Monday, December 29, 2008

A full fruit tree??

Never go to, or within twenty minutes after reading "symptoms" of horrible, life threatening diseases- you will be positively certain that without a doubt you are carrying that disease. Googling potential illness' is a way to make any person insane.

It's usually right when everything starts to look shiny and happy that I worry I've "settled into my shoes" a bit too easily. Henceforth; strange ailments, panic attacks, long standing colds and frequent "freak out" moments that involve irrational tears and short breathing. This entire cycle sends me straight to GOOGLE. Then to ease my worry after I've convinced myself that I have "numbness of the hands" frequently and am certainly having a stroke, I start googling "QUOTES ON LIFE" to counter balance my irrational fears and blanket them with a nice soothing quote like,

"Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it."

This particular one I was transfixed on for an hour or so while I over analyzed the "fruits" of my life and whether or not there were enough, meaning how much action have I taken, should I take more? Is the fruit limitless? Do I have a full fruit tree? Or is there just a lonely little pear sitting looking for it's other pear friends and afraid of falling soon because it is getting a bit ripe...? The "pear" is obviously my current opportunities and life, if we're comparing actions to fruit I would HOPE that my tree was full of all sorts of exciting fruits. An abundant fruit tree.

Since I'm currently back in my home town, living back with my parents (to reverse the silly amount of debt I was willing to put on myself so that I could eat more pastries than necessary while in Europe) I've started to question where I'm at, both mentally and geographically.

What is it that fuels me? What excites me? Am I going to run this circular marathon of happiness/unhappiness, contentment/discontentment forever? Is that what I think I need to see in my life in order to feel like it's "going somewhere." The lulls mean that when you get back up you rise ABOVE them, right?

Strangely enough, I'm not actually calendar is booked full of upcoming shows- finally MY music, my voice and I have an incredible social life, great friends and a great man....yes, there's still this huge chunk of my consciousness that needs to see MOTION. That still compares everything to her life/experiences in New York or Los Angeles and then when I tell myself I'm settled in Denver, I swear- I have instant hives. Even though, I do love Denver. When I don't see any sort of travel, change in pace (this almost always means physical movement to a different spot on the map) or anything out of the ordinary; experiences, jobs, people, etc. (and I realize that NO, my life isn't ordinary at all, but I have a fear that it will become that way.....) I get antsy.....really antsy. Thus, I stare at my fruit tree and wonder how in the HELL I can fill it up just a little bit more.

During my "Google" frenzy, I came across this one:

-Nelson Mandela

I believe I am capable of living the most extraordinary life- always, continuously bettering my life and experience (starting by accepting music as a main focus in my life and accepting loving relationships, this is a damn good start) so when you SEE and truly believe in the ability to live a life of greatness, to settle would be a shame. So seek the "fruit" I shall.....



Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hi, my name is Chelsea Talks Smack and I used to be a serious blogger......

until, I got a boyfriend.

Oh shit. And then- what happens to CTS? She starts worrying about what color underwear she wore yesterday so that she isn't wearing hot pink two days in a row. They're not observent enough to recognize that they're different shades of hot pink.
Chelsea Talks Smack B.B. (before boyfriend) was likely to get online and jabber about failed dates, or potential dates with d.bags who she was projecting to be better men than they ACTUALLY were, so avoid drinking herself into sad-single-girl-oblivion. That's an actual place if you didn't know, and it's an oblivion that requires a special invitation.....and truthfully, it's not a party I'd like to be invited to again.

So, after returning from Europe I was thrown into a serious schedule of juggling performing, new friends, making new music and trying to organize and band and then BAM- boyfriend scheduling. Are you people aware that this could require and entire planner of it's own?? This is by no means a bad thing, it's just an extra job. One that I've committed to making work.

