Thursday, May 27, 2010

Why do I blog??? I blog because people give me sex toys. Ok fine, that's not the ONLY reason.

No, I didn't end up lost in the middle of the desert after Bloggers in Sin City (though that was highly likely, considering I spent most of the drive tweeting and looking for the red skittles in the jumbo pack).... fact, I've been plotting a way for all of us blogger bitches to live on a compound and braid each other's hair, while making peach jam and following some chosen God, which would likely be vodka, or Twitter, or Elizabeth Gilbert since all of a sudden we all "just happened" to want to go to an ashram, and feel less guilty about eating gelato everyday. Some desires are just universal. Whatever keeps the faith. Thus my plan isn't hatching the way I'd hoped....turns out most people like their real-life friends, don't give a fuck about making jam, or 20 loaves of bread a day and compounds are creepy. But, I tried. It could've been my perma-hangover that found the idea to be brilliant....or the 24 hours a day I've spent catching up on work. And Real Housewives.

No fears... no compound, no kool-aid, no road trip car wrecks.

I'm home safely and I've been recovering from A. wearing heels while walking down the strip twice. B. drinking entirely too much mini-champagne (yes, I brought my own...klassy with a k) and C. retraining myself how to speak like a "non-blogger" which means the following phrases are banished; "I mean," before every sentence, "Um, Hi" before every sentence, when you aren't actually greeting someone and all mentioning of the "Gaga walk-off" with the monster/claw hand. The Gaga walk-off scares children, and bystanders...sane people don't point a claw at their face and walk the runway in the middle of the grocery store- if you're confused, pick up your hand, claw it- now point it in the direction of your face, and WALK. I mean, STRUT. Thanks Ben, for the Gagaspiration. (Gaga + Inspiration= gagaspiration...which actually sounds like a rare form of gas caused by sweating.)

Damn, I just said "I mean."

The last weekend in Vegas was amazing- after 11 hours of driving with my lovely sister-friend Doniree, with talks about energy healing, orgasms, and food (turns out the later two are actual the problem solver of "healing energy"), we arrived in Vegas stocked with bubbly, beer and South Beach bars. While Nicole came stocked with sex toys to give to us bloggers, apparently what happens in Vegas goes back home with you in the form of a magical dildo shaped like a horse shoe.

The first day or so I was overwhelmed by the fact that there were all these people who I kinda thought I knew, who kinda thought they knew me, but yet....I kinda still didn't know anyone- it's a unique situation to find yourself in, especially when, within 24 hours you've all; been in a bikini together, told each other your craziest sexual experience (to win said magical dildo) and gotten unnecessarily tipsy, then showing everyone your hag-hungover face the next day. The experience is kind of like having sex, then going on a date.

....and it was amazing. Get all the complicated shit out of the way at the beginning right!?

I actually full on- tongue on cheek licked Livit Luvit, while she also licked my face- at the same time.... which is kind of like some weird blogger bonding experience. Or maybe it has nothing to do with bloggers and we're just gross, EITHER WAY- we licked faces. For real.
I met so many original 20 Something Bloggers folks, some new people and some "old friends."

One of the best experiences was meeting the beautiful Jenny Blake from Life After College, as Sin City roommates we got the chance to curl up together and get down to the good nitty gritty parts about being a 20something, being a woman, and being an ambitious, courageous lady....turns out even we've got it all going for us, we're still vulnerable, soft, messy and completely lovable....despite all of the the fears we've created and built up around ourselves as a means for "protection." We're beautiful and strong, despite the fact that sometimes we just want someone to tell us they adore us and that would actually solve everything. We're beautiful and strong, even when we aren't really sure why we feel like we're missing that extra "sparkle" in our lives. Us ladies, us 20something (30something, 70something?!) women (and men)- who are often floundering, often standing center stage, and just as often proudly taking on the World without the proper tools, are still raw humans; tender, impetuous, insightful, and MAGNIFICENT women.

Having some amazing conversations with Jenny, and so many other fabulous bloggers I met this weekend (there's entirely too many to list), I was reminded that what defines the REAL brilliance of going into each experience, is to nakedly fling yourself into it by just BEING YOURSELF.

