Thursday, November 27, 2008


Saying thank you simply isn't enough. The depth of my gratitude isn't as simple as two words, yet those two words hold so much weight, relief, validation.....and still, when I say thank you, it will never be enough. Words mean so much to me they fill me and inspire me, but when I go to say "thank you" I just hope that whether I were to say the words or not, the people I'm thankful to and the world I'm living in, would feel it through my energy, the way I operate and function, the way I give.

I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to wrap my heart around the people I love. Not my arms, my whole, entire soul. I always say too much because it's never truly enough of what I FEEL. If I can relay the energy and the bottomless love I have for my family, for my FRIENDS....I would pour gallons and gallons of complete, unconditional, enveloping, warm LOVE and my deepest gratitude.

The words "thank you" aren't enough when I want to show my parents that for the past 22 years I would have collapsed without their strength and nonjudgmental support, even when I sometimes didn't deserve it.

The words "thank you" aren't enough when my friends have taken in all of my flaws, my neurosis, my unreliability, my fickleness and they've loved me anyway.

"Thank YOU" doesn't FEEL like enough when I look at the people who have given me a hand, a dollar, a hug, a phone call.... when that little gesture was the exact thing I needed to keep going.

To all of the people who have read my blogs and followed my stories, who have reached out and proven that the world is full of people who are trying to CONNECT; of people who are just like me, of people who stumble awkwardly and manage to get making it look effortless and graceful, of people who are confused and people who are simply trying to exist in their purest form even if they feel like it's imperfect. THANK YOU.

My gratitude runs thick and strongly through every vein, every stream of energy and motion. Since "thank you" is all there is that can put a label on this feeling, then THANK YOU.

I hope that today whoevers table you're sitting at, or if you're sitting alone...whatever dinner you're eating, or drink you're sipping that all of you find a moment of gratitude and bask in it. Maybe you're waiting for a thank you or you have someone who needs to hear it, today you're allowed- you're expected to be vulnerable and open. Expressing gratitude shouldn't need a designated day, but if there's any perfect "starting place", that time is now.

Fully, unconditionally, nakedly.....I THANK YOU. Thank you for words, for life, for colors and light, for bagels and cream cheese, for bunnies and crunchy snow, for lace and leather, for softness and intensity, for "yes" and "no", for "wrong" and right. For the ability to breathe and walk freely, to express and create, to make mistakes and the ability to learn from them, for free will and irresponsibility. For past and present, connection and re-connection, insecurity and perfectionism, confidence and acceptance.

For every moment, for the past 22 years until NOW....I am whole with unequivocal GRATITUDE.

"THANK YOU" because that's all there is.....


Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's not my fault, it's my birthday's fault.

Life has gotten in the way of my "virtual life." It's like I have these two, whole and complete separate worlds and when one is thriving the other is lacking. Writing and words for me are like when I really am in need of therapy, I'm writing a lot. When I'm out living and doing the things that later may require therapy, I'm writing less. Right now I'm on a steam train flying five thousand miles an hour and I've become a "yes woman."
Sure, I always say- SAY YES, and now that I've started to, I really really want to start saying NO again......saying yes means motion, motion means expectation, expectation means follow through, follow through means perfection, and perfection can equal straight EXHAUSTION. But I'm not saying it, I'm keeping the paralyzing NO out of my mouth and my mind. Drive on steam train, drive on.

My birthday is rapidly approaching, and I started to think of time and how little of it we actually have, so saying "yes" to life around me seemed appropriate....and I STILL feel like I won't have time to fit "it all" in. Music, romance (I'd like to mention that I've released the many that I was juggling and then there was one....there is one, a really great, great one.....I wish I could smile without using stupid punctuation and that'd properly express how I feel, I digress- more on that later......) career, money....and though money is waning, I am on this perfect, perfect path of MOTION. So, when my Mom busted out the "birthday book" that breaks down personality types (or flaws?) I started to worry again.....all of the things that I do to sabotage, to be indecisive, to feel lacking or restless are all to blame on my birth DAY. The truth of it is eerily similar, or as if the author sat down, dove into my brain, stalked me- then came up with "Why Nov 26th people are the way they are."


