Sunday, April 25, 2010

Well this is EMO of me....relationships are a tricky bitch.

It's like peeling the band aid off slowly....

I would be lying if I said the last month has been peachy keen. In fact, it's been pretty fucking blah. I'm doing my best to not sound like a total emo toolbag, but I mean, shit- I have a blog- what's more well suited for an emo than blogging?

When we really, really love someone it always starts off as, "this person compliments me-- we bring out the best in each other. They quite possibly posses the mind and face and body of someone I'd like to see everyday. forever. You revel in each other's presence and quirks and every new discovery, every witty thing he says, or silly habit I notice fills in this mystery that you just have to solve. It starts off innocently enough, but each little clue is a chip of a the other person's heart and you start storing them up until you've given over the whole thing.

I first went into my relationship thinking that THIS is going to be the one that sticks. The one where we don't have "breaks," or turbulent fights and low blows. I was absolutely set on and refused to accept another heartbreak. In this one I would compromise and listen....I wouldn't be too prideful, possessive or distrusting. I carefully placed each brick, with intention to in the long run build something solid.

Unfortunately, my obsession with refusing to see disappointment festered like a cancer. Slowly, it was just a tiny snag that goes ignored until something catches it...and then all of a sudden you've got a fucking pile of yarn and no blanket. And it's the middle of winter. And you don't sew. Fuck sewing.

I don't know what happened was a series of "small" events, then the next thing you know I'm staying with my parents and he's sleeping on the couch.

"You went into it thinking Happily Ever After, but there is no ever after....there's no END. That doesn't exist, because relationships are a continuously road you have to walk on together. You have to TRUST."

When he said, "Maybe it'd be smart to take a little break...." my entire body went numb. And then I proceeded to beg, which isn't a strong-confident-self-reliant-womanly thing to do and it certainly isn't a "me" thing to do. Ok, lies, I've done it twice before but I believe one time I was drunk and the other was a "first heartbreak" and we all do irrational things the first time, begging and stalking included.

It all happened after a series of events that brought the unfavorable character flaws that My Love and I possessed to a head, (under a horrifically bright fluorescent lamp) and ended in a night that with me driving around asking myself, "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WITH MYSELF BEFORE I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP.... And, oh holy Jesus what the fuck do I now.....?" I was doing that cry where you sort of feel drunk, you know the one- where you start losing control of speech and body awareness and then you speak gibberish and people start getting worried....also, the newly heartbroken should be banned from cars. And whiskey. And text messaging.

When you love someone you just want them to be everything to you. The pillar, the muse, the port in the storm, the provider and the counselor. You think that they'll see the things that hurt you and protect you from them- without you having to ask. It's an unspoken rule that once this person is "my person" they'll be there when I'm lonely, or have a flat tire or need a drinking partner, because all those "little things" represent something so much bigger...something that proves faithfulness and security. Trust that that heart you gave over when everything was still sunshine and roses is going to be taken care of.

We ask a lot from each other....but we do it because there isn't anyone else in the whole world who can fill in all the blank colors with such absolute vivid, perfection.

Taking a break I've always thought is the first part of a "break-up..." just with less courage.

I don't know what we're doing. I think we're not calling it a "break..." just "SPACE." Space to do cartwheels and discover things outside of each other, pursue and imagine things that we can COMPLETE alone....and celebrate TOGETHER.

I know what I need to do....I need to reintroduce myself to that girl, the one who sauntered into an audition- fearless and brazenly self-confident that captured his attention, without meaning to and kept it. The girl who went to dinner by herself because food tastes better when you don't have any distractions...or anywhere to be. The girl who took vacations alone and went to the art museum solo. Who lived FREELY and passionately, not because I was trying to prove anything to anyone...but because it made me HAPPY. Who wasn't an observer, but an active creator....waiting for no one, those who wanted to jump on the boat were welcome, but regardless, the boat was going somewhere.

