Monday, May 5, 2008

The Travel Channel wants me to elope with him.

I would like to be sitting in Verona, Italy eating polenta and cheese, with a bottle of red wine, after a nice breast rub on the statue of Juliet full of wishes for "luck in love".... but instead, I am sitting in my apartment, eating hard-boiled eggs, watching that smug Samantha Brown drink in (sometimes literally) the country of Italy, and I'm tempted to buy a one way ticket on my credit card, right now- so I can go join her, or strangle her for being such a tease.

Hard boiled eggs aren't usually my meal of choice but it was either that or hundred calorie rice krispie treats, since that's all I have right now. Whoa, yeah. and almonds....the least I can hope for is that I lose a few pounds, since I keep obsessing over how my inner thighs are looking " a bit fat." And due to my thigh irritation I want to bake a cake? My mind is such a bitch, if she were a person I would trip her on the street.

Due to some financial restraints, I haven't been able to go and gallivant about NYC like usual, instead I have resulted to hibernating and daydreaming about far off lands, while doing the occasional wind sprint from my couch to my bedroom ( a solid 3 feet) to keep the flow of blood going. And to keep my ass from getting flat. I am convinced, flat asses are the derivative of sitting in front of a computer and I pride myself on my ass and it's bubbliness. Bubbliness?

Today Samantha Brown has taken me to Milan, nice place, good people, Prada :) and Verona where she is now eating some liquor filled sponge cake...which sounds like something I would choose to live on if I ever had to choose one meal for the rest of my life. A couple months ago when I was on a "trip" with Sam (I feel like I know her well enough to call her Sam, maybe Sammy?) I was so inspired to flee to Europe that I created a ridiculously in depth itinerary of my trip. A trip, I couldn't afford and had NO PLANS on taking.
I saved this itinerary in a Word document, so it could marinate and someday "attract" the bank account, opportunity and.... maybe my own camera crew, with major network funding so that the trip could be made possible.

I create lists and collages of things that I want to attract into my life, with the same conviction behind them as a nun with a rosary. My lists are my version of a prayer candle. My lists are my visualization and my mental image held at my third eye and all the New Age loveliness. I make my attempts to live "The Secret." And in turn "The Secret" has given me hard-boiled eggs and Passport To Europe marathons. The Secret made sure I had cable in my new "home."

So here's a taste (mind you I did this for EVERY COUNTRY) of my itinerary, I'm just putting it out, ya know....come back to me? Like attracts like? Energy attracts more of them same? and all the vibeology jargon.
Amsterdam, Netherlands:
Ride the old fashioned bike. And pick fresh tulips.
Meet friends in the “Brown Cafes” Not just the Dutch, but people from all over, artists, businessmen, travelers, interesting conversations and great beer. CHEERS.
Pay tribute to Anne Frank.
Tour the read light district
Enjoy that weed is legal, and try it in the form of cake ;)
Eat Gouda and Broodje’s two of Amsterdam’s favorites. Take pictures.
Make a toast with random locals with some Absinthe.

Stockholm, Sweden!
Music Music Music. Sit outside any of the squares and enjoy a music festival.
Make out with a hot band member of the Swedish band. Preferably a drummer.
Visit a Viking warship!
Try Swedish meatballs.
Take a morning run through the city.
Check out the Rival Hotel, all the while singing an ABBA song.
Absolut icebar! Shots!
Swedish massage.
If time permits, take a hot air balloon ride and feel like Dorothy saying goodbye to Oz.

Athens, Greece.
Greek food, Greek dessert.
Wear gold, and white this whole trip.
Go sailing. Live for the sun, and find the name of your inner Greek goddess.
Visit the Parthenon.
Meet the locals in Plaka and Kolonaki square, watch the sun come up.
Go to Cine Paris, rooftop watch the stars and a vintage Greek film.
Greek folk dance!! Dance dance dance!

Where would you go on your imaginary vacation and what would you do???


well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

Imaginary vacation destination:


Go diving in Sardinia.
Drink endless amounts of wine in a field in Tuscany.
Dance in the streets with Italian men.
Go hiking & climbing in the Gran Paridiso National Park - enjoy the wildlife.
Dress up and go to the Venice Carnival.
Spend time in the Italian Riviera - go to the street market Mercato Orientale and the Staglieno Cemetary.
Bask in the sun, on the most beautiful beaches and go to underground clubs.

