Friday, May 16, 2008

The Truth of the matter is.....

I look very writerly today. I've been wearing my hair in a bun more often than any twentysomething should, and I haven't transitioned into "spring clothes" yet. Basically, I look like I emerged out of a cave at all hours of the day. I look like someone who got stranded in their car for a week and ate Cheerios that were crushed in their seat cushions. I look like a librarian?

It's pouring rain outside which usually makes me feel rejuvenated, but today I'm realizing that this sedentary writing stuff is making me very weak. I have to get up and do a "2 minute power boost!!!!" Which involves a lot of jumping jacks and lunges. I really want to be skipping through the streets like Gene Kelly and then sit in a cafe and contemplate the meaning of love. Life is already a mystery I've accepted, the mystery of love on the other hand, I refuse to accept. Accepting it is like saying you're willing to leave every first date saying, "What the fuck just happened? Is this my fate? I knew I should've joined a convent during my 'religious phase.'"

I'd also like to confess that I've been living off of Red Bull, rice cakes, peanut butter and chicklets. Like the gum. I'm out of eggs, so now my diet is all effed up. Now I know that none of the above are anywhere in any sort of food chain, and this is probably why I look like a character from Sweeney Todd today. So I'm getting on a plane back to L.A. again for work and am sufficiently malnourished and all I really want to do today, is go hang out with my little sister. Fly to CO, take her to a movie, find the bitch who threw a bottle at her at school and busted her lip and pull her pigtails out of her head, then bake a nice batch of cookies.

My friends think that the things I do are exciting when all I really want to do is drink a beer at a pub with my uncles and my Daddy. You may not know, that though I look crazy independent, I call my Mother at least ten times a day. You may think that I look self sufficient but I have to call my Dad to have him "calm me down" when I'm about to have a "flip out" which has an uncanny resemblance to Tom Cruise's flip out in Jerry Mcguire. Everyone says that I'm not "that girl that has lots of boyfriends cause I'm picky" but the truth is, every time I meet a man I'm considering whether or not he's good boyfriend material. More often than not, I settle on yes and he settles on someone else. I may look stable but when I read a posting on Craigslist about a guy who needed a "no expectation date" on a wedding and would pay $500, I seriously considered and had to call my best friend so she could tell me I had hit a new low.

The truth of the matter is this: I miss my family. I don't even really like Red Bull. I crave milkshakes and fried food more than any human ever should. I have a crush on everyone, but I don't really want anyone. I've been procrastinating and daydreaming for hours at a time, time has been a black hole lately. I've been listening to Usher? I have a crush on someone for real, that I'll never be able to date. I wish I wasn't questioning all of my usual hippie ways. I think I should have been the next Bachelorette. I still think about him. I chew a lot of gum to forget how hungry I am. It's still not right. When I'm in the moment, I snap out of it and realize I can't be in that moment forever, or.....I may look like and feel like Sweeney Todd forever.

What's the truth for you?


JanelleGrace said...

I'm not sure what my truth is. I'm not even sure to begin but I am sure it would sound very sappy and also very harsh at the same time. Something like my boyfriend is the most important person in my life while the only person in my family that I talk to more than twice a year is my older sister, who let me live with her from 15-18 and I am eternally grateful for that and that probably saved my life, made me the awesome person I am today, and led me to where I am now.

And despite not having a crazy, adventurous life like yours or not being rich (or really having any money besides money for rent, food, and bills), I wouldn't give it up.

So well, we don't know each other, but if you ever want to come to Brooklyn and have a $8 pitcher of beer, I'll see you there.

And go ahead and delete this crazy, self-indulgent, pithy little comment.

TKTC said...

My truth sounds remarkably like yours if you sub Red Bull out for milk. I've gone through a gallon in 4 days...what is wrong with me?! I hear you particularly on the malaise settling in. I'm blaming it on a late season transition but I can't bring myself to make use of my time. No dishes. No laundry. No gym. Not even Netflix. Just the internet and writing things that are unfit for print. And missing my family too.

But because you spelled your truth out so eloquently, I need to say something that I haven't acknowledged enough. I get pretty excited when you post. I see it in my Reader and I go right to it and out of 120 blogs to follow, I only do that with about 5. So thanks.

A Margarita said...

My truth? I'm not entirely sure. I crush on boys a lot too, but I don't take any of them really seriously. I still think about that one boy and worry no one will ever measure up.

Anyways, there's nothing wrong with Sweeney Todd. I kind of dig the look, actually.

robin ann mcintosh said...

My truth is: I am my own problem. And I am my own solution.

Or at least that's what I have been realizing lately.

Another truth: I like to smoke cigarettes and flip through Domino magazine while waiting for my face mask to dry - so 1950's!

Lauren said...

I really like this post. I like it because in general everyone always has this exterior facade but when it comes down to it, you don't really know what/who they are. It's nice knowing the truths every once in a while.

The truth for me? I feel confined. I wish to break freak and do something different/amazing/daring just to feel alive. I want to move, but I'm afraid to. I want to pursue writing more diligently but I suffer from writers block (which is a nice mixture of lack of inspiration and desire to watch movies instead of writing.) And the truth is still...I terribly miss my ex boyfriend. Ugh. Don't we all sometimes?

