clear that men have a VERY. VERY. different view of what "love" is.

Dunbar. You make me feel like throwing up.
Note to self: I should have taken mental note when, "man I love," professed his liking for him. Hi, red f*cking flag.
Interesting that we only hear what we'd like to. I hope "sweet Julie" dumps his chauvinistic, disrespectful, scum crusted, black hearted, ass. Motherf*cker.

Monday, December 10, 2007

"The Raft"

For longer than I'd like to remember i've been dangling on a string of failure after failure, disappointment after disappointment, possibilities later to be seen as "distant illusions", options equalling non-options. etc. etc. There are many ways for me to paint the gray picture of what i've been experiencing.

In this past i've been allll about energy. Intuition. Believing and thus receiving. Visualization. FAITH. Having some sort of trust in the universe, and often even seeing in retrospect why certain events worked in they way they did. That was in the past. A past i'm having a hard time outlining for you, because frankly it seems like a long time ago since i've actually believed the words I can easily regurgitate to people in need of "words of wisdom" and scoff at when repeated to myself. I can be such a salesman. It sounds great, i'm really good at selling it and I often trick myself into ACTUALLY believing it, until I find that i'm only believing the words i'm saying based on no actual evidence.

I'm sorry I should have given this blog a disclaimer. With a headline warning you of my pity-party attitude. Actually, let's not call it a party, it's more like a whiny- diary type blog no one should ever really read or they may think you're a cynical asshole. A party would entail chips and dip. Or a cocktail.

Speaking of which- I may still be hungover from my weekend in Vegas (that's a blog suited for a better attitude. Maybe tomorrow after I've consumed 6 cups of coffee and hopefully a scone) which could be attributing to my new alter ego-Downbeat Donna who often is accompanied by Negative Nancy, Sad Sally, Bitter Betty,Dark Darla. And all those other off putting emotions with off putting sorority names.

So. Back to Faith. Strangely enough I have some, I'd just like the opportunity to use it. It's hard to put your faith to use when your visualization is looking something like: A raft. Slightly deflated. Floating. But barely. In what looks like an ocean....or a wide river. Under what seems to be a stormy sky. Movement? Mmm. Not really, just slightly from a ripple, if a fish swims by....a fish! That must be a good sign. There is life out there.

And as far as fish go. There was only one. In my sea...or my wide river. Apparently there are supposed to be many???
I'm assuming that would look something like Vegas this weekend where not only was the Rodeo convention in town, but so where the British. For the Mayweather vs. Floyd fight. That seems like quite the sea of fish in cow boy boots and slurry-British- accents and stumbling. And that also seems like the opportunity to chase some tail. Who's chasing who's tail I don't know, but was tail chased? I think NOT.
I apparently was not in their sea nor were they in mine. They were in England, or on horses and I was drinking my weight in sugar rimmed martinis.

Looks like my visualition needs some work. Slightly deflated means slowly delfating...Thank god I know how to swim.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Drinks? I think we need a drink.

I'm pulling a "Britney" today. No, I didn't get pregnant, i'm not popping perscription pills and I didn't run over a paparazzi's Nike- cause frankly, i'm not that interesting to follow around. I just look like her twin. My bun is placed-disheveld of course, but specifically piled on top of my head like a birds nest- after a tornado and yesterdays mascara has given me a pathetically sullen crack-baby look. No to mention i'm really craving cheeto's and a frappacino.

I just returned from a whirlwind trip to NYC. Unfortunately it wasn't for play, but business. So naturally the flight en route isn't going to feel like a relaxing vacation to Cancun. After a two hour delay, we finally get on the plane....the back row. Naturally.
Then three bad-ass chicks with vintage snowboots and jackets with patches- reflecting all of the awesome things they do- come barreling towards the back. Roller Derby chicks? Si. YES. I'm thinking, I can take some notes from these girls- anyone who wears a mouthgaurd on a daily basis AND heels instantly goes platinum in my book.
Instant friendships flourish, best friend necklace's are exchanged and shoulders are used as pillows throughout the flight- ok, it wasn't exactly like that but we did share a trifecta of gossips magazines and snacks. Milk duds from me and blueberries and sausage from them....blueberries and sausage? Only ultra wicked people can stray from the standard peanuts and gummi worms for produce.

Fast forward. TWO HOURS. ON THE PLANE. WITHOUT TAKING OFF. With a four hour plane ride still ahead.

So. Mid-flight....Mid nap...I smell something strange. HM? what could that be? Just a vomiting, shitting, dog convenientally taking a bath in the bathroom next to me. Welcome to the back of the plane.
Just about this time a severe amount of turbulence begins to threaten my life...I'm not big on flying to being with...So nose plugged and hands gripping my seat with a Tom Cruise- Mission Impossible 2, death grip....a sudden feeling of relief washed over me...I opened my clenched eyes to see the vision of an United stewardess garb ...setting bottles of free wine on my tray. Hallelujah.

Though the wine did the trick for an hour or so and eavesdropping on conversation regarding "The Rabbit" and duct tape, from frequent usage, did ease my fear of death for a moment, i've decided i'd much rather have daily dentist appointments, or "tax day" than fly, delayed-in turbulence-with shitting Maltisse's.

I was also unprepared for the forthcoming day where the person I loved decided to play an intense game of raquetball with my heart and then leave it at that....

I would have preffered he used a ball. Or maybe didn't play at all. Just a thought.