.. But I totally haven't been planning this or anything ;)

Julie said...

"My mind is such a bitch, if she were a person I would trip her on the street."

That line is classic. Seriously, fantastic. I <3 your blog.

Katelin said...

Oh man I so have been wanting to up and go travel every day it seems like. I would go to Switzerland and visit my family there. Have lots of chocolate. Look at the alps. And then I would head to Italy and do everything conceivably possibly in that country. Ah. If only.

Tonya said...

I'm so jealous of Samantha Brown. Just how in the hell did she score such an amazing gig?

I'll take your Greece and raise you a trip to Argentina/Australia/Fiji/and Ireland...for now. I'm sure I could name more places. My goals for each would all be the same. Eat. Play. Enjoy.

Anonymous said...

I've been working in an office job (ie sitting in front of a computer 40 hours/week) for 6 years and my ass is still round! I don't think I could have a flat ass if I tried.

My dream vacation would be Australia. I've wanted to go there for so long...and I love the Aussie accents!!

kolls said...

Right at this moment? California or the UK. Le SIGH.

Also - totally understand about the dieting=wanting cake. I'm desperately trying to drop a few before summer, yet all I want to do is dive face-first into a vat of cookie dough.

Anonymous said...

Right now I just want to go somewhere tropical and just be.

For me, the best vacations were determined by how good the company was. Going camping with my boyfriend was always my favorite thing. I gotta get me a new boyfriend, stat.

California Girl said...

Hey, I totally agree with putting things out into the universe if you want them. It's all about energy flow, after all :)

My vacation destination(s) is/are:

-Italy (again, because I've been there and it's freaking awesome)
-Greek Islands

Ivonne said...

My dream vacation is going to every. single. part of Italy. I want to travel up and down the boot until there's nothing left to see. Then, I'd go to Austria.

Anonymous said...

Absinthe is some gross stuff, though it is a pretty blue color.

On my imagination vacation I'd walk around Thailand with my roomie and smile at everyone I see.

Anonymous said...

Bubbly ass - what a wonderful phrase Wonderful post :-)

If you ever do travel and come to Ireland drop me a line. I can do the tour guide thing for ya :-)

SLynnRo said...

Can I just say I want to hit Samantha Brown? WHY HER? WHY NOT ME?

THE B.O.P. said...

Top three places currently on the list

1. Iceland - visit the happiest country on earth and go skinny dipping in one of the thousand geothermic hot springs.

2. Figi - It's so far away that it almost doesn't seem to exist litterally the other side of the world.

3. Chile - Fly to chile and then rent a car and rode trip from the northern most state to the southern tip.

Erin said...

I would go to Fiji, and spend my time surfing, snorkeling and scuba diving. It might be the kind of vacation I would never come home from!

Anonymous said...

wow, your trips sound amazing... although i havent put quite the thought into mine as you have i would always like to go to Greece, Ireland, Australia, Fiji, and Im sure there are more!

Also, I think the line, "My mind is a bitch, if she were a person I would trip here on the street." is one of the best lines I have heard in a long time!

nicole antoinette said...

Sometimes I love the travel channel and sometimes I HATE it, because of how it makes me want every life but my own life. Sigh.

I would go back to both Italy and Greece, for sure, since I was young when I went and didn't fully appreciate either trip.

I'd also go to Costa Rica. Stat.

We should travel together somewhere!!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

nicoleantoinette- I'M DOWN. I'M EMAILING YOU LATER TO TALK ABOUT THIS......I'm, very. serious. lol.

Renee said...

I spent a semester abroad in Rome and ACHE to return. When I was there, I backpacked for 2.5 weeks and visited Vienna, Paris, Munich, Cologne, Brussels, London, and Dublin. There's still so much I haven't seen. I need at least 2 more months to see the Europe I want to see.

Anonymous said...