Sharing your stories and your quirks, your underground insecurities...and sharing it all without worrying whether people will like it or not. By blogging we put it all out there, usually with an extra pinch of crazy. But we also don't apologize for those that we attract already love the messy bits. We see the flaw and buy it anyway.

I was reminded of the power that we all have when we've got some serious backing, real friends and they're all packin'; wit, intelligence and in some cases, an extra tampon, or clearer beer goggles, to lessen the damage.

Thank you to the ladies, and men, I met this last weekend- you all inspired me, taught me some new dance moves, made sure I didn't get roofied and made me proud to wear this heart right on my sleeve, knowing there's other people out there doing the exact same thing. The whole experience made me even more grateful for all the reasons I love to blog.


So, why do YOU blog? Or, if you don't blog....why?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

One word.....VEGAS

The last week has been a clusterfuck of awesomeness.

...the weekend ahead is going to be just as radical. I can feel it in my tiny little osteoporosis prone bones (I've really never been a fan of milk, unless it's in the form of cheese.)

The last blog, remember the one where I was broke and eating icecream (I like milk in that form too) caused a little bit of confusion as to what I really DO. Which, I guess I never really talked much about anything other than "freelancing," "gigging" and "drinking wine." Which is a career in itself, if only I didn't have a deviated septum I may have chosen the path of Sommelier, but I digress....

If you've gathered that I'm just a singer who sits on her yoga butt saying inspirational mumbo jumbo between bong hits, while swirling in the crisis that is"twentysomething life"- then I have misled you.

...I mean, I am all of that. I'm just multi-dimensional.

For the last three years I said goodbye to the retail stores, the restaurants, the assistant jobs and I've lived solely on freelance writing and MUSIC. I didn't want to embark on a "CAREER" somewhere because that would be stealing an opportunity from someone who actually wanted it, thus I was doing jobs people don't want to do (i.e. working at Lucky Strike for 4 months and feeding bowling monsters beers and wings. YACK.) And I've done other random things here and there.

Though that would have been great for some, it wasn't for me. I have a sharp tongue and a "three-monther" syndrome, I usually decide when I'm planning on quitting a job the day I start it. Hi, horrible character flaw, but at least it's decisive. I prefer having an end in sight when the job itself makes me want to chug coolant. It's sort of depression prevention, three months, max and move on- thus I have had about 6 thousand jobs since I was seventeen.

When I finally decided to freelance full time I was living in New York City; I worked for, I freelanced for fashion photographers as an assistant for specific shoots, and I worked as a stringer briefly for OK! Magazine.

After my epic Europe trip, I decided to take on more online work, since my computer allowed me to tour, travel, and eat peanut butter with a spoon in the privacy of my own home- people stare when you do that in an office. I tried it.

NOW, I turned one random blog gig into an ever growing lineup of work. I write for 15+ websites- some of it is steady, contract work- while others are more freelance and not always consistent. I also teach acting and voice lessons. In between waiting for freelance checks to come through after I've spent my contract work money on bills, etc. and blueberry scones (and road trips to Vegas, HI BITCHES!) I make money singing....writing songs, playing with my band and so on. Which is quite often.


I think some of my readers were confused as to why I didn't have a "fucking job...." which I apologize for leaving holes in my story. I'm redefining what I believe a job should be, for me. Not for anyone else, we all have our own needs and requirements for what make us happy.

The thing with my Renaissance life is that it's a beautiful patchwork of things I LOVE to do. Of the things that give me freedom and don't tell me I can only be casual on Fridays. It's a patchwork of things that enhance my creativity, challenge me, and allow me to wake up in the morning and paint pictures of "my feelings" all day if it tickles my little fancy. So useless right? But that's not the point, the point is that if I desire something, I can do it. The ability to change the canvas of MY life is important to me.

I've woven together a perfect little security blanket, that leaves me just uncomfortable enough to continue STRIVING, working hard, kicking my ass and showing up again the next day for more until I'm the absolute best I can be at what I do. I get to call the shots and create new standards for what I expect from myself and my life at any given day......and that right there is perfection to me.

