Monday, March 28, 2011

So, there are some holes in the story: I.E. Dropping a Bomb.

Sometimes, there are some holes in my stories. sometimes, I mean often-because, as much as I'd like to share every single thing all the time, there's a bit of my life that because of circumstance, respect, other people, I keep private. Woa. I share almost all of my emotions, but I don't always share the pieces that triggered the emotion; the person, the job, the place or opportunity- here's the problem with leaving holes; there's a lot of room for assumption.

After my breakup, the one I so generously offered up every detail of as to aid in my grieving process, I dated a boy, one who I've written about very briefly and due to his online persona, kept the majority of our "relationship," private.

Here's what I didn't say;
I was horribly harsh, inaccessible, capricious, and wildly NOT ready for any of that, or him, because of that....I didn't just date him, but I dated.....a couple other guys too. Hashtag me unfair, but that's the way the story goes. Admittedly, I did a lot wrong during those 7 months. I treated people poorly and with semi-reluctant force, I tried to make it all something it couldn't be.

Here's what I didn't say; I left out the bits about some of those boys making me HAPPY....I was so comfortable sharing sadness and I suppose, protecting my ex in a way....leaving the porch light on, so he would never think I moved on, because truthfully- I hadn't, that I skipped the times there were rainbows peeking through.

When I did share rainbows, I didn't say, only 7% of me was "there," when we strolled down Haight-Ashbury, holding hands and gliding in and out of pastry shops, where he encouraged me to eat one of everything and over encouraging open ears- the few moments, I nestled my head up against someone new showing hardly an ounce of what could be "affection," 8% of me showed up.... that time when he told me the story about his Dad making months worth of stew, "the stew," and stocking the fridge for every. meal. he laughed so hard we nearly spit up our Malbec and extinguished the candles on the table...yeah, that time.... 12% of me showed up..... parts of me were happy, but the other 93% was always with My Love.

Here's what I can't say about my life; there's a few major story lines happening right now that are too major to tell yet- too big, too contingent, too sacred, too kick your face exciting......that only my closest circle gets updates.

Which, truthfully, at times makes it hard for me to SHOW UP here, in full Chelsea Talks Smack regalia all brazen and unnecessary, wearing canary yellow and tangerine at the same time, bearing updates and adventures.

Here's what I didn't say, and the hole in this story is not only big, but with reason was kept mum, longer that I'm comfortable with....Remember my Valentines Day Revolution?? Right, the day when after 7 months of heartache, I pulled it together, bought myself flowers and lingerie, drank champagne, went to dinner and a spa.......

.... well after I did all of that, as I tipped down a street in Denver draped in the moonlight with the intention of heading home to eat chocolates in bed while watching something heinously unromantic, for the sake of my inner rebel....I heard him say my name, "Chels......"

My Love. My Great Love Story. The one who fucking wrecked my heart. (too put it bluntly.) The one who was The One- stood there, wearing a silly sailor hat and a blazer, at that moment, on Valentines Day, on the same corner, in the same place, at the exact same time, all by himself...just like me. It kind of just clicked, the silent inner nod. We linked arms and walked back to his apartment...the last six weeks have been, incredible and incredibly intentional. Turns out Cupid does his job, tricky rascal.

Here's what I didn't say; while our breakup was the most painful thing I've experienced, hurtful, shocking, and deep- I also recognize that it was what needed to happen then. Annoying huh? That old, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" bit. Listen, we both had our "things," that we needed to figure out. I didn't say that, there were times when we still saw each other, and "saw each other," there were times when I knew he was still in DEEP, DEEP confusion and I knew he still wasn't ready for me, I didn't say those times were punctuated by months without a word from him- I didn't say that I also knew he still loved me, acknowledging that without the outcome I wanted would've been unbearable to carry.
I didn't say that I always knew it would be him. I didn't say that, a week before Valentines Day he called and asked if we could have coffee, but I stubbornly denied. I didn't say that I saw him trying to make it all "right" again- with words and actions to follow. I didn't say that when we're together, our hearts shine a little brighter. I didn't say that it's so much better now than it ever could have been, that I trust him and I trust US. I didn't say that I feel home again, in a healthy, strong way.

I didn't say it, because I've already persecuted him, painted him through my emotions. I told the story of a Jekyll and Hyde- how do you go back and convince the jury that he's no longer a villain? ..or that he's learned the price of his crime....

Here's what I haven't said; I'm happier than I have been in a long, long time- I'm the kind of happy only he can intensify. My Love has light in his eyes again. We're building a monument on sacred burial grounds that we once were, and with every piece we're deliberate about the foundation we're laying. Carefully chosen beams, doorknobs and walkways....there's a depth, a level of understanding and an optimism that is palpable....and really, for now, that's enough evidence for me to present right now. I'm going to bask in this newness, with all the old goodness reminding me that this is exactly the perfect choice.

Which is better to say TOO MUCH, or TOO LITTLE?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

THIS IS SHOW TIME: My Manifesto, on NOT being vanilla, on never being the last to leave and knowing when to take center stage.

There's something that needs to happen right now. I mean, literally right this second.

The other day I was chatting with my friend and I said, "Do you ever feel like you're waiting for your life to START?"
As in; when my life starts I will [fill in the blank], when I finally start [fill in the blank] I'll be better at [fill in the blank], someday I'll [fill in the blank], once [fill in the blank] happens- here's the problem with this sort of thinking- THERE IS NO SOMEDAY, there is no "fill in the blank," there is no "when-this, then-this" scenario.

