Monday, February 28, 2011

Love, promises, rambling; is Chelsea in Love again, WTF? Ambiguity is awesome.

Hey you, eventually I'll start calling you "Mister," cause that's my way of making you more than a friend and making you a "thing," but for now you're just "you,"
you're the next one who makes my heart jump into my throat when you say, "My Girl," when telling your friends something about me that makes you light up with pride.
Hey, so I'm going to go into this and do it "right," I'm willing to work through the muck, to open my heart and to be more of a dream, than a nightmare....and when we're in the dark together, let's grab hands and fumble to find a match. Look, I have some "things..." we all do, right? Let's start of with this, this is my foundation of what I want to be to you; I will be the most loyal, the most open-hearted, the most sensual, brave and supportive lady you could ask for... I promise not to stop challenging you, or listening to you....I promise to honor your higher-self and I promise to never stop seeing you, so I have a simple request, can you promise me a couple things too?

Please promise to make me feel safe. Sometimes I'll do things that you won't like, but when you start to question them, if you're wondering, if you need a reminder remember this; I probably didn't mean that mean thing that I said, and I'm sorry. When you're having a hard time apologizing, surprise candy and "grand gestures," like showing up when I'm not expecting you to, always work (blame it on the romantic comedies that taught us that's what he'll do if he really means it, the "trek," the standing in the pouring rain, the throwing rocks at windows, or showing up at that-certain-place-only-he-knows-you-go-to gets us every time.) Be nice to my little sister, be protective of her- dislike her boyfriends before you like them.
If I say, "do you want to go to (insert family function here)...." just say, "yes..." your bond with them, is just as important as your bond with me. Learn my "ticks," the sounds and the motions I make before I'm going to explode, feel my energy. Even though I'm not going anywhere, I kind of like it when you get jealous from time to time.....he was flirting with me, that should bother you, I am that valuable. I want you to flourish, and I want you to want the same for me....when I seem uber-excited about a project, let me ramble- act like you care until you actually do, you caring about my "shine," makes me feel safe to be the brightest Peacock on the block, knowing that you aren't threatened or disconnecting.

If you need space, cool- we just need to have a "disconnect-reconnect" script, this is part of what stabilizes the foundation of trust, knowing that no one is running out. Faithfulness, always. faithfulness. THIS is one of my boundaries...and it will always be, can you respect me enough to honor that?

When I say, "what are you thinking?" I really just want you to tell me something, I want a peek into your private thoughts, the personal ones, even if they don't apply to me at all- I promise not to ask for you to keep that secret door open all the time, but if I knock- please let me in? Its just me... and I come in peace, I won't abuse the All-Access pass. Can we agree on no secrets, no secrets that are about US, that directly affect the evolution and health of our relationship....I promise that I won't keep any from you, so in return, please guard them?

Sometimes I'll need you to tell me, unsolicited how fucking awesome, sexy, desirable and amazing I am- no matter how secure I am- I just need this sometimes, or maybe I don't "need" it, but I like it, so I think I'm allowed to "need" something I like. I'll need you to make me feel like the most important, cherished woman in your life, next to your Mom......I really want you to love your Mom, so do that too, k?

I need you to remind me to eat something before we drink, this is more for your sake than mine, trust. Sometimes ill ask you the same question twenty different ways, probably because you didn't tell me what I wanted to hear; which is usually, "I love you, ill protect you, I'm not going anywhere. You're hotter."

Please be kind.

Am I safe, 100 percent to be me? Like all the bad, shitty parts too? Please don't shut down, even if its not about me, I take it personally, this is a classic characteristic of a neurotic, so, just tell me where you're at so that I can respect your boundaries and process.
If you're wondering if you should call, you probably should.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD. Words are important to me, and showing that you honor your words, means showing action.

So here's some of my things, the ones that aren't desirable, the ones that are probably exhausting, but I'm aware of them- I KNOW, I need to work through these....can you learn to be okay with that?

