Thursday, January 17, 2008

I can't be a badass all the time.

Hey, yoooo , holy, balmy, oozing, masochistic, and entirely unproductive emotions.

I swear, I must like to do this to myself- "this" meaning: watch movies that remind me how utterly alone I am and then play songs on repeat that remind me how utterly alone I am.

The word- utterly, is a pretty pathetic word in itself. When I describe myself as UTTERLY anything, I paint a nice misty grey picture of me bawling so hard I cannot distinguish between my snot and my tears. Which is, utterly, disgusting. Just say it- UGGHHHHHtterly, it echoes the sound of- WAAAA, ya know, like a fucking baby.

I watched Once tonight. Beautiful movie, amazing soundtrack. Then, since I was in "that space", I decided to whip out my Ipod, and really go there.

There; the place where utterly lives. The place where you store all of your sweet memories of, "what was". The place where you visualize sweet nothings that people have said. The place where you try to convince yourself that those "nothings" were "somethings."

The place that so VIVIDLY remembers exactly what if felt like to intertwine your fingers with someones, to have hair wiped from your eyes, so they can see you better, to not having to explain yourself- cause they already understood, to have someone touch your waist, to remember the feeling of socked feet pretezling into one another under the weight of blankets and body heat.

There is a place we keep. We hold. We wrap safely in memories cushioned with fondness, and wrap it tightly enough as to forget the places where it went wrong. There doesn't hold anything but good. Good that was, and that isn't. There; remembers what they last ordered at Starbucks, and the way they walked. There, genuine child-like excitement happened every time you answered the phone and every time he said I miss you. There was full of butterflies. There, was happy.

And who better to take you There and remind you how much you miss feeling that way and remind you, how you are, utterly, singular than;

Whitney Houston- That's right ladies and gents. WHIT. My girl. The one true, pure voice of our age. I say that with complete sincerity. Come on, before she pulled the whole "crack is wack" stunt....she sang "I HAVE NOTHING." If you're having a memory lapse, I suggest renting The Bodyguard and brushing up on your history, and stop embarrassing me with your lack of musical aptitude .

"I have nothing" is BY FAR. One of the greatest songs ever written. I can only imagine when the recording was finished that everyone involved said, "WORD, we can retire now." Clearly, Whitney did.

It is emotional, flawless, immaculate-how about when she says, "Don't you DAAAARE walk away from Me- E-EEE" You know brother man turned right back around. ."....I if don't have OO OO." Boo, Devil! She had me at hello. Or something.

On with the torture.

How about this sparkling gem of a downer-
Mariah Carey -"If it's over" My personal favorite and somewhat lesser known. Since, Mariah was always crying about something, it got lost among the collection of heart snatching hits. And to follow up, try-"Can't Let Go" Just in case you haven't considered running in front of a bus or becoming a nun by now.

Yes, I understand- I had a late 80's throwback night of wailing songstresses. I'm not crying in a cup of black coffee over Deathcab for Cutie or Bright Eyes, the more acceptable emo/indie thing to do. I'm not nearly as cool as I fooled you into thinking I am and my pajamas have cats wearing pearls on them. What now?

And last, but certainly not least- seeing as she is the only one who continues to have a sane career:
Melissa Etheridge-"The Letting Go" Apparently women are capable of afflicting anguish upon the heart as well. Not that I would know...

So, in order to get out of There, and get back to here; wherever the fuck that is. I decided to download The Scissor Sisters "I don't feel like dancin'" and "shake it off". But, just in case I feel like spiraling down the well of eternal bitter "Old Maid" and Valentine's Day boycotting organizer-

Did I miss any tunes that take you There?


AP said...

"Everything" by Lifehouse. I swear to god just DL it. I cry every time.

and I have to say, I completely and totally relate to everything you've written. I've been there a few times myself. And they aren't fun times, I know. If we were from the same place- we would totally be going out for drinks right now because that alone feeling really sucks.

hang in there :) (but DL that song!)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Thanks a.p ;) I love my blog friends, I swear I would grab drinks with all you radical people.
"Everything" is....indeed...a very, very, sad song. Beautiful, but LORDY, it. is. sad.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I'm jumping eras ahead to the mid-nineties and the release of Clueless, but does "All By Myself" not epitomize all that is Ugh-terly depressing about being alone?