The GOAL itself changes all the time....but I ENJOY the journey, the random jobs, the silly articles, the gigs where you're playing for a bar of 6 people, 3 of which want to kick your ass, while the other three are lost at the bottom of a bottle of Jager. So glamorous right?


It works for me because I know that this isn't the end...I will never be stagnant. I have too much nervous energy and lofty ideals. And I'm sort of a hotel snob, so clearly I have a future.

The point is this; whatever it is that you dream of doing shouldn't be a "hobby" if you wake up in the morning and you can taste it on the tip of your tongue. If your dream is your screensaver, your "free time," that book you always revisit and live vicariously through, if it's what you'd do if you KNEW you'd make money and succeed at it...then to me, it's something you should FOLLOW.

God, "The Universe," whatever you want to call it, doesn't show up like Will Ferrell in Superstar at the edge of your bed every night giving you "directions" but he/it/she/energy gives you INTUITION. The "inner map," your emotions, your thoughts, are the only things we really have that TELL us something.

If I didn't follow that- what would be the point?

If you believe in what you do, the money will come. If it's worked for one person, why couldn't it work for you?



Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Being broke isn't the WORST thing that could happen....I could've been born Amish?

The other day I spent my last dollar on an icecream cone from McDonald's....

...this was right after My Love gave his last dollar to a homeless man on the corner, literally making the man on the street richer than he was.
Collectively we were both down to zero. Literally, all together- ZERO. As in, no savings, no jar of "spare change,"....)we've cleaned that out for condoms and Ramen, since babies are more expensive) We had nothing worth selling, not even plasma. In fact, the debt that we have is more like negative $$$(fill in horrific college loans, and the Paris fund that I started when I decided charging champagne and tarts was "totally worth it." I still stand by the choice. A couple grand later, a couple drunk Parisian escapades and 2 pounds worth of pastry dough still in my belly.)

So, if you all you have is a dollar, why not roll down your windows, enjoy a Vanilla cone and drive in the sunshine- on fumes, back to your basement apartment?

I want to be comfortable in ZERO...but I don't want to be there forever, it's just being able to embrace the present ZERO and know that it's only temporary. At least that's the goal. Or I'm going to start directing porn. Hi, Mom. This poverty couldn't possibly be my fate, because I'm too damn awesome/motivated/creative to stay in this situation, plus "starving artist" is so cliche. I only like cliches on Holidays, where there's candy with cute sayings involved.

Recently, I was talking with one of my friends about "Unexpected Income" not necessarily in a $$ amount, but in the form of something that is discounted, free, etc. I.E. When your grandma brings you cookies, you don't have to buy your own cookies (unless you're cookie monster,'re cookie-exclusive and chocolate chip simply won't serve you/you're an asshole) or your friend bought you a drink at the bar, someone let you borrow a book you were thinking about buying, and so on. These are all things that you would have BOUGHT you have to think of it as a "credit" to your empty bank account. It's the Universe throwing you a bone...and rather than going home and bitching about how fucking broke you are, you can say, "Why thank you, tonight was +20 bucks I didn't have."

It's a form of showing GRATITUDE to a rather unfavorable situation.

...once you start recognizing the "unexpected income" in your life, it's a lot easier to realize how ABUNDANT your life actually is.

I talked about Abundance of Heart as my goal for 2010 (along with meeting Jay-Z, which will happen) and I haven't been out traveling the world like I did in 2008, I haven't been living in a fancy place like I did in L.A, I haven't been crossing as much of the Life List as I'd like to, I haven't spent money on gratuitous items like new nail polish and colored tights-but I am comfortably flourishing where I'm planted. And all I need is a little sunshine, and an icecream cone every once in awhile. ...even if I have to pay with that cone in nickels and dimes.

We are not defined by the amount in our bank account, but we are defined by how we LIVE...

...And the manner, the intention and the enthusiasm you LIVE with should come from something deeper than a paycheck. Via Facebook chat tonight, I lamented to Doniree over writers block and blah blah blah...and told her that I wrote the word "Enthusiasm" on my mirror, because I like to say cheesy things to people I love...and I should probably be on an episode of Glee, but also because, "having enthusiasm reminds you to presently enjoy the PROCESS, or action of what you're doing. Or the stillness. Because you're excited to be THERE." Yes. That's me, quoting me? (this is where you'd hashtag LAME on Twitter.)