I'm terrified of it all being take away from me before I can really enjoy it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I have a crippling fear of dying before my idea of "my time"- my feelings get hurt, much easier than you'd suspect. Part of how I get people to "like me" is by acting like I don't really care if they do- even after that, I still feel like they don't. I'm afraid that I'm disposable. When he says, "you're the most precious thing in my whole world" I'm afraid that it'll be the last time he says it and it'll be the last day I'm in fact the "most" anything to him, because someone else will be introduced to him and then ill be an afterthought. I know, it seems like "a lot," sometimes it is...I'm working on it.

No matter how good I feel about myself, I fear I may not be pretty enough for everyone else in order for me to accomplish my dreams to the level I imagine. If I think my "best" is good enough, they may not agree. I worry that I'll always be misunderstood. "BORING" attached to me, or anything that I do throws me into a panic. Sometimes I fear you'll change your mind, or forget how much you love me? I'm really trying to stop doing that, can you respect my process?

There's a "dance" in love, one where both have to learn to interpret on anothers steps before we make the next move, but when we're safe- after accidentally stepping on some toes, we learn to fill in the space, trade-off who "leads," surrender to the push and the pull.... and then, sway in the space when we meet, chest to chest- heart to heart, toe to toe and to breathe in the connection. Will you dance with me?

I'm turning my "worrier" into a "Warrior" (thank you KC), I recognize that I have a CHOICE over how I feel; anxious, alone, fearful and while it isn't always easy I'm actively trying to choose the higher emotion, FIGHTING IS GOOD- I need to know that you aren't afraid of explosive emotions, heavy discussions- while I don't want them to be a focal point, or a constant, they will happen- we are two people with two different minds, different expectations....staying instead of running when there's a fight makes us warriors together, instead of apart, which ultimately- MAKES US STRONG. RESILIENT. ROOTED AND ETERNAL, it takes our love from shallow to "forever."

I will do my best not to be defensive, I will not throw your/our past in your face, I will let go of the need to "be right," I will learn to take, "I don't know" as an answer until you DO know.....I will always, always think you're the sexiest- I will remember your Mother's birthday, I will fill in your weak spots and let you fill in mine, I will make you smile and laugh-everyday, I will be your best fan/groupie/cheerleader, I will be "on fire," in my life and I will share it with you and visa versa, I will grow and explore with and without you, knowing at the end of the day, you're my guy and we're in it together. I will accept your eccentricities and and I will admire, respect, adore and melt for you....always.

What are some of your "LOVE" boundaries?


Anonymous said...

This is awesome, Chelsea. And so are you. I love this post!

Jen said...

Chelsea, you have a way to put words together that every woman feels. I feel like I need to print out this post and give it to my boyfriend because it pretty much sums up everything I have been trying to get through to him.


And congrats on your Bootlegger awards!

Unknown said...

So honest and true! Loved reading this, and you def wrapped your hands around all of the thoughts whirling around in a "young love" girls head. I remember feeling exactly like this when I met my hubby!!!

Nicole said...

Beautiful post, Chelsea.

A few of my love boundaries: Talk to me about everything. Don't create any "taboo" subjects. Even if it's a hard and ugly conversation, I have to be able to talk to you about sex or money or your mom or whatever, and I can't have anything that is straight up "off limits."

Don't let me shut you out. When I get angry I get quiet. Some people think that this is when I need space, but it's actually when I need to know that you still care, and I need to resolve whatever "it" is.

Be tender. I'm strong and confident, but sometimes I want to feel little and soft and cute. Don't always try to match my energy, fight my fire with water. Help me relax into being loved.

Meg said...

good lord chelsea, why is it that i feel like you're in my mind hole?! fantastic post and oh-so-relevant to some things going on in my own life right now. thank you.


Jennifer said...

THIS! Just this.

Kelly said...

Omg. This is powerful.

Missy said...

Such perfect words, as always. :)

So many boundaries, and so much to work on (but like you I'm aware and working!) but the one that imploded my last relationship is needing him to tell me when something's wrong. Tell me I screwed up, tell me you're mad at me, even if you know you're being ridiculous and insecure tell me what you're feeling even if you don't think I'll like it. To me there's nothing worse than knowing something's wrong and having only my own creative license to figure it out. Because what I'll always settle on is "he just doesn't love me anymore" when in reality it's probably just "she's 15 minutes late again and I'm tired of her not ever being on time...even if I think she's worth the wait".

