Friday, February 15, 2008

Let's talk about love baby.

Cupid, dear cupid, what did I do? I've been so devoted and faithful to you, I'd rub your sweet belly (oh, wait, do him and Buddha fall into the same catergory with the belly thing?), I'd fall for you tricks, and I wouldn't get pissed if you shot me a kiss. So please shoot an arrow- straight to my ass, I really love men and all of there sass. Cupid, dear cupid, this is entirely stupid, but send me some lovin' before I get all......nothing rhymes with stupid as much as: dried up like a prune.

I know I'm a day late and intentionally so, I would like cupids full attention.

Lets talk about LOVE, since it's as mythical to me as a damn unicorn:

1. Best thing about Valentines Day- Little Debbie Valentines heart cakes.

2. Worst thing: Oh, I don't know, existing?

3. Did anyone else think is was so endearing when grill busted Amy Winehouse said, " To my Blake incarcerated" Incarcerated is an adorable word when you have a cockney accent. And incarceration must = true love?

4. The first boy I ever pecked was in 1st grade. I kissed him on the shoulder. He had no idea.

5. The first guy I ever slept with broke my heart- before I slept with him. That would never happen now, I've upped my standards a bit.

6. The only "date"(meaning, acquaintance, friend of a friend who asked me out, picked me up and took me out to Indian food) I've actually enjoyed was with a guy who ommitted the info about his GIRLFRIEND. In Brazil. A hot, bikini model girlfriend.

7. Swedish guys are fun. I know first hand.

8. An Italian guy once told me he "loved me" after only brief outings with broken conversation. If I spoke Italian, I probably would have loved him too. He was badass guitar player with pretty hair.

9. The only Valentines day that I enjoyed was in a hotel with; sex, chocolate cake, red wine, The Notebook AND pasta. Sex and cake are my favorite.

10. My first real kiss tasted like bananas. And bananas now remind me of kissing.

11. I have a goal to one day have a reason to wear a diamond bra like a fucking Victoria Secret's Angel. Maybe next V-day?

12. You know who's a weird couple? Jake Ghyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. Weird why? Because he's my other half. On one side anyways- I reserve room for the likes of David Beckham on the other side.

13. I fell for a guy once who asked me on a date to the Labrea Tarpits followed by a dinner of late night hot dogs. Turns out he LIVED with his ex-girlfriend. That didn't fly for long.

14. My dad is my only true, consistant, Valentine.

15. I once liked a guy named Franz, he liked my best friend.

16. One guy I dated was later arrested for stealing lunch meat and a forty. This embarressing, and true.

17. I once liked a guy who was a 25 year old virgin. I was clearly confused, he was clearly gay.

18. I once liked a guy who ended up living in a van on Venice Beach. He was a poor hippie.

19. I once dated a guy who would go on "secret golfing dates" with my dad. He wanted my family to adopt him.

20. I once got a love letter with GOGGLES attached to it. The goggles were my admirers most "prized possession." They freaked me the fuck out.

21. The only rose I ever received was from a checked out yoga instructor.

22. I've never had "a song" with someone, but there are ENTIRE genres of music I cannot listen to because they remind me of my ex.

23. I once went on a "non-date" date, to a Christmas party where the boss was wearing a kilt and kept slapping my ass.

24. My friend tried to hook me up with Kevin Federline, I politely declined.

25. I have secret crushes on baristas at Starbucks ALL THE TIME. It's part of the corporations evil plan to get me to come back.

26. One of my ex-boyfriends goes to Juilliard on a full ride, and wrote a song for me. Why did we break up again?

27. Ugh, "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt makes me want to sob in a bottle of vodka.

28. I slept with on of my best guy friends while watching "Ong Bak" the Thai warrior. Then was all whiney when he didn't want to date me. He's still one fo my best friend.

29. "There's girls, then there's 'Chelsea'...." I've been told this....A LOT. I don't really know how to respond to being seperate from the "girls" catergory?

30. I used to think I loved Prince William, until he didn't grow into his teeth.

31. Wine makes me frisky.

32. Close talking leads to kissing, thats the only thing they got right in all those teen movies. John Hughes is the master of the close talk/kiss.

33. After reading my list, I need to SERIOUSLY WORK ON WHO I DATE.

Would you like to add any of your love musings or former mishaps??


Carrie said...

OH my... your list takes the cake!

My best Valentines day? I stayed in bed all day and watched scary movies. By myself. AMAZING.

Anonymous said...

man, you missed the boat. You should have went out with k-fed. I think it's pretty plain to see that he was the normal one out of that relationship.

And you want a song? Well K-fed could have given you "PopoZao," a song of pure genius.

Anonymous said...

Your list is great! LOL I hope you have a wonderful V-Day! I was in the bed or on the couch sick with a virus


marisa rose said...

I think you're confused. Jake is my other half. Happens all the time, don't worry about it.