Oh, and ONLY a total badass could follow the words "kitten" "pearl" and "pajamas" with "What" and get away with it.

Renee said...

Kelly Clarkson never fails at tearing me down then bringing me back up. Bitch, I love her.

Renee said...

OH! And I can't believe I almost didn't mention this... There's a musical called The Last Five Years that is SO sad that I get a pit in my stomach no matter how many times I listen to it. It's about the rise and fall of a 5 year relationship... starring only two characters. If you're into musicals at all, INVEST.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

Romeo and Juliet by the Dire Straits
Watching You by Melissa Ethridge
Dirty Work by Steely Dan

Actually I have a whole playlist on my ipod for when I want to cry in my beer.

But... I'm working on a paradigm shift. All badass all the time.

Unknown said...

I don't listen to sad music...too depressing. When I am "down" I listen to Mazzy Star. Check out my blog as I posted a few of my favorite new music finds...hopefully one of those will help put you in better spirits.

ANA said...

I am an alt/rock person, I tend to keep myself away from sad songs, actually I do listen to sad songs but metal tends to bring out the feelings *no hidden meanings there*

But I do understand the singularity you are talking about....

Unknown said...

Call me shallow but I love this song "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor or any of the remix :)

Brunhilda said...

Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits only gets me when I'm in certain moods. I listen to it almost every day, though.

If you haven't listened to any Julie Roberts, can I highly recommend "I Can't Get Over You" and "Rain on a Tin Roof" for weepy evenings?

I have two sad playlists on my iTunes, so I am all about the wallowing.
I love Dreams by Fleetwood Mac and Lonely September by the Plain White T's and of course I Ain't Missing You at All by John Waite.

I shouldn't have gotten into this playlist this early in the day...

Maxie said...

You know what always gets to me? "Breakdown" by Mariah Carey... I guess it's because that's how I've felt for the last 2 years or so... Like just having to hide that you're even upset from the person. Ugh.

Chele said...

My gosh this post I soooo know the feeling, the bawling into a pillow pretending your in his arms again.

ONCE is a great movie and I have my ¨feel sorry for myself¨ to the song Falling Slowly, makes me cry every single time. I created a cry list on my here are some for the days you really really need to cry and feel like a soundtrack movie. Get these songs:

*Let it die-feist
*Lover you should come over-Jeff Buckley(this is serious crying session)
Hope theres someone- Antony and the johnsons
This womans worth-maxwell/kate bush

oh and mix up some radiohead, coldplay and damien rice for extra tears.

Top it of with some Barbra Streisand...hehehe

Anonymous said...

Oh, you're such a cheese.

How about I'll Stand By You by Carrie Underwood. There. That's my cheese contribution for the day. Only for you. But don't tell anybody.

Anonymous said...

Oh my..

Honey and the Moon-Joseph Arthur.

You really are a softie.

B said...

at one point, I had an entire playlist that took me "there."

I was pathetic to the 10th degree.


Anonymous said...

Damien Rice-Delicate

especially this part
"So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?"

that one gets me EVERY time.

Ben Harper-Alone

I tend to be a rock person so I don't venture into the Whit/Mariah category, like ever.

Anonymous said...

I am now officially rocking out to I Have Nothing. I forgot how much I love that song!

Britt said...

*hugs* Sorry you had an alone day. Not a fun time.

I get all worked up over "Why don't you and I' by Chad Kroeger and Santana. It was a song of an old BF and I. If I need to cry about that...that's the song. Its not overly sad, however it brings up serious memories.

Sparkling Red said...

Oh yeah, there's nothing quite like 80's ballads.

My ultimate nostalgic love song is 'Be Near Me' by ABC. It's just so sweet. I mist up every time I hear it.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Can't answer your question - still trying to get past Whitney Houston...

Shanti said...

okay, hi. i'm the girl who totally confessed to listening to kost 103.5 on late night drives home or while laying on the floor being sad about things that once were aka nothing.

-where we gonna go from here-mat kearny
-somewhere out there-our lady peace *this actually has actual memory attached to it. he's now engaged.
-motorcycle drive by-third eye blind
-the love actually soundtrack
-everything rachel yamagata sings.

okay i can keep going forever, but if it makes you feel any better i used to listen to whit and mariah when i was like 12 and get super sad. if i still had the cds i imagine i would still be doing the same.