I'd go back to UAE and see my old stomping grounds.
Revisit Turkiye, where people are awesome.
Camp out on the Great Wall of China.
Visit the bazaars of Cairo and the pyramids.
Hug my relatives in Pakistan.
Italy of course.
And any place that has those beautiful cottages where flower baskets are always hanging out.
I'd love to walk through streets of France. Not done much Europe stuff....
And Australia, since my BFF lives there and I'm trying to get her to be in the US. But the trip would be a bear. As long as I can see a kangaroo...i'm good.
I love the Aussie accent myself. I cut out pictures of rooms in magazines bc i like them so in my future fantasy home, i can have something to point to and say Be...and It is! ha.

Larissa said...

People who blog about their vacations (real and imaginary) make me seriously consider packing my bags and leaving for a spontaneous Europe trip. If only I had the guts...

Anonymous said...

You must also go do the "Heineken Experience" and go to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam, both are awesome in very different ways! :)

Prixie said...

once the travel bug bites, thats it - there is no turning back!

Brunhilda said...

In my fantasy vacation I spend a week in Greece--a couple of days frolicking around Athens and then a couple of days on Santorini, checking out the beach and being generally mellow, possibly finding a bike to ride around. Then I'd spend a week touring around Sicily.

Oh wait, that's what I'm doing starting on Thursday!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

sequined- I AM SO. JEALOUS. HAVE FUN!!!!!!

Jess said...

I would go to Asia! Japan, Thailand, China... and to be honest it would probably be mostly about the food. But not entirely!

Ace said...

I've actually been on a mental vacation to alternatly Costa Rica and London pretty much for the past few years.

Chele said...

Sweden is just like what you described. you also need to go jeans shopping, Sweden got the best jeans in the their bernaise sauce. it is sooo good, they put it on pizza. Soo good.

Dolce said...

Aw. To travel. I wish someday (soon) I'll be back on a plane to Italy. I fell in love with my husband there, I swear it's magical.

JulieGong said...

sometimes i want to punch samantha brown in the face because she has the most perfect job in the world.

Anonymous said...

gah! samantha brown.
I was home sick from work one day and on that particular day the travel channel was airing all the cruises she'd ever taken. she went to Italy, France, Costa Rica, Greece....she got massages (I know she doesn't buy those out of pocket!) she rented the eurpoean version of a jeep to drive up the greek mountains. i decided i was better off being at work and got off the couch...

*still mumbling about samantha brown...*

Melissa Maris said...

Love that you do the collages! I totally believe that stuff works. Just keep daydreaming and staying positive and it'll all fall into place. Maybe there's a travel writing career in your future...

Unknown said...

Explore my family. My heritage. Learn about where I'm from.

Enjoy the rich food, the glamour and the romance.

The wine. The art. The sun.

MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

omigod, if you go take me with you, please. Yeah my brain keeps talking shit about my thighs too, but we took that bitch out...

Ohmygoshi said...


Rome - for sure. Especially in June, when they have the summer festival down by the river. And the monuments at night in all their glory...makes me want to be there right now!

I'd also go to Greece. The Parthenon, the gorgeous water, the white buildings built into the side of mountains...

Ahh...if only!

Sarah said...

I hate Samantha Brown. She has the best job in the world. How in the world did she manage to get that job?

I'm going to Milan next weekend and can't wait!

Become an Expat!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...


Lexilooo said...

I totally want to be Samantha Brown!

I spent six months in Luxembourg and then two years in Poland and there are still so many places that I didn't get to see!

Currently, I'm obsessed with Albania, Croatia and Iceland...yes, they have SO much in common...ha. I wrote a Masters thesis about Iceland and desperately want to go there, but it is insanely, someday!

Marcheline said...

I've already been on my fantasy vacation, but I want to go back... to Scotland!

What I really fantasize about is being given a wiffleball bat and half an hour of free shots at Samantha Brown's stupid almond-head. She annoys the bejeebers outta me.

Give me Anthony Bourdain any day of the week for a great travel show!

Jaime Randle said...

Umm hiiiii... if you visit Amsterdam, let's be BFF. I moved from NY to Haarlem (no, not THAT Harlem... 15 mins from Amsterdam, silly.) a month ago and I have done almost all of the things on your list... I'll get to the rest soon enough. Thanks for the add on 20-something ;) I think I'm going to enjoy your blog! xx