"Those born on Nov 26th display peculiarly distinctive manner
when doing most things. Hardly cut from the standard mold, those born on this
day stand apart from their fellow human beings (a little gloating-sorry). Their
ideas tend toward the philosophical and expansive, but at the same time manifest
a markedly pragmatic, down-to-earth streak. Highly focused on accomplishment and achievement, Nov 26th people nonetheless view their own creative work or
personal development as being more important than all the honors and rewards the
world has to offer. Some born on this day even come to see living itself as a
creative endeavor (absolutely) and thus deeply value the wealth of everyday
experience. Yet at the same time their minds soar with the most fanciful and
romantic of ideas.
Since it is impossible for Nov 26 people to give up either the
practical or the imaginative sides of their personality, they must attempt a
synthesis of the two. This seeming contradiction can occupy a great part of
their energy for many years, but if they can find a way to reconcile these sides
there is no end to the accomplishments they are capable of achieving. Usually
the key to this synthesis is life experience, but until this synthesis occurs
those born on this day may find themselves swinging back and forth every few
years from basically logical, pragmatic endeavors to more fanciful ones (holy
shit yes. that is me.) A measure of success may be achieved on either side of the
spectrum, but a vaguely dissatisfied feeling that part of their potential is
being wasted will persist (?!?! yep.)
For Nov 26th people, relationships with lovers can be
problematical, primarily because their individualism and love of freedom often
outweighs their needs for a permanent mate
. Many born on Nov 26th are
alternately ardent and cool, unable or unwilling to make a lasting commitment.
Usually they value friends of the same sex more highly than lovers, and are not
only more faithful to these friends but also capable of greater intimacy with
them as well. Ultimately however, they themselves are usually the ones who do
the rejecting in relationships, sometimes out of a kind of "first strike"
mentality where they sense rejection coming and act on impulse. Thus they can be
dangerous people with whom to be involved. (fucking. true.)
Needless to say, Nov 26 people can be reticent about marriage
or taking on the responsibilities of children. Those who choose to remain single
may be very unhappy from time to time going through life on their own, but feel
that this is better than getting tied down in an unalterably permanent
situation. This type of Nov 26 person likes to flaunt his/her individualism and
finds it difficult when social mores become too oppressive. Yet at the same
time, emotionally committed or not, most Nov 26 people move well in society, once
they figure out what it is they really want to to do and integrate the
disparate elements of their personalities."
So, it's written in the I completely fucked?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My Quilted Life

Yesterday I slept in until noon to avoid eating lunch and breakfast because I gorged on McDonald's at 3am after staying up late after my show downtown, drinking wine from a jug and jammin' out with new musician friends. Sleeping to not eat may sound like twisted thinking, but seriously, I'm thinking it's just smart and thrifty. What do you do if you wake up early, spend money, eat food. Or ya know, work- but I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be functional or productive before 11am, unless I'm hired to have a seat on The View....then I could manage to pony up my game.

My thoughts are going to be pieced together here, cause that's a bit how my life is right now. Piecey. Like a big 'ol quilt. There's a couple jagged pieces that need some work, then there's the plain ones that look completely unnecessary, the heinous overly flashy squares and then a few quality ones bringing the whole thing together. Even the shitty squares are needed or the whole thing would fall apart (unless I went in and replaced them with new squares, don't worry- I'm getting there) ......So here's my quilted life at the moment:

Good squares:
-I still have arms, legs, and all of my phalanges. This is a good square to build on, my body is healthy and functioning.
-Speaking of my body, I am now a certified ZUMBA instructor, which means I'm insane and should maybe considering doing a little speed before each class in order to actually have the energy to do it. Plus, my body is going to be rockin' when I add that to my schedule a few times a week.
-I'm not sure if this square is good or HYSTERICAL....I just got hired to write for a new website and my tag line (given to me off of observation?) The 20something Dating Guru ....oh yeah. You didn't read it wrong it says GURU. Now, usually this would send me into a fit of manic laughter, but back to the "good square".... currently I'm "talking" to 8 men (more than ever at one period of time, it's tempting to call myself a pimpette.....realllllyyyy tempting) and the numbers are growing. Which means my calendar is pretty full, my inbox of text messages is overflowing and thankfully, I have enough subjects to write about to seem guru-y. But the truth is, I'd like to narrow it down to one. The play is fun, but I like undivided attention, both giving and receiving. That sounded sexual, but I didn't mean for it to....You get what I mean.
-The Christmas drinks at Starbucks are back. This aids my sanity like you wouldn't believe.
- I'm singing two nights a week in a show which reminds me every time I'm there, that the music is m heart and that the stage is my home.