Also--I LOVE milkshakes.

megabrooke said...

Ohhh... I loved this. So much.

The truth for me, right now? Is that there's too much clutter in my life. Stuff is taking up too much space in my mind, heart, closet, bedroom floor, and desk at work. And I cant seem to find my way out from under it.

Also, the truth is, sometimes I feel really stuck.

Tonya said...

My truth is that even though I'm in my late (cough) 30's, I still care too much about what people think of me. I still feel like the fat, ugly, big-permed high school girl who was teased and never got a date. I still worry about feeling rejected like I did back then..or that friends don't like me. I wish I was above that. But I'm not.

Anonymous said...

my truth is that i always have been and always will be my worst enemy. i'm sure a lot of people share this truth.

alexa @clevelandsaplum said...

sounds like your in a bit of a funk. but then again who isn't.

i recommend vitamin D, but the kind of vitamin D you get in naturally from the sun.

seriously it helps go lay on the beach for a day in LA if you can.

and for me? truth is i'm always looking for something. i think i know what it is i just wish i would find it. because if i don't soon, i'm outta here. (moving that is)

Bayjb said...

I say I'm crazy independent but actually, I call my dad daily to help "take care of things" or "talk me down." No shame in that.

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

My truth is that I feel trapped. I feel trapped between the lives my friends live, that didn't go to college, or have already completed their degrees, and the life I'm living - going to school, volunteering, doing internships, working full time.

I feel like I'm in such a different place than them, and feel like I'm missing opportunities to advance in MY career, because I spend so much of my time partying with girls & boys who don't have to worry about homework, internships, etc.
I've always loved being the youngest in my group of friends.. But the smack in the face of the real world that has already hit them, it is just hitting me now.

My truth is keeping up with two lives is tough.

Trixie Firecracker said...

You sound just like me, except I'm not a writer.

Melissa Maris said...

You sound completely normal to me.

Marcheline said...

My truth is that I actually find Johnny Depp AND Helena Bonham Carter sexy in that picture.

I crush on Edward Scissorhands, Peter Steele from Type O Negative, and Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. (Yes, even though he's an animated figurine.)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Janellegrace- I'd LOVE to, because the truth is: I'm very. very. lonely in NYC.

tokissthecook- Thank you so so much, i REALLY APPRECIATE IT, you have no idea...I never know if people are readig but I keep writing anyway and It makes me happy to know when people are excited to read, thank you. I love your blog as well, truthfully :)

alittlebird- The thruth is that I also like to smoke cigarettes and I need to calm down with that, since ya know- I do want to be a singer.

Lauren- THANKYOU and I TOO have writers block. ALL. THE. TIME.

Brookem- is it bad that I always feel stuck??

surffrgrl- The truth is that I TOO, feel like I'm my 12 year old awkward skinny/fat with glasses, oily skin and flat hair. I truthfully wonder what people think about me ALL THE TIME and I cant bear the idea that they may think nothing at all. I say I dont care what people think, but TRUTHFULLY- I am very insecure.

Nico- I know I share that one as well.

Alexa- one time someone asked if I could sum up my personality in ONE WORD what would it be...and I said, "seeker" would be my title of ME. And then I realized that constantly seeking isn't actually as good of thing as I thought it I understand your truth as well. and yes, the BEACH would be LOVELY. I should MAKE time.

bayjb- I love my daddy.

wellintetnioned heartbreaker- I can understand this, I didn't go to "Real college" so instead of PLAYING I actually had to act as If I was 30 when I was 17. RIGHT AWAY, So I often feel so old and only relate to older people and wish that I could actually feel less pressure and feel the carefree ways that MOST of the people my age feel.

trixie firecracker- I'm not either lol. well. I am. but. I'm not.

me heth- The TRUTH IS that this POST WAS VERY INCOMPLETELE. Had I taken the time to write the REAL TRUTH....I would have terrified EVERYONE. SO I'm going to save that for a later date ;)

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

marcheline- TRUTHFULLY....Johnny Depp could ask me to marry him dressed like Sweeney todd and live the LIFE of sweeney todd and STILL. I would want his body.

Anonymous said...

I love this post. I feel like it rings so true for 20somethings everywhere - the way we present ourselves isn't necessarily who we are, maybe partly because we're still figuring that out and maybe just cause we don't want to present the mess that we really are to the world.

Anyway, I can relate, I love how you wrote it, and that's all I wanted to say. :)

Alexis said...

The truth is doubts often start screaming in my head, even though I start getting a little insecure that he'll be the one to leave. Because I don't like everything about myself and get scared that he's going to get sick of me.

The truth is I have a lot of unfinished things surrounding me and a prominent lack of direction. I say I don't really know what I'm passionate about, but deep down I do and it just scares me when I don't know how I want to use it let alone run after it. And that fear is also there because if it doesn't work out...well...that will go beyond "disappointment." But still, my heart aches for it and gets a bit jealous when I see others doing it.