My poor little CTS blog has gotten the shaft (not the literal shaft, just a shaft- now that we're talking about real mean, real shafts are involved so I just wanted to be clear) and truly, I MISS CTS. I miss my blog friends and I miss the release that I get from being about to stand on my little soap box in the virtual world and talk to a thousand of my closest friends about my mood swing, my diet and my nagging urge to renounce my possessions and travel to Thailand (this is on the "life list" somewhere down the line)

I didn't want to be become one of those bloggers (nothing against you who are this way- I still love you) who gabbed about all the things that that her and her Knight in Shining Armor did together, i.e. hung up new shelves, cooked an amazing chicken saute, shopped for turtlenecks and rocked cousin's newborn baby, all the while cooing over how cute their children would be together someday. That just wasn't my schtick......BUT- then my inner romantic who Tivo's wedding shows wants to just scream from the top of the mountain that she's never enjoyed playing Scrabble with someone SO much in her life. That the idea of doing stupid things like stopping at the gas station to buy eggnog and beef jerky, or pick up cute vases from IKEA together sounds fun.....perfect even.

Chelsea Talks Smack, the heartbroken, sometimes jaded, sometimes hopeless though never short of hopelessly romantic has turned into a love consumed junkie. A feign. It's like heroin. Cuddling and crossing off thigns on our "date list" and that just makes me feel a bit toolish, but at the same time.....I feel like the luckiest tool in the world.

So I'm sorry to you CTS but this Chelsea is going to get a little gushy now and then, and though the internet and this blog has been the closest thing to me (which makes me sound like a nerdy tool) I've replaced you with something that actually has a heartbeat. Which feels nice.

That being said, you're still my number one and I'm finding ways to make time for you too.......

more to come later....

I have to go "make" my lovely little Christmas present. God, I am a sucker.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

When things are BRIGHT.....

One day you're alone, the next you've met this incredible person who so easily and effortlessly was the exact thing you'd subconsciously been waiting for; though, completely doubtful of them actually existing and by some uncomplicated, divine hand they're placed right there at reach.

One day you're certain that this is the resting point, the point where everything just settles and this is "it." The kind of "IT" where you're not moving, you're just steadily existing in one spot....seemingly forever- when you turn on the "tune out" button and in a moment, "it" has shifted and suddenly you've opened doors and said "yes" to more than you could possibly handle. You've taken a routine and shaken it up, grabbing each little piece and carefully placing them into this new mosaic of a life you've jumped into, then standing back and admiring how well the mismatched, colorful pieces fit together...

One day it's just a dream, the next it's reality.

But it isn't a day, it isn't a single date or just feels that way. It's a combination of slight shifts in your life. The things you've said no to and the things you've said yes to without hesitation that makes it all feel like ONE DAY. The "one day" when everything just worked itself out was really a slow moving process of thoughts, actions, desires, fears.....that all come together into an acknowledgement of being.

Everything I've wanted and everything I haven't wanted has been placed in the same garden and been watered by the same powerful and contradicting energies, thought process and vibrations and thus flourished into this significantly new way of existence. Of presence.

Everything- everything I'm thankful for and the things that I'm not....I can take full responsibility for feeding...for giving the power and attention to the things that are unwanted and for believing in the things that were so desired and are satiating every intense physical and emotional yearning that I've had......

There is no limit to what we can do- to what we can have.....we are that limiting factor. Circumstance, placement, status, disadvantage...those are trivial things that, unfortunately, we graciously give too much credit, sometimes it's simply easier that way.

"The Universe is not under pressure and neither are we. The baby chick comes out of the shell when it is ready; the fruit falls from the tree when it is ripe and we transform into Spirit when the time is right....don't push the river, let it be."

I read that today and it was so perfect for everything that I'm feeling right now. The goodness that is consuming me was certainly unexpected, though all of it was planted very cautiously and tended to meticulously and optimistically....even in subtle ways when doubt was the stronger belief.

Love came when it was meant to, when I was ready for it. Music came when I trusted that I had a voice for a reason and the right people came when I was unafraid to live in all of the brilliance and spirit, inhibition and confidence that I knew was lurking behind some unnecessary and unjustified negative belief that stood, firmly, in it's way.

Our thoughts are what we plant, our energy is what we water it with....our truths are decided by what we believe, in our heart and in our minds and when the things that we believe are fed consistently with non-belief they'll stay buried under the soil until eventually, they're completely forgotten and will remain unfulfilled prophecies sitting somewhere beneath new cluttered ideas and half-hopes.

Allotting ourselves more responsibility for what grows into our lives is a powerful AND scary thought.....until you see that the good you've grown was brought into being by your own hand.........

and that, is a fucking amazing feeling.