Monday, August 18, 2008

If I were an OLYMPIC Correspondent.......

.....some of you may have some unanswered questions about the Olympics, I know I do.

Anytime I watch the interviews I remain completely unfulfilled, if only they had hired'd all know the answers to these questions:

Michael Phelps: "When you travel at such high speeds, is it possible that your schlong or maybe a ball could just, slip out? If so, does this footage exist anywhere, possibly YouTube? Also, I'll be your eating partner, then after, we can procreate....just say the word."

"What planet are you from?"....

"Do you think your ears double as fins?"

One more thing before you go, "Can I touch your manspace?"

The American Olympic Gymnastics team: "Do you have to grow a crazy long bush before the the Olympics in order to get a flawless waxing and maintain such an impeccably smooth bikini line? Or is that shit lasered off?"

Chinese Gymnasts: "Wow, you had an incredible performance out there. Now, did they let you bring in a sippi-cup?"

-"So, how are you celebrating all your gold medals, group trip to Build-A-Bear??!"

-"Hannah Montana called, she says 'thanks for all the fan mail."

Libby Trickett the Australian swimmer: "Tell me the truth, are you a mermaid?"

All Gymnasts: "What's the deal with the Scrunchie? Have you all missed the Sex and the City episode in regards to the scrunchie.....oh! Did you forget to take it off when you washed your face?!"

-"Do you ever think about quitting cause the chalk just feels so strange? That's what I did.....when I was seven, I couldn't handle it, ya know?"

Jamaican runners: " Would you mind chasing me? I'm in dire need of a good cardio work out and you bitches are scary."

Nastia Liukin: "What's it like to get robbed by a 12 year old, if she weren't twelve would you trip her when no one was looking or just teach her lesson in honesty?"

Bela Karolyi: "Can I hire you to be my personal cheerleader? Ya know, to fight for my cause...and argue why I'm always the best, always. Oh and to throw in when I don't "win", that it was a "reep offff."

Pole Vaulting women: "Do you double as models for Self Magazine? Please say yes....I'll feel so much skinnier and normal, since I'm not an Olympian."

Olympic baseball teams: "Are you as excited as I am that they're dropping baseball? It's just not the same without the hot dogs."

All around questions, " Which Olympians are bangin' the boots in the Olympic Village after their events?"

-"Since McDonald's is the official restaurant of the Olympics, do you get unlimited Big Macs and Mcflurrys?"
-"What's it like to have "sponsers?" Will you be my sponser, we can just deposit works just fine for me."


Tonya said...

lol!! best question: "Do you have to grow a crazy long bush before the the Olympics in order to get a flawless waxing and maintain such an impeccably smooth bikini line? Or is that shit lasered off?"

To all Olympians who are NOT Micheal Phelps: Are you sick of hearing the words, Micheal Phelps?

To Nastia: Your full name is Anastasia...why in god's name did you pick Nastia for short?

To Shawn: You look so nice out there...are you really thinking, "bitches...I want to take you down!" (especially you eight-year-olds)

To all women's volleyball players: How is it possible that you do not have an ounce of cellulite on your ass? Not one. hate you!

Ohmygoshi said...

hahahaha. what a great post!

To the entire Team USA: "What's it like to be completely overshadowed by Michael Phelps?"

To Aaron Piersol: "Marry me...please?"

To the IOC: "what are the qualifications for Air Gun Shooting? I'm pretty sure I could make it..."
"Trampoline?...really now? C'mon..."

To Debbie Phelps: "Did it hurt when Michael did dolphin kicks in utero?"

Anonymous said...

LOL, you are right on. Especially about Michael Phelps. *drool*

Anonymous said...

I'm trying not to fall in love with Phelps. Really, I am.

To the Chinese gymnastics team:
"Who did your make-up? Because, seriously, I think you need to hire someone else."

To Rebecca Adlington:
"Er... I have no question. I just frickin' love you."

To all Team GB's cyclists:
"How? And why? It makes me nervous that you're so good."

To Rebecca Romaro:
"What's it like to medal in 2 Olympic games at 2 different sports (rowing and cycling)? Are you a freak of nature?"

Ben said...

Soooo good. I'm glad you were honest enough with yourself to straight-up proposition the Phelps. Had you not, I would have been ashamed of you.

megabrooke said...

hahaha! i ALWAYS think about the scrunchie thing too! i just dont get it. it's wrong on all levels.

what would i ask? firstly, "what is ryan lochte's room number?" and secondly, "does the men's swim team need a personal towel girl?"

Z said...

LOVE all the questions!

alexa @clevelandsaplum said...

well isn't this just hilarious. i want to know who is bumping gold medals in the village as well.

i also want to know if when michael phelps has sex if he acts out any swim strokes. like does he dive off the dresser onto the water bed and pump out a butterfly?

Sara Jane said...