Jess said...

Man, any romance movie used to just kill me at the end when everything is perfect and wonderful. I didn't want a Hollywood ending but just a little bit of that emotion. It was awful. I don't know why we torture ourselves like this.

shelleycoughlin said...

"Utterly" makes me think of that Winona Ryder scene in Beetlejuice where she's writing her suicide letter and she starts off with "I am alone", then changes it to "I am UTTERLY alone." Gets me every time.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Exposed- oh you haddd to pull out some Celine Dion, i'm so proud of you.

Renee-I'm a musical nerd how do I not know of this musical....I mist look it uppp.....strange

The maiden- THOSE ARE GREAT TUNES. Ya know what, I'd like to be part of that shift as well, all badass all the time. Sounds good.

Heidi B- hm, "fade into you" is pretty gushy. Though I do love Mazzy Star.

Ana- hahah, I feel like I need to redeem myself with another post letting everyone know, that, I DO LISTEN TO GOOD MUSIC, I was just having a moment.

Ecky- That's such an anthem.

Sequined- sorry ot make you venture into "sad town" but thank you fo rthe suggestions, I absolutely love FLEETWOOD MAC. Love, I would marry Stevie Nicks, even now. Even old.

Maxie- That song is the shit. With a little WU TANG CLAN, hell yeah.

Chele- You are winning serious points of rsuggesting Jeff Buckely. triple stars for you.

Emma- thank you for the suggestion, I appreciate your willingness to not be too cool for just a moment :)

Ashley- I am a sofite. a big fucking kleenex factory. A big ass teddy bear, feather pillow, marshmellow. I'm that much of a softie. And I love Joseph Arthur.

Deutlich- We all need to do it sometimes.

Raven- I love love love Damien Rice, and actully his entire album makes me want to drown in a bathtub.
BUT it is a brilliant album. Same with Ben Harper, I prefer his happier side though.

lspoon- HOLLAAA!!

Britt- thanks fo rthe virtual hugs my dear, you're awesome.

Sparkling Red- I have to check it out.

The Cherry Ride- Oh come's ok, you can be anonymously "uncool" here. It's all good with me.

Shanti- great tunes, and hey, I listen to late night talk shows when i'm driving at night too. Cause I like to pretend I'm 50.

Jess- Because, we like to remind ourselves how much it SUCKS to be single. lol.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nancypearl- THAT USED OT BE MY FAVORITE MOVIE, I used to be all creepy like her when I was kid. Loved her.

A Margarita said...

Jack Johnson speaks to my soul.

One of his latest, "If I Had Eyes," was written for me. Ah! I have it on repeat right now.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I have three weepy songs...
1) These are the moments
2) So What by Ani Difranco
3) Loveology by Regina Spektor


Jessie Cacciola said...

um, Celine Dion "where does my heart beat now" of course, and "i can't make you love me," by Bonnie Raitt...they just don't make songs like they used to far as getting out of there, i have a playlist for that sole purpose -- with all classic rock...rolling stones, ac/dc, led zeppelin..all the good stuff)
- Jessie -

ps it's amazing how you made me laugh and mope at the same time =)

SLynnRo said...

Because I am UTTERLY immature, utterly makes me think of udders. On a cow.

And my song- "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keen. And "I Can't Make YOu Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt. All songs that remind me of terrible relationship times.

Smiler said...

Just came over to get a lay of the land. You're a fellow three sixtyfiver I see. I designed a couple of badges, more on the way, you might want to have a look (you'll see the link on the right column if you're interested). Thanks for your visit! :-)

carrie lea said...

OMG Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most". I'm not a country fan at all, but in Iowa country songs find a way to creep into the top 20 radio stations, and every time I heard this song, I literally had to pull the car over and weep. From my experience, things get better with time, and feelings will fade. I admire you for finding constructive outlets (i.e. blogging, music and movies) for dealing with your emotions. After my "big breakup" I tried everything from reading "It's Called a Breakup Because its Broken", to joining a boxing club, but for me nothing felt better than laying in bed and feeling miserable. Stay positive!

JulieGong said...

I have a box of THERE. I just looked through it the other day.

Now I'm making a new THERE but it's still hard to forget the old one...

Anonymous said...

Ok, um, hi! Can i just say that i totally love that you love 80's music? the ultimate factor though: do you love 90s music to? please? Please!?