The Random Squares- that don't seem necessary but are:
Gossip Girl. It's sickening how much I love this show....and would like to be a writer for it. ....sick.
-Rice cakes. Look, I've talked about my love for the rice cake in previous blogs. You can fashion anything on a flavored rice cake, they're slimming and fun to eat.
-Has anyone seen the pair of purely sequined black leggings at Express?? Yeah, cause I want them.

Bad Squares:
-Still broke....but things are looking up. That songs "everyday I'm hustlin', hustlin', hustlin'..." is my Eye of Tiger song. I even look like Rocky when it plays in the background.
-The past two weeks I've woken up everyday with intense cravings for melted cheese and salt. The good part of that square is that I'm not pregnant. Just pregnant with ravenous grease love.
-Living at home with your parents while you're "in between" is a real sex-stopper. Even when you're a pimpette, asking someone to tiptoe in order to not what "Papa Bear" is not a pimp move.
-I need a manicure so bad, it looks like I clawed myself out of a hole.
-Anything past Christmas when it comes to a "life plan" is a complete mystery....right now, I'm looking forward to baking pumpkin pies, Christmas cookies, sipping eggnogs, my birthday! and attempting some sort of caroling excursion. Nothing like getting the people you love together to sing about chestnuts and reindeer.
-The worst thing is, the only thing that's really making these squares shitty...all comes down to a dollar sign. And from what happened with the economy it's very clear that one day you can have millions, the next day you have why can't we stop ourselves from getting so caught up in such a fleeting thing??

There's been days when ALL I can see are the squares that need fixing, they stick out so much I've considered torching the whole thing. Sometimes when things are bad, the idea of erasing it all to make it better gives more relief than trying to fix target areas. Then there's moments, days, weeks even, when all I see are the good squares, the fucked up ones are kinda cute and bearable. So when I'm in those moments where I'm wrapped up in this horrendous quilt of doubt, fear, anger, lack, fucking aggression and discontent.... at least I have a blanket.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

You Know You're Broke When........

On the heels of such excitement over the new President elect Barack Obama, I went from SUPER HIGH ecstatic, "back to the real world, presently." My real world is definitely feeling the heat (it looks nothing like MTV's); looking for a new job, more bills than ever and I have a a feeling I'm not the only one. Here's how I know.


  1. You skip the Peppermint Latte at Starbucks because you don't want to pay the extra 60cents, instead, you still get a latte- you just chew up your Dentyne Ice gum and stick it in the cup. Tastes minty fresh!
  2. You take all of the change from the bottom of your purse and bring it to Coinstar for "drinkin' money!"
  3. You start buying things like canned corn, in bulk.
  4. You feel like splurging, so you take yourself out and buy a BIG GULP.
  5. You search through the dumpster at a movie theater for old popcorn in trash bags.
  6. Drip dry.
  7. You'd be willing to trade sexual favors for a tank of gas.
  8. Who said ketchup doesn't substitute for marinara sauce? It totally does.
  9. You used Trick-or-Treating as an opportunity to grocery shop, door-to-door.
  10. You send your little sister on a "scavenger hunt" around the neighborhood for; detergent, trash bags and tampons.
  11. You audition to model in a hair show for $50 bucks, in turn you get a Hillary Clinton cut.
  12. You go to Ladies Night at a military bar, surrounded by Republicans all for the sake of $1 wine.
  13. You thought the orange gas light was supposed to be on, for mood lighting.
  14. Suddenly getting naked for money doesn't seem like a terrible idea? 25,000 to flash my boobs? Why not.....right?
  15. You've gotten really good at hitchhiking, it's a whole new skill.
  16. You offer to babysit. ugh.
  17. You've said, "it's not moldyyyyyyy......"
  18. The Craigslist "FREE"" section is your new homepage.
  19. You're doing everything by candlelight to save a few bucks. And the planet, of course.
  20. run out of matches, so you're sitting in the dark.
  21. Your friends send out a search team, "we haven't seen her in weeks...."
  22. You're getting certified to teach a "fancier version of aerobics" to avoid selling seasonal candles at Bath and Body Works.
  23. You start going on dates with anyone who asks. What? I wanted to see a movie.
  24. You can officially add "Shot Girl" to your resume.
  25. The people at your credit card company recognize your voice when you say, "I'd like to get an extension....."
  26. Savings?
  27. You offer to help people remove their McCain/Palin bumperstickers, "1 dollar for a dollop of Goo-Gone!"
  28. You put your socks on your hands to substitute as a loofa, thus saving a trip to the Laundromat.
  29. You comfort yourself by saying, "Mo' money, mo' problems. "
  30. You steal toilet paper rolls from restaurants and shampoo from hotels. Just bring a suitcase, they'll never know.
  31. You steal people's leftovers when no one's looking. They barely touched their food, I swear.
  32. You start stapling your resume to telephone polls, any takers?
  33. You're back at home with Mom and Dad, minus the allowance.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