Sam said...

I absolutely LOVE this post!!!

doniree said...

I'm really proud of you for writing this out, and I love the way you've articulated everything. Safety... that's something I never really considered until the last couple of years because I'd never been in a relationship that had threatened that - in the emotional, or any sense of the word. I know what it means now to want and value someone who protects you, your heart, and your relationship. You said a lot of things here I've been struggling to get into words myself, and I love this.

jayme said...

usually i can't take my eyes off the screen when i read your posts but i have to admit that half way through, i had to stop and email my boyfriend because i wanted to thank him for protecting me like he does. you are amazing and your writing seriously makes my day so much better. no matter what the subject is, i'm always reminded to stay true. you write so real and honest, it's beautiful. again, per usual, thanks for sharing girlfriend. xo

Nicole said...

Once again your words are like gold, congrats on the award and the love you more than deserve them both!

Unknown said...
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Chelsea said...

beautiful. i want to pass this out to all future boyfriends.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

laurwilk- THANK YOU!

Jen- I'm so glad you could relate, I was thinking that some ladies could probably pass this along to their dudes ;)

Tamara- aw, sweet! Thank you!

Nicole- amazing boundaries, so good.

Meg- I am in your mind! muah hahah! ;)

Jennifer and Kelly- THANKS LADIES!

lola- ah, yes I completely understand this...

sam- thank you!

Doniree- Isn't it interesting how sometimes people say just the right thing that you couldn't quite wrap your mind do this for me all the time, dear.

jayme- That's so very sweet, thank you- I try and try and try to stay true....I wrote this on my blackberry, in the thoughts were happening internally, that's where I find the most "real stuff."

Nicole- THANKS SO MUCH, very honored to have received them!

Chelsea- I certainly am going to ;) Thanks girl!

Magdalena Viktoria said...

I really like this worrier into warrior bit. I NEED to realize that even more.
xx said...

i really like the part about him showing up at your door step. these truly are the ideas we get from movies, but they just seem SO right


suki @ [Super Duper Fantastic] said...


Security. I don't need you to protect me at every turn, but I want to know that you'll be right there should I need that extra hand/shoulder.

Communication. Tell me what's on your mind. I really want to know when I'm asking.

Thankfully I've found someone who, despite not being known to for romantic gestures, is absolutely sincere in his affections, and that in itself is romantic.

Anna said...

Love this post! It puts into words everything I feel/want.

Amy said...

This is lovely.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

magdelana- i got that one from Kelly Cutrone who is an amazingly awesome badass, wish I could say I made it up myself.

Kendra was here- GAH, I love the grand gesture. I wish guys would do it more, I don't think they understand the points they would get and MOSTLY, How happy it would make us.

Suki- awesome boundaries

Anna- ah! thank you!

Amy- :) thanks!

Brandi said...

Another amazing post. Yours is my favorite blog. I'm always so excited to see a new post from you on my reader. You are so open and BRAVE and inspiring. Love.

MadScientist said...

Freaking love this. It's exactly what I needed to write. I think that 'boundary' for myself ... is taking care of myself. What would I do/How would i take care of myself when I was single? That means sleep, good food, space, breathing room..SLEEP.

Love this post. Love it.

Garnet said...

Reading this while drinking my morning tea was such a perfect start to my day. You got a way with words, lady xo

Jessica said...

This is so perfectly, perfectly stated. It's something I think we all look for, and you have written it, really, so succinctly. I wish you much luck with this love potential!

Cass said...

Chelsea, this is a perfect example of why you won the bootleg award this year. Inspiring is spot on.

Just M said...

Perfect. I look forward to when I am able to write about love like this again. NO WHERE NEAR CLOSE TO THAT. BUT HOORAY for you.

Phoenix said...