Sparkling Red said...

My worst date was actually with my ex-husband near the end of our marriage. In a last-ditch attempt to bring the romance back, we scheduled a date night. It went like this: He ordered Pizza Pizza. Then he hauled me off to bed for some "romance". We were all done with lots of time to spare when the pizza was delivered, 28 minutes later. Then he played video games by himself the rest of the night.

LADY said...

Brilliant post!!! I get the "There are girls...and then there's (insert my name here)." ALL THE TIME. I still haven't figured out how I feel about it....

My first love married the girl he dumped me for on my 25th birthday. Nice right? Then they bought the house next door to my parents. Needless to say I do not visit that much. True story.

Anonymous said...

My best v-day? Last night. I got together with friends (guys and girls) and we ate pizza and drank beer and then watched a really unnecessarily violent movie.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

single in the city- I did have a good one, I bar hopped and charmed my way out of paying the covers. :) lol. I drank too much vodka and then washed it down with...greasy pizza. It was perfection.

Sparklingred- that. is. terrible. ugh.

Anonymous said...

God, I was SO in love with Prince William. I sent him LOVE NOTES. Who knew Harry would turn out to be the hot one??

Summer said...

Ah how I loathe V-Day. I believe it's cause the last bazillion have sucked... I can't remember a good one since high school. Oh. And the last 5 guys I have dated have gotten back w/ their ex's. I also once dated the son of a grocery store chain who ended up being bi-polar (or so I diagnose) who called me a slut one night b/c his friends decided it would be fun to start ish. He's now going to be a dad... good luck child, good luck.

Anonymous said...

You so should have gone for K-fed!! Then you could have been semi-famous. ;)

My worst boyfriend and I decided to go on a break and he started dating a new girl. On V-day, he called me to ask for clarification on a recipe he was making for her for a V-day dinner. Shitty!

Dolce said...

I dated a 24 year old virgin. Even after we had sex he still claimed himself a virgin, so I disregarded it as well.

I've dated 3 men who are now openly gay. I take it as a compliment; they must think I'm so gorgeous that if I can't make them straight, no one will.

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

My mom is the best Valentine's a girl could want. I drove into my garage yesterday and found a gift of a mini rosebush and a box of gourmet cookies waiting for me at the door into my house! She's the best.

Michelle and the City said...

someone seriously tried to hook you up with k-fed? i would disown them ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes, those Little Debbie cakes are the best shit EVER.

courtney said...

...I once dated a guy who later got drunk, stole a car, totaled it, and ended up in prison for a month.


Katelin said...

Wow I don't think I could compete with your list.

I did however hook up with a guy and his twin brother found out and kept trying to hook up with me also. It was weird.

cdp said...

Lunch meat and a forty? Oh. Dear. Lord.

Gotta laugh, right?

Brunhilda said...

My dad is my only consistent Valentine, too! Aw, yay for dads.

B said...

maybe the 25 year old was saving himself for marriage? or something?

mcgee said...

Hahaha. That list is money.

#30 had me laughing for 5 minutes straight because dude? ME TOO.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Duetlich- that I couldve sort of dealt with, BUT, he said he wasnt AND we were definitely never getting married.

Courtney- wow, he must have been friends with my lunch meat guy.

and everyone...your stories are OUTRAGEOUS.

Justin Jones said...

hey hey!

hope your v day went well! (what a silly holiday anyway...forced romance isnt romance, is it??)

just a note -- i changed my blog from KingAmongRunaways (bleh!)to (better, huh?) so if you can update your link, that'd be sweet!


AP said...

haha your list is fabulous!

and to add: I dated a guy who owned a copy of Dating for Dummies. He treated it like the bible of our "relationship", knowing I was out of his league. The first time I went to his house, he sat me down on the couch and wanted feedback of how things were going. WTF. He would always ask if I was ok. uh... yeah. Stop asking dude.


MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

Aw well touché because my mom is still and always will by my best Valentine. So sad. Yes I still exist and I don’t cry into a bottle of vodka, tequila works better, it lets me get my anger out!

Happy VD miss smack!

Kate (pereka) said...

I don't have much of a list, though I must say that the point about your dad is true for me as well, though he doesn't know it. As for the diamond bra... well, I think is parts of me are going to get saggy early, it might as well be because they were weighed down by a spangled bra. It's a better story.


Anaka said...

#16 and #25 are my favorites. And #25 is so very true!

Anonymous said...

Good god, your list is amazing. Number 20... seriously, wtf? And 30 was put the best way I've ever heard it before. I never could figure out what it was about him now...

And too bad things didn't work out for you in the K-Fed area. *snap* darn.

Lisa said...

Hahaha. Dude. You're hilarious and I'm madly in smit with you.

Anonymous said...