You are so cute. I loved this. I've been wondering the same thing about the gymnastics bikini wax and scrunchie situation.

Ryan Lotche: I don't care about Michael Phelps or gold medals. Forget Brookem and her towels! Lets run away together.

US Swimmers: Why do you shave your bodies, but not take out your earrings?

Womens sand volleyball: Can I please have a copy of your booty workout?

Heather said...

I was thinking the same thing about the scrunchies...

Anonymous said...

If Michael Phelps responds to any of your questions, could you please let me know?

This was a hilarious post by the way :)

Camels & Chocolate said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA, you kill me, Chels!

You know the gymnasts probably don't even have to worry about the bush as they're a) 12 years old and b) really do take that medication to prevent puberty...

I second surfergrrl with the question for Nasty. Also, why is she so unpatriotic that she wore a PINK leotard during the all-around????

Anonymous said...

they DO get unlimited mcdonalds!!!

ok, they did in athens, isnt that amazing? i want a mcflurry right. now. how do i know? mild lochte stalking... mild i tell you.

hi, im delurking :)

Anonymous said...

Haha okay Chelsea, crack me the EFF up!!!!!!!!!!

"do you ears double as fins?"

hahahaha cannot.stop.laughing!

Anonymous said...

Oh, and to Shawn Johnson: "Are you aware of the fact that you totally resemble and Oompa Loompa?" lol i love her but damn she could pass for one easily..she jsut needs some orange paint!

Maxie said...

um surfer grrl's first question made me crack up. LOL

to the volleyball players--- how the HELL do your suits stay on? seriously.

Trixie Firecracker said...

"Do you have to grow a crazy long bush before the the Olympics in order to get a flawless waxing and maintain such an impeccably smooth bikini line? Or is that shit lasered off?"

HAHAHA, best question ever.

Mine is to the same people: Do you wear anything under those bright red leotards?

and for Alicia Sacremone: Who does your eye makeup? It's super pretty!

For the Chinese gymnasts: who does your eye makeup? RuPaul?

well-intentioned heartbreaker said...

perfect questions chelsea. simply perfect. you really need to get your ass and a microphone over to beijing.

Anonymous said...

I was stunned when I got in line behind a woman at work and she was wearing a scrunchie. Where do you even get a scrunchie anymore?

Anonymous said...

I loved your questions! My favorite was the one about the trip to the Build-a-Bear workshop. Hilarious.

To trampoliners: How many times have you shot yourself off of the tramp?

Michael Phelps: Do you wax your ass hair and pubes to avoid drag while racing?

Anonymous said...

I think I'd definitely ask the divers if they have any necessary plumbing, such as stomach or intestines, to qualify as human. I watched those handstand dives from the platform and those lower chests of theirs are NOT normal.

Kristabella said...

I like your Michael Phelps questions.

I would like to add "Can I touch you?" and also "Can I make out with you?" and finally "Can I be your personal PR person because dude, you need to learn how to do an interview and not keep saying 'I'm at a lost for words' over and over?"

To Aaron Peirsol: Please dump your girlfriend for me. I appreciate you much more. Trust me.

To Nastia: WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SMILE? This is why you get robbed of gold medals.

Meika said...

When did speed walking become an Olympic event? And Why did you choose speed walking, why not a short sprint?

Jen R. said...

ha ha ha oh my gosh. I have totally wondered about gymnast bikini lines too!

To every other swimmer(besides Michael Phelps): Are you annoyed that every time we interview you, we ask you about Michael Phelps, instead of about yourself?

Anonymous said...

to the gymnasts: you're already rocking a scrunchie .. so whats with the 85 butterfly clips surrounding your ponytails? ever heard of hair spray?

to the divers: why do you have such a small towel? and why do you get it wet then squeeze it out and then dry off with it? i mean how does that work?

to the rhythmic gymnasts: ribbon twirling? really? how do you take yourself seriously?

to the weight lifer who's elbow turned inside out: yea how's that going for you?

Dustin James said...

Amazing post..couldn't have said it better my self. I needed the comic relief today....thanks again.

Katelin said...

haha i love it. you should definitely be working for nbc, i would love to hear the answers to your questions.

as for my own questions:
to guy phelps beat by .01 seconds "did you just want to reach over and punch him after he beat you?"

to shawn johnson "be honest, are you and nastia really friends?"

to phelps "where are you putting all your medals? do you admire your body in the mirror every day? i mean i would if i had that body.

EP said...

Haha, I love these! Too funny! I would ask the gymnastic girls the SAME question.

Erin said...

Ha! This was hilarious!

To the Men's US Swim Team: "OK, who gives the best post-swim rubdown? I'll be the judge!"

To All of the Ladies Gymnastics Competitors: "Scrunchies?? AND Glitter?? Get thee to a stylist!"