I'm sorry you had a THERE moment the other day, those are crappy..but here's a bloggy hug for you!

BTW, here's some other songs I thought of:
Run-Snow Patrol
My Heart will Go On-Celine Dion
Luckiest-Ben Folds

Those are all killer for me.

brandy said...

So.. I was going to pull out Celine, but someone beat me to the punch. Now I'm just going to pull out a pencil and paper to write down all these songs your commenters have left. Because honestly? I need a playlist that takes me to the edge of reason/sanity. Usually I get my good cry out from watching Extreme Home Makeover, but Ty has been getting on my nerves. I think a new playlist will do the trick.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

amargarita- Hey, I love your name...and Jack Johnson makes my heart got pitter patter.

ablogofherown- Regina Spektor really gets me. I love her.

Jessie and slynnro- OH, I CANT EVEN GO THERE WITH "I CANT MAKE YOU LOVE ME"....cannnnot do it, my heart could not take that.

Smiler- word Ill take a look!

carrie lea- A BOXING CLUB?! I need to do that. Thanks for the suggestions :)

Julioe Gong- exactly, I'm making a new THERE,'s still tough.

Indianred- ADORE 90'S MUSIC. ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

brandy- yes please make a playlist, it always helps.

Jenny DeMilo said...

the songs that get to me are the ones that remind me of a certain time and or place ... "James: Laid" I shit you not it can reduce me to tears in 2 seconds flat no matter where i am and no matter who im with.

And dont go teasing about your kitty cat Pjs the only thing that would make that sexier is if they had feets in them :D

Anonymous said...

Yes, I am posting again because I knew you would respond :)

Have you seen Damien live? I did this year and it was AMAZING. He is AMAZING. Same with Ben, I also saw him live this year and DITTO!

My husband proposed to me with Not Fire, Not Ice-Ben Harper which also makes me cry but for happy reasons.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Jenny- Oh how I WISH there were feet in them

Raven- I haven't seem him live, but GOD I WOULD LOVE TO.
I have seen Ben though, actually....I'm in his video "Morning yearning", I have a special little place for him in my heart. and your husband must be amazing.

Ubermouth said...


Chelsea likes bad movies!


B2G said...

Come Home by OneRepublic:

There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in their own place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say you’ll..

Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home

Le sigh.

Katelin said...

"Getting By" - Weekend Excursion. Such a pretty song. And "Everything" by Lifehouse is definitely up there for me too.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Ian- You're such a boy.

Captain backfire- wow....those lyrics, dagger to the heart.

Katelin- I don't know "getting by" I must investigate.

Anonymous said...

I was known to belt out a little Whitney when I was in college usually during boring sorority meetings. And especially "I Have Nothing." Top. Notch.

The Underpaid Princess said...

First of all, Whitney is awesome and The Bodyguard soundtrack is amazing.

My utterly would be "Anytime" by Brian McKnight. "Do you ever wake up reaching out for me?" Ack it breaks my heart.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

la- I am SO glad you agree.

Underpaid Princess- I heart your name. and yes, you have just reminded me how UTTERLY heartbreaking that song is.

Katherine said...

I second Jeff Buckley. Kills me every time...that and "Endlessly" by Muse, or "You Love Me" by DeVotchka.

PrincessPolly said...

I'm sorry to admit this but for me it's "Against All Odds" by Phil Collins. I'm off to hide and cringe now . . . :(

Marcheline said...

Garth Brooks, "The Dance". There is nothing sadder than this song. In the entire world.

Over and out.
- M

Marcheline said...

Let us not ignore Josh Groban's heart-rending "Broken Vow":

Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end

Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own

I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow

Anonymous said...

because of you by kelly clarkson - the raw emotion of that song just...makes me cry and remember all the emotions - good and bad of my last relationship even now almost two years out when i'm practically engaged.

But that whitney houston song...oh man. yeah that's pretty intense and emotional.

i used to have a list full of songs - anything john mayer (esp. Comfortable and not myself. ) sweet mother...thinking about it...gah. emotions. crazy...neurotic. haha

Nik said...

My THERE album is Bitter my Me'Shell Ndegeocello. The entire album puts in in this place... i get chills just thinking about it. Best song on the album is Fool of Me. check it out if you haven't.