There isn't a dress rehearsal, a "trial-run," a "30-day test," this is literally all we get- I don't get to re-do my twenties, I don't get to re-do yesterday, I don't get to try that crazy headstand in yoga "someday," I get to fall on my face TODAY. There is no, "I'll tell him later....", there is no, "I'll love her later...when I'm more [fill in the blank]" Love her, today- while you have each other....stop letting imaginary fears suck away your potential for joy; fear will feed off of your insecurities and make a nice cozy, infested home inside of you....imagine what you could fill that space with if you simply renovated?

FILL IN THE BLANK NOW. If it's literally impossible for you to; physically, financially, even emotionally, I get that- those are legitimate reasons; the point is, put into action, removing the things that interfere with your progression- don't accept road blocks as a "way of life", a "way of being," if they're withholding you from your WANTS, from your growth and from you happiness, rent a bulldozer, hire a therapist, yoga your face off until you're that crazy bitch who cries in Child's Pose in the corner. Talk through it, cook through it, work an extra hour, send another resume, ask the question you're afraid of asking, put your balls out there for god sakes.

Admit the truth, challenge your beliefs, challenge their beliefs, ask for MORE, refuse, push back, feel like a fool, do that "thing," start-off on another foot, dust yourself off, question authority, give yourself an inner-monologue.

Follow impulse, MOVE THROUGH DISCOMFORT, look your "right now" directly in the face and welcome it- "right now," may be the courier to your next destination, if you'd simply accept the ticket and take a seat.

I don't get to, "once I'm finally confident enough, I'll......" NO, No, I get to test out "confident enough" TODAY- there is no magical Confidence Fairy that's going to come around and fix all my imperfect bits, personality flaws, jiggly parts, or fill-in awkward silences and whisper in my ear how awesome I am when I start doubting it- she doesn't show up like Glenda in a bubble, with pixie dust and three-wishes, YOU ARE YOUR OWN CONFIDENCE FAIRY, there is no Stage Manager giving you cues and letting you suck at least once so that you can be better "next time," no, no...... THIS is SHOW TIME. Suck less, today.

Sure, I can sit here and say, "Live in the moment," but by saying that it could sound like, "learn how to love your really shitty job that you don't love at all, or wait for Publisher's Clearing House to knock on your door, cringe and yourself in the mirror one more time and just put on a parka, or keep accepting the fact that he's being a douche-hole and voila!" Living in the moment can be misconstrued as laziness, or apathy- if you're truly living in the moment there's action involved. There's active listening, active asking, active acknowledging, active acceptance, active healing and active challenging, mostly of yourself, when a situation or person seems challenging you're smack in the middle of some gooey, delicious, rich growth and ripening. That sentence sounds like the beginning of a food-porn novel, and now I want some bacon dipped in chocolate, but whatever.


Today there are challenges, for me, for you....for US, consider these, right now;
set a standard- something you refuse to accept less than. STOP. BEING. DESPERATE- desperate to succeed, desperate to love, desperate to be loved- desperation has the opposite affect, it splinters the intention into a million directions and never gives you the desired outcome. Ask more questions; be curious about someone, your job, the future- find genuine interest in what/who is in front of you- give them/it the stage. Don't be surly, you are not sour milk- rancid shouldn't be associated with anyone as a personality trait.

Wear your odd-shaped, over-sized, bleeding heart on your sleeve- you know why we don't do that? Because we're afraid to. Because we think "reserved" and "controlled" are appealing to the general "palette" you know what else is preferred by the "general palette?" VANILLA. And, we're afraid people will gag on chocolate-covered-Bing-cherries, with a side of cookie dough. Or, that they'll throw it out.
BE SOMEONES PREFERRED FLAVOR. You don't have to be "everyone's" vanilla.

Stop sneering at people; pretty girls, people that are different than you, people that you're jealous of, jealousy is easy to sniff out. Jealousy just makes you look insecure. Honor girl-code; don't make excuses for sleeping with/texting/emailing, and looking with "intent" in the general fucking direction of someone else's man- there's enough to go around, if he were meant to be with YOU, he would be, so have some respect for yourself and set a standard to not be "that girl," it ain't cute. MAN-UP. Accept responsibility and don't let it overwhelm or crush you under the pressure- redefine "pressure." Stay, when you're about to run.

BELIEVE IN SOMETHING. Anything; Buddha, Christ, Monday night football, morning sex, your lucky rabbit foot- I don't care what it is- just stand, somewhere, firmly, rooted and with open arms.
Be gracious. Try to be less serious for a minute, laugh at the absurdity of it all. Don't be a pushover, nicey-nice is easily replaceable/forgettable. Know when to leave..... this is a gift; don't be the last to show up and don't be the last to say "ciao"- being able to gauge the the temperature of the room is as close as you can get to being psychic.

Assemble a "tribe," every person in it should have their special skills; the friend who opens your eyes, the one who will say "yes," without asking why, the one who has wit that keeps you on your toes, the one who will nurture, the one who will teach, inspire, or defend- a "tribe" has to be DYNAMIC otherwise you'll never survive a winter, a war, a birth, a restoration, or a victory together. REFUSE TO BE ONE DIMENSIONAL.

Will you take center stage? Cause the spotlight is on you baby....the audience is waiting, TODAY.

What are you waiting for??