To all of the Runners: "How badly does it piss you off when someone sticks a microphone in your face wanting to know how you feel about your race when you haven't even begun to catch your breath?"

Anonymous said...

To Michael Phelps: "Congratulations on your 8th gold metal. You literally swim like a fish! Tell me, are those gills hiding behind your ears?"

To all athletes: "Who's juicin'? C'mon, somebody's hiding some 'roids!"

Anonymous said...

hahahhaha - I want to know all of those things!!!

Ivonne said...

Haha awesome post!

To Phelps: Would you mind wearing a bag over your head when we get it on?

Anonymous said...

My question would be "Do you think you're better than me?" LoL, sometimes I'M an asshole.

Susie said...

Just realized you're the Chelsea from Guidespot...and CollegeCandy!! Yeah, we have a lot of the same writing ventures :)

Love your blog!

Brillig said...

Oh. Mygosh. I SO wish you were the Olympic correspondent! Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I think I may adopt the word "manspace" because I really can't control this silly giggle I have now.

MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

I'm pretty sure the gymnasts dont even grow hair down there. Honestly, it goes quite nicely with those misquito bites...

I havent been watching the Olympics, but if I was I nominate you to do the interviews.

The Author Of This said...

To any marathon runner "26 miles has GOT to be boring without an iPod right? I mean, what do you think about? And do you look in the shop windows to see if there are any bargains as you go past?"

Unknown said...

Oh my gosh, I was totally wondering about the gymnast-bikini line thing. Maybe they don't grow hair since they've stunted their growth.

So funny! I love all these questions. Lovee.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

AHH THE IPOD question is brilliant! As for correspondence.....I need an application damnit. Anyone out there in the internet world that can hook me up with a kick ass correspondence job?

You know you want to.

Anonymous said...

You're so great. I seriously can't think of one question now. I think you covered all the bases. :)

Unknown said...

God this made my day, week, month, etc. For someone who is suffering from sleep disorder courtesy of said Olympics, I commend you on your thrilling and rather titillating question set.

Bravo, CTS!

Anonymous said...

What's the worst thing about having sex with a chinese gymnist? getting the blood out of your clown suit.

Subway Gal said...

2 GREAT questions for the women's gymnastics team. I totally wonder that about the waxing too, but I think the answer actually has something with most of them not having gone through puberty yet (ya know the whole gymnastics stunts your development thing) and therefore not having to worry about waxing and stuff.

Re: the scrunchies. THANK YOU! I thought I was crazy when I was yelling at the TV screen to the gymnasts about this and also referencing the SATC episode about the scrunchie. Also, did you notice all those colorful barrettes in the Chinese gymnasts' hair? What was with that??

Larissa said...

I think you need to have your own talk show. Seriously.

Elan Morgan said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday:

Dolce said...

OMG I LOVED this post! I'm so glad you said it because Michael Phelps has the worst dumbo ears ever! Personally I don't get the scrunchie thing either, but hey, they're 16 (and under) and are probably only allowed to was the TBS versions.

Great questions!

Ash said...

I love these questions!!

Jules said...


I can ask an Olympian a question because my cousin just won bronze in the Men's pairs for rowing.

And what did I do after yelling with excitement at the pub while he rowed. Phoned and left a message on his cellphone saying, "you're brilliant, you may have a bronze in rowing but I've got a bronze in drinking - woooohoooo!!".

What a cock I am.

Sid said...

Man that was frigging brilliant. Guess I'd definitely be the type of athlete that gives others a lesson in honesty.

Anonymous said...

"Chinese Gymnasts: "Wow, you had an incredible performance out there. Now, did they let you bring in a sippi-cup?"

-"So, how are you celebrating all your gold medals, group trip to Build-A-Bear??!"

-"Hannah Montana called, she says 'thanks for all the fan mail.""

That was fricken hilarious! Especially the first question. And I loved the Jamaican runners' question too. I think that if we were to chase after Usain Bolt we'd die of a heart attack.

kokostiletto said...

chelsea you are effing hilarious!! I SO WANT TO KNOW WHO GETS AROUND IN THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE!!!!!!!!!!!

kokostiletto said...

by the way I love THE STREETS - awesome music choice!

anne said...

I think all the gymnasts were too busy training to notice that the scrunchie went out of style.

Alya said...

LOL these were great!

I would ask the female gymnasts/acrobats/freaks of nature: who the hell does their makeup, because it sucks. And who the hell makes their costumes, because they suck even more.

So true about the scrunchie. One word: ELASTIC.

Jaime Randle said...

Ahhhh hahaha this is hysterical. I don't have any good questions for you as I just got in from the gym and my brains fell out on the treadmill.

camille said...

you're amazing! I just thought i'd let you know that, also, I wish I could introduce you to the rest of the world that isn't following you ;D you definitely make my day shine brighter!