While I'm not blogging I'm getting a somewhere. And I hope he's on it with me.

What do you do with a "BREAK?"

Monday, April 12, 2010

I'm a RUNAWAY BLOGGER... who's back for love and crack money.

I've been avoiding you.

...yes you, I've been acting like I could get away with being moody and having writers block forever, I even tried to drive to Kansas on a whim (Kansas of all places...) and ended up getting a flat tire (Thank you Universe, nice to see you're not working on "my plan" to visit Dorothy and avoid reality) I put in that much effort to avoid looking at a blank screen and wanting to just CRY, dry tears from an empty well of creativity and inspiration. God, how emo of me I just should go sing "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia and take a bath, while singing into a loofa and laugh/crying. Laaame.

I'm a bad blogger
.. and I've MISSED YOU ALL..I leave without letting you all where I'm going and don't check in...I'm that kid that stays out 6 hours past curfew and doesn't call, only to leave you all thinking I've wound up in an alley somewhere, or passed out after playing too much beer pong. ...No worries my gems, the first week, I was in Maui, the second week...I've uh.......been sleeping in a lot? Eating Blow Pops for breakfast, at noon and conjuring up ways I can get an Airstream Trailer, asap and "get the fuck outta' this biaaaatch."

While I was daydreaming and feeling sorry for day went by....I couldn't write, two days, three day four I could barely form a coherent sentence, the lack of Internet speak started taking a toll on my motor skills, communication? And I thought about just pulling a "vanisher" act until I could tell you all that my life has gotten exponentially more awesome and I'd buy you all Smart Cars and licorice dispensers.

Avoiding reality hasn't helped. And it certainly hasn't changed anything.

It was time to return (though very reluctantly) by the end of week one, after drinking bottomless Mai Tai's and sunbathing, I was thisclose to dropping $200 on a pair of white skinny jeans, so OBVIOUSLY someone was feeling a little delusional and by week two, I'd gained two pounds....I know this because I'm neurotic.

This second week hasn't been all sunshiney. You know when you feel like you've FINALLY caught up with the gigantic ship that has all these amazing things on board; abundance, excitement, peace, a lot of shrimp cocktail and dancing girls? You get the gist. So you finally catch up....then all of a sudden, you feel your feet come out from under you....the next thing you know you're ass up in the middle of the Ocean like, fuck, how did I get here? A minute ago I was basking in shrimp cocktail and dancing girls, while getting an amazing tan.

Yeaaaaa....that's how I feel.

My whole goal on my vacation was to reconnect with myself, my peace... find alignment, strength and that brilliant "shine" that we all forget to fan from time to time. And yes, even during my month of crossing things off the "Life List" and getting out of my comfort zone, I've been feeling I'm either one step behind the beat, a page behind, or certain faucets of creativity, peace, and contentment are clogged.

Like the faucet is dripping and you know if you could just turn that knob a little harder it'd be a flood....a brilliant, powerful, thirst-quenching flood.

I simply can't keep up ....when you can't keep up you lose sight of where you were going, because you're trying so hard to just see what's right in front of you.....but maybe that's the realization I need to have:

Focus on where you are RIGHT NOW and you'll get where you're going. Even if you can only see a faint footprint of where to step next.

Someone said today, "it's like you're in the Sea of Love and you're drinking from a thimble....GET A BIGGER GLASS!" IN the sea? Doesn't that mean all we REALLY need to do is wake up?!

Right now, I'm nurturing the parts of me that need to be "woken up," re-engergized, shaken...stirred furiously with a spoon, to see things differently when it all settles. I am taking yoga (raising money for a YOGATHON to teach yoga/wellness in schools), reading good books, sweating, running, laying in the grass, getting out and allowing myself to breathe through this awkward "blah" transition....just one foot in front of the other.

How do you "WAKE YOURSELF UP" out of a "RUT?"

Oh and ....I've really missed you guys.