...We're always curious about how people "live," that's why we blog, tweet, invite people into our homes, snoop through peoples medicine cabinets.....oh? what? The point is, when someone wonders, "What does she LIVE like..." I don't want to live in the confines of zero, or 10 million. Though there would be a varying degree of yacht travel, and canned peas in there....I want my MANNER and LIFE APPROACH to stay the same;

Fucking enthusiastic. Icecream cone enthusiastic. And yes, ice cream should be one word. Icecream.

At the core of everything we are, we have an energy that we approach the day with- I'm not talking about the day where you have to go to the Gyno, or your boyfriend smoked a cigarette in the house while you were sleeping and ashed in your yummy fig candle-I'm talking, run-of-the-mill coffee, routine, day. How do you LIVE....? What energy are you giving out....

So, whether you're at $0 or $100.....what do you "LIVE" LIKE?

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Sun'll come OUUUUT....I always did want to play Annie on Broadway. Too bad I'm not a ginger.

Things are looking up....

Things always "look up" if you're actually looking there. The other day I was meditating and while I was coming into a place of peace and serenity, the instant I started "RELAXING" I thought to myself, "wouldn't it be fucking horrible if I just had a seizure?...." uh. Yes, it would. but why, oh why, crazy brain would you think of such a thing....the seizure comment naturally brought up other negative emotions like counting my carbohydrate intake for the day, loathing the article I had to write, my dwindling bank account, and unwarranted fears of My Love sleeping with a cougar after an argument and night of whiskey drinking. Hi Negative Nancy, welcome to my meditation session, you hooker.

Life is sort of like riding a bike, if you're always looking at the ground you're bound to fall.

I don't want to be in a constant state of angst, fear, what next? Right now I'm overcompensating with planning and outlining, making lists for every little thing because I'm afraid everything won't just WORK. Yearning is not a lifestyle....and it's become mine. You can't be in a constant state of WANT, or you'll never actually have anything.

Within the wanting you often forget what it is you ACTUALLY want....and then you're hanging out there on a skinny branch and you've completely lost where the root of the desire came from. I'm getting back to THE ROOT. The root of the things that I love and rather than doing them thinking about what other people would want, or where it's going to get me, I'm going to create because I simply love singing a beautiful song. I simply love writing something that makes you FEEL something. Simply because I love these things I'm going to TRUST there's a reason for that...and remember that I love them, rather than letting my passion rear it's ugly head at me because I'm focusing so much on watering the tiny leafs of it's branches rather than the actual SOIL. The leafs and branches are part of the picture, but they aren't the whole thing.

I have somehow along the last two months lost sight of the fact that within me, if I trust it, there's a deep, overflowing well of SECURITY. Of safety. There's a thing that is bigger than desiring something, bigger than want, bigger than the little ruts and bumps....bigger than $20 dollars, or $100 dollars, bigger than right. this. second.

I'm not exactly where I WANT to be, but I have to TRUST that each little connection, diversion and misstep are part of the bigger plan and instead of jeering at the things I don't want, I can looking stead at the things I do....knowing that all that I need, all that I want and all that I have are ALREADY HERE....let the universe work out the rest. We are constantly evolving... Sometimes, I feel like if we saw the bigger picture, we would feel OKAY being all the things we WANT and love right now.

My "guru" says this...

"You can attract only that which you mentally become and feel yourself to be in reality." Ernest Holmes

Funny, how that's my Facebook quote on my page...and while I look at everyday and conceptually understand it all and believe it to my CORE, that I've still allowed myself to "feel in reality" things that are completely contradictory to want I want to become. Then, I'm all angry when I become shriveled up, uninspired, and The Queen of Darkness. FEEL IN REALITY WHAT YOU WANT TO BECOME.......

Looks like I've got a lot of feeling and looking to "readjust."

....I will manifest all the I see.... good reminder if you're seeing things unfavorably. Who says rose colored glasses aren't sexy?

Do you FEEL you ARE what you have WANTED to become??