I went out with a guy for 3 years who later stole my car on my birthday and then because his name was on the title (I was under 18 when I bought it) sold it for drug money. Then called to apologize and tell me he was going to make it up to me by putting me through college. WTF?

Julie Q said...

i cheated on my highschool boyfriend the weekend before V-day.(whatever- he was a sarcastic douchebag) I found out he had bought me the Tiffany's heart necklace, but then gave it to a FRESHMAN a couple weeks later. to cap it off, i was once her soccer coach.

your list was so much better than my Perez Hilton and US Weekly fills for the day

DJSassafrass said...

One of my best friends unknowingly punched the V-card of a 32-year-old friend of ours...I told her that I was positive that he would not know what he was doing!
Loved your list--I get the "you're not like a real girl" stuff too. We've all got our crazy date dues to pay I guess!

h*dizzle said...

ok i totally agree with you on #7...foreign guys are great!!!except if they are from Hungary! a few years ago i dated a hungarian and he turned out to be a total flake! he would always have some excuse for not hanging out or wahtever when i asked him to do something but when HE wanted to do something it was totally!lol just beware :)))

TKTC said...

Overall: Hilarious and I loved it to pieces. Now the breakdown...

1) And Reese's Hearts. That's the best thing about almost any holiday.

7) God I want to go to Scandinavia.

8) Cheers to hot badass guitar players. And Italians do have the sexiest hair.

9) Sex and anything.

17) Been there. So pretty.


30) much potential there and he HAD to look like his Dad.

31) Sex and up to four glasses of wine is GREAT sex, upwards of that and I'm napping.

32) The point of no return.

margottt said...

1. I once dated a guy who "doesn't do that" THAT meaning go down on girl, and then requested that I do THAT to him.

2. I once hung out with a guy 3 times before having a relationship consisting of textual intercourse for three months only for him to stand me up when we were supposed to meet in person.

...the list could go on and on. :)

Anonymous said...

i once dated a Guess model ..... that enjoyed eating clear-stick deodorant.


Chelsea Talks Smack said...

WOA, ok these stories are seriously amazing. and outrageous beyond belief.

I love you guys, I fel much less alone now. LOL.

kokostiletto said...

this was so cute! I completely agree that incarcerated sounds so much cuter in an english accent!

Katherine said...

so...I was struck by the fact that the first guy you slept with broke your heart before you slept with him...because the same thing happened to me. I have learned. Definitely...learned. Now I finally am with someone who a) treats me well and b) doesn't make me want to flee...

Maxie said...

you can have jake because i totally want reese and ryan to get back together.

my worst valentine's day? I'm sure it was in high school, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Secretista said...

I love the list.

I also love Nellie Mckay!!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Jake G. He is so friggin' handsome. Loved him in donnie Darko, just loved him!

phat_actress said...

Love your list! Personally, I had the best V-Day ever this year, filled with gorgeous men, dancing, and martinis. At the gay bar. But I had a blast.

My (single) friends and I were discussing recently how much more fun we have had on the V-Days where we were the ones with significant others involved always seemed to include tears, fights, and disappointment. To my sadistic amusement, on the 15th two of my paired up girlfriends recounted their Valentine's days to me, and both stories included tears, fights, and disappointment.

The lesson? Single girls go out and revel in your independence! If you're gonna spend 2/14 with a man, I'd suggest he be gay. :)

Laura said...

Your stories & all of these are so crazy...just to add one to the list:
I once dated a guy who broke up with me by calling me up on the phone & playing N'Sync's 'Bye, Bye, Bye' lie.
Needless to say, I wasn't heart broken.

Anonymous said...

Norwegian guys are also fun...just saying :)

Exposed said...

Don't knock the 25 year old virgins. I've known some great, straight, late bloomers!

Peter said...

One guy I dated was later arrested for stealing lunch meat and a forty.

I love this. however, I am not sure which item I find funnier.

And I've really given it some thought.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Oh Peter, I wish I found it as funny as you do. lol.

d said...

I am still in love with Prince William. We are getting married. I am going to be a princess and wear Gucci all day long.

You always are in love with barristas? I am always in love with bartenders. Interesting.

DeWitz said...

I kind of admire you for how many dates you been on..

Oh and I like #11-

"30. I used to think I loved Prince William, until he didn't grow into his teeth."
^^^Pure comedy^^^

Anonymous said...

There's girls...and then there's Chelsea.
I think that's a compliment. enjoy it while it lasts girl. time takes a toll on things so enjoy the youth. enjoy the fact that you are on unchartered territory of your life's journey you don't know where you might be and it's exciting. or who you will be with.
in hindsight it's not all that exciting. not to put a damper on your life but seriously, enjoy, have fun with the days you are single even though i know they can be hard. and lonely.

am. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

my best valentines day included me spending $190 to have my boyfriends favorite pizza overnighted from Indiana to Florida... He gave me a card and 100 in cash in it. YAY! ME!

we are not together anymore.