The truth is trying to be patient on the road to having my own family (husband and kids) is really, really hard. Because I really want to get married and have babies and fill our home with music and all sorts of creativity...and fun and love.

That's the truth. :)

I love your honesty, Chelsea. I always read your entries and leave wanting to be able to grab some coffee (or a bottle of wine) with you and talk until throats get scratchy.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

jesslovesnyc- thank you :)

Alexis-and thank you for your hoensty as well...I can relate very much. Wine, coffee? talking? someday I would love to do that :)

Auburn Kat said...

I always say that saying!

Currently, the truth of the matter is I am ok without having a man in my life!

Sara Jane said...

I love this!

My truth is that I don't want to admit the truth. Ugh.

Other Truth: As much as I love Grey Goose and water, it's been getting me in quite a bit of trouble lately.

Keep your chin up! Switch to spring clothing, kick the red bull, get a spray tan, go to McDonalds and get a kids meal-it's all about moderation, and keep writing. It will all help.

Anonymous said...

I know you are busy and have a ton of readers but I just wanted to let you know I moved my blog.

Formerly 128blog is now

My truth is that sometimes I think I am doing the wrong thing by leaving my relationship of 12 years to soil my wild oats so to speak.

Charmed said...

My truth (and a very recent realization at that) is that chasing your dream just might be the same as living your dream. I'm learning to enjoy the journey. It's scary, it's lovely, it's lonely. It's the days of red bull, cigarettes, hard boiled eggs, and a very hopeful eye on tomorrow.

nicole antoinette said...

I just finished What the Bleep Do We Know and am too in it to write anything coherent. So I'll just say "wow" about the movie and "yes!" to how excited I am to meet you this week!


Anonymous said...

The truth is that I wish I had a different life.

But I am very happy about the fact that in this one, I can run out of groceries and get not only pizza delivered, but BEER.

JUST ME said...

The truth is, I don't think I could find a more awesome date to weird medicinal marijuana benefits than you.

Karen said...

Very eloquent and honest (though, that was the point - so congratulations because you nailed it!). What makes us human and beautiful and wonderfully imperfect are these unique idiosyncracies. And you can either hate these things about yourself, or just try to learn to accept them. I think you sound totally fabulous and normal.

Karen said...

And, one more thing - I sometimes have to hang out at your blog for a long time just to listen to music. You have so many of my favorite songs on your playlist. So thanks for the good words and the good music.

MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

diet shmiet. girl get active and add something more less card board tasting to your diet. gum is for smokers. boo. what s wrong with usher? besides the fact that he married a drag queen...

librarian can be hot. work it out.


JanelleGrace said...

I mean it, I know how it is being in a new place. (And total shameless-ness, if you are bored between 7-9 today, go to the Cafe Wha)

Kim said...

My truth- I settle, when I know I can do better and can have better. I'm not happy with where I am in my life, and though I do wear my happy mask beautifully... and my retail smile never cracks. I would love to know what it was like to be truly completely happy. You know? Almost to the state of utter bliss. Just one time.

Lovely post. :-)

Anonymous said...

Right there with ya, hon. :)

Katelin said...

the truth for me right now is that i can't wait to move out, seriously i wish i could do it tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

This is (I think) my first time stopping by your site, and I've just gotta say that I really love this. It's cool to stop on a blog and find a writer who is just completely honest and open when writing. I'll definitely be back!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

Just me- you were the BEST DATE EVER. EVER. Kurt loddderrrrr

janellegrace- I'm out of town!!! or I would've been there!!! rain check?

Kim- yes, I do know.

sandy- Thank you for stopping by!! I really appreciate it, please do come back ;)

Steph said...

I totally know what you mean about having a crush on everyone! I "fall in love" almost daily. But at least now I've learned not to day dream about our future together and assume he is all these things that he is not, hahahaha...My truth is that I have been single for 10 months, and I pretend like I don't care but a part of me cares.

Unknown said...

the truth is... i totally want to be a librarian

.... and of course i want to bang RDJ(robert downy jr)


Jessica Claire said...

My truth: I sound so busy and yes I am occassionally living at a hectic space, but sometimes I am so fucking bored

the lockeness monster said...

My truth is that I now feel suffocated living in NYC, but I feel guilty about that.
Whenever I tell anyone that I want to leave, they look at me like I'm crazy because THIS IS THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD.

I'm over it. All I want is some space.

Anonymous said...

My truth is that I'm tired of just "being." I want to feel alive, to live on the edge, and not have to plan every moment of my life. The truth is that these daily neck pains are indicative of the fact that my job stresses me the fuck out. The truth is that I think about chocolate more than I think about sex. The truth is that, I briefly considered never coming back from NYC because for the first time, I felt really truly alive and HERE, while I was there.

Princess Pointful said...

The truth is that I want to call up my ex and scream at him for degenerating into an utter douchebag and losing all his principles and getting back together with a girl 10 years younger who is very potentially stalking me. However, everyone thinks that if I care I must **care**, which I don't, because I would never get back together with him. I just like to pretend he's a decent human being.

How's that?