CHANGE: make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone transform or convert

Change.... the seasons are shifting and the leaves are falling, the weather is urging us to change attire and the whole world is waiting in anticipation for change. Sure CHANGE is Obamas campaign slogan, but whether you're voting for Obama or not, CHANGE is what our country is ready for. It's what the millions of people are outside waving flags, plastering bumper stickers and standing in line for. It's what the volunteers who have been sleeping on floors and knocking on doors of strangers, facing up to people with different beliefs are asking for.
So much of the time we wait for some EVENT; New Years, birthdays, the first of the month, to CHANGE when really, every day we have the opportunity to choose change. Maybe it's change in relationships, maybe it's the energy you roll out of bed with before you go to work.....there's little things we say, "I'd like to do that..." or "I wish I...." or "If this were different...." well change doesn't come in one BIG step then it's done, change starts small. Change starts when we decide what words we choose to say- to ourselves, to our friends, to our coworkers. Change starts when we go left instead of right, when we open our minds, when we close ourp0 mouths and decide to listen instead.

Change starts the minute we wake up, IF we choose it.

There's a lot I'd like to change; I'd like to change the way I worry and use the energy I fuel it with for something better, I'd like to change the way I obsess over the 5 mini Twix I ate and instead be glad that I could eat at all. I'd like to change the way I procrastinate returning emails, the way I suck at putting my clothes away and that my room looks like a fifteen year old girls who's obsessed with teeny boppers and graffiti? I'd like to change my diet, my dating habits and the oil in my car. The beautiful thing? I can, I can change all of that. TODAY.

The other day when I canvassed for Barack Obama, I had the privilege of seeing Michelle Obama speak and spoke about the ability we have as Americans to achieve our dreams, but only if we change. If we make education affordable so people that want to be Doctor's, teachers, artists, lawyers aren't buried in student loans when they graduate and thus have to do something other than what they dreamed in order to pay them off. So that we don't have to see our friends and family skip a visit to the doctor's office because they can't afford it and risk getting sick or six feet under thousands of dollars in debt.... (my Dr appt. the other day $200..... for a simple check up)

If we let the people around us, that are hard working people, live a better quality of life then we live in a better WORLD.

When we change the way we think about people that are different than us, that have chosen a different path, religion, sexual orientation, we live in a more accepting, PEACEFUL world. Peace isn't as complicated as we make it, and it IS attainable, if we take the steps necessary to CHANGE.

Today we are given that right as AMERICANS to make a be proud of our leader, to feel like we have voices that are being heard- so use them! GET OUT TODAY AND VOTE. PLEASE. PLEASE. It's our duty and our privilege.

Change starts somewhere, what change do YOU want to see?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

In LIMBO- minus the fiesta

When you stop talking and writing about what it is that you're feeling and thinking, its a lot easier to be completely confused about WHAT emotions you had in the first place.
It's like you lose track of where the current feelings even originated from. That is why, I am officially starting back THIS WEEK....writing, every night....I say this with the most sincere ambition. Though there may be some evenings in there when I get distracted catching up on Brothers & Sisters, over analyzing one sentence text messages, searching the fridge for a lone Fudgecicle or simply spending my time doing other things that don't involve being wrapped up in the virtual world 24/7. I'm going to try. For my own sanity really.