Shit, girl, you said it perfectly. I really should just print this out and hand it to my boyfriend. THAT'S how much you are able to capture what most of us feel and are going through - and it's what makes you absolutely amazing and one of a kind and a hell of a keeper.

Larissa said...

"Sometimes I'll need you to tell me, unsolicited how fucking awesome, sexy, desirable and amazing I am- no matter how secure I am- I just need this sometimes, or maybe I don't "need" it, but I like it, so I think I'm allowed to "need" something I like."

totally amazing Chelsea, really. This is incredible. Self-knowledge is so sexy!

Kaci Johanna said...

"What are you thinking"?"

My god, woman, that question is like, my TRADEMARK in a relationship. But it usually means I'm thinking something, just don't know how to bring it up.

Anonymous said...

when i get married you're writing my vows.

Gina said...

Chelsea, this is so beautiful! You're going to make one lucky guy very happy someday.

PS - I'm totally want to write one of these now. That's how much you inspire me!

Lora said...

LOVE this! It should be published in papers and magazines everywhere.

Bella said...

I printed this out & shared with a few people ;) Genius, as always <3

Dream in Grey said...

When Erin did her list of bloggers al la 20SB i didn't think something this amazing would be the first post i read.

I love your writing style and this post had me nodding along in agreement all the way through

Vixations said...

All boys should read this, because at least some parts of it (if not all) are shared by most women. At least most women I know. Safety has been my number one thing lately, and the last guy I was with not only feel safe, but made me trust myself with him, and that was more important than the fact that we're not actually that compatible. At the time, nothing else really seemed to matter, because you don't find that safety very often. Love sucks, unless it doesn't, and communication seems to be one of the biggest barriers for people finding true love, so yay for verbalizing, or at least being able to write this all down.

Pretty Zesty said...

Amazing. My boundary is lying. Sounds trite but I smell a lie from a mile away even if it's a fib... like... "You smoked earlier today didn't you" "no" "well I smell it idiot!"

Why are they so dumb? There's another boundary... don't be stupid. LOL

Vanessa said...

So happy for you chelse! This post gave me goosebumps in that new crush kind of way, like the first day of spring when the buds are in bloom. You are awesome to communicate so directly (yet indirectly) to the men in your life via the blog, and that they stay instead of run at the site of the inner workings of your female mind. I relate to a lot of the fears, desires and boundaries. Look forward to hearing more!

The Little Flapper said...

Your words are filled with so much raw emotion. Thank you for sharing them with us:]

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

dream in grey- well thank you! i'm so glad it brought you over here :)

Cass- thank you so much :)

phoenix- I keep trying to tell the men in my last, past, present, etc. that "I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS LIKE THIS, I PROMISE!" now, i have comments of PROOF :)

Cheryl- DONE

Gina- ah thank you so much, that means a lot- can't wait to read your post.

Lora- ah, that would be nice, wouldn't it?! :)

Bella- Thank you!!!

The Lewicutt's said...

Oh man. 4 years later, I'm STILL working on my need to always be right... and, I, unfortunately, do not LOVE (in a liking sense) his mother :-/ In-laws are hard... for me. I think I get so frustrated because I don't feel like they value... or make him FEEL valued enough, (and they definitely don't respect us and our choices) so I have a lot of bitter emotions.

You're allowed to have those boundaries. Boundaries are important!

freckledk said...

Worrier to Warrior. Love it.

Love all of this.

Good good good good for you!

Displaced Southerner said...

My heart is breaking today. He was careless and cruel and while that should make things easier, it doesn't. Not really. So I came back to your blog to re-read this. I needed to remember someone who IS worthy will give me the love that I damn well deserve. He won't take me, my heart, or my love lightly. So thanks for this written reminder that I am not worthless, he just wasn't worthy.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

displaced southerner- oh, i'm so sorry your heart has been hurt....I promise you my sweet, that you are 100% worthy of all the love in the world, keep your chin up darling.

LiBBy said...

My number one love boundary is NO passive aggressive emotional pouting. This is why I am alone and unattached.

Sebastian Anthony said...

Wow, that was awesome.

And now I want you to be MY girlfriend. Life is so unfair.

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