Right now, I'm in limbo and not the kind that involves flowery lei's, pinatas and some variation of mix CD'S that have "La Bamba" as a hidden track. That limbo is much more fun and might I add, I have quite a flexible back, so I always kick a bitches ass.... and now that I think about it....maybe the whole concept of needing a "flexible back" whether or not you're bending over backwards under a broomstick or just bending over and straining in awkward positions under a "life stick" that's invisible, but most certainly there, is really what getting through these tricky limbo-y situations is all about. Stretching out your back, so that it is indeed flexible enough until you're kicked out of the game and back to real life- which isn't always that terrible, especially if there's a terrific cheese dip and punch bowl.

Limbooooooooo.....all the flexible back talk really makes me think of sex. Sorry, my mind wandered for a moment.....

ah, sex..... we could all use a little more of it eh? Even those of you assholes who are already over indulgent- I'm not mad, just jealous. I've been's so much fun to know that when you're at the grocery store picking out avocado's or filling up the car with gas, that the lady next to you probably didn't have as much sex as you did last night and that therefor, makes you a winner. It's an inner honorary medal we give ourselves....everyone likes to medal.

Back to limbo, the non-sexual kind. Sorry, it's hard not to drift when you start throwing around terms that involve flexibility, especially when it's starting to get chilly outside and the idea of body heat instead of a fucking humming, rickety heater is so much more appealing.

I'm at that place where everything is just sort of, EH. It's there, it isn't terrible but it isn't great. There isn't anything pressing, there isn't anything just is. It's a blah neutral, which I've found usually turns into a blah grey, then a blah BLACK, then a blah "oh shit, I'm having a mental breakdown." I don't do well with earth tones when it comes to my emotions.....I prefer to describe them as sparkly yellow, golden, vibrant magenta....flaming red, whatever. Not eggshell, tan, nondescript. There is nothing worse than nondescript for an artistic personality, or maybe for any human being for that matter. Nondescript emotionally is some lack of control, a form of apathy, a plateau....nondescript emotion is like a big black hole of nothingness and feeling nothingness makes you see nothingness in your future, which thus leads you into a whole twisty cycle of "nothingness thinking" which is neither empowering or productive. That's sort of where I'm at.....

So, if I could get a swift kick in the ass with some sort of Tickle Me Pink hue I'd feel a bit better.

Work is almost nonexistent at this point, I'm on the hunt for new ventures and hunting for dough doesn't leave any space for me to hunt for adventure and I don't do well with that. Dating is....sort of there....I'd like it to be a little bit more than where it currently stands, which is also testing my patience which, I have none of. Right now I have no trips on the horizon, no auditions, no steamy evenings, not even the prospect of a one-night stand which wouldn't be long as there were no crabs involved.

Listen, I even Googled how much a Playmate gets paid if she appears in a pictorial in Playboy......yeah. Obviously that speaks volumes about where I stand financially at the moment, no one shows their goodies for free. Intentionally anyway.

So here I am, limboing under the life stick that could drop tomorrow and everything could go back to PEACHY KEEN. That's the thing, when you're under there looking up, about to fall to your knees or dislocate some disk, it feels like FOREVER.....then when you make it, it seems like nothing so you go back for another round. I'm so ready to be out from under the "stick."
No more limboing between having a lot and then having what feels like nothing.....or maybe that's exactly it; maybe this whole limbo game is really just a lesson in perspective that I need to learn, I don't have nothing I just have a different variation of something-at the moment. Maybe all this limboing is really just my own dissatisfaction with the uncertain times and daunting prospect of "normalcy" in place of fulfilling my exceptionally high personal goals and outrageous-bordering on delusional dreams.

Should I just embrace the limbo and be grateful that my knees and my lower back can still stand the strain? And HEY, we all know there isn't a game of limbo unless you're at a seriously kick ass party, or a bonfire in Hawaii.....right?