Monday, May 16, 2011

SET THE WORLD ON FIRE. IT'S A MONDAY, let's shake it up.

I haven't been sleeping well.....

However, despite all of these very odd dreams that are mostly riddled with fears, I woke up with this scribbled next to my bed:


Now, I'm not an arsonist, but I wrote this, because I know thats the powerful that we do when we share, when we write, when we are willing to share GROWTH.

This last week, instead of setting my life on fire, I've allowed my fears to suppress the little flame to a perfectly contained furnace....I don't "do" perfectly contained anything.

My Love went on tour again and after betrayal in the past, the ability to bid him farewell with a long kiss on the lips and a cooler full of snacks for the road wasn't my go-to emotion, FUCK THAT, rather, I wanted to curl inside myself so that I would be portable too- pack me?

And while I am incredibly bendy, fragmenting the pieces of me to fit inside him isn't an option. While Fear was enjoying this chewy piece of discomfort, gnawing the shit out of it and licking the bones raw- my higher voice gave me the only TRUE solution; TRUST HIM. Lower self responds: "ew, sticky, ouchy, I don't like it! my insides want to kick someone! I can't, just give me another What If, to swirl into a nice devastation cocktail, I'm thirsty for more masochism." Clinging. Chained inside my own thoughts, my own illusions.

Our relationship is healthier and happier than it ever could have been had we not gone through the difficult period we did- we are communicating TO each other and not AT each other, he's doing everything he can to make me feel safe and loved and wanted, yet- I can't seem to let go of the fear that I'll have to endure a traumatic blow from his recklessness, despite his unfaltering patience, growth, and devotion to me.

Interesting huh? When you can't let something go, it does the opposite of what you actually want. He shows his dedication to the progress of our relationship and carries the weight of all my dreams, fears, wounds without complaining about how heavy a load that truly is. AH, we're actually. GROWING- truly....scooping out the weeds, so there's room for more, for better, for fucking fantastic.

Right before things are about to change, even in the most positive way, there's a natural instinct to cling to very last layer, to savor its presence, even when you want to be rid of it; fears included.

The thing about clinging is that we FORGET that it's in the letting go that actually allows us to break patterns and move beyond our fears. Easier said than done, when you've been clinging with Super Glue, eh?

Whatever emotion is taking away your life force, we have to remember there is ALWAYS an opposite standing beside it.....

When you're feeling powerless, choose to feel empowered- empowered in spite of whatever it is that is seemingly stripping you of your strength. There is no person, no scenario, no dollar amount, or corporation that can take away your power- its in our minds that we allow our innate powerful nature to be silenced.


Embrace what honors you and say "fuck off" to anything that doesn't (out loud if necessary.)

On my yoga mat the other day, my teacher said, "Now when you're ready (she pauses)....or, let me correct myself, we're always 'ready' we just have to be patient."

I am ready to trust, I just have to patient with my letting go process- I'm ready to find the abundance I'm working so hard for, I just have to be patient- We're always READY, for growth,, for change, for newness, FOR HAPPINESS TO HAPPEN TO US, to go outside our comfort stop. clinging. we just have to be patient, when we finally acknowledge that, change happens, patience dissolves and action occurs.......



Anonymous said...

I am ready love again, to put myself out there, and depend on someone again. It's been a long road but I am finally capable of handling a relationship. Now if Mr. Right would just knock on my door I'd be UBER happy.

Sizzle said...

I've been so internal lately. I feel like I am readying myself for the next growth spurt and meanwhile, rebelling against it enough though I know it has the potential to be awesome. Why do I do that? I am so close to self-acceptance I can taste it.

Just M said...

All I have to say is holy hell Chels. This post couldn't be more on time if I had written it myself. I'm still absolutely freaked out and running is the only answer I can come up with. Staying and standing makes my chest hurt.

Anonymous said...

I so freaking love this. I have been feeling very empowered lately, and just decided to let that extend into my heart. To trust someone, because they reward is worth it. Thank you for encouraging us... that it is.

Unknown said...

*happy sigh* your posts always make me so happy. They open my eyes, kick me in the butt and tell me to get a move on with life or I'm going to miss it.


Jessie Rose said...

I'm ready to finally pursue what I love. I have spent so much time doing what I think is "right" and what others want me to do. I'm ready to listen to my heart and live my own damn life. I don't need anyone to approve of me or my choices, I just need to make them.

I'm ready to be scared, to not have all the answers, to figure things out as I go, to be independent.

Anonymous said...

adore this. it's so incredibly true. this is something that I have been feeling about men. I am READY...but I have noticed that when I toss patience out the window I end up frustrated. Same with weight loss. It has only been when I've stopped trying, admitted I am ready, and gave it room to breathe (like a bottle of red) that the full flavours have come about. Thanks for this. it's great.

Hannah said...

I'm ready to stop wallowing in being unhappy and just enjoy life...even if there isn't some big celebratory event to signal that it's time to do so.

Kaitlin said...

"Whatever emotion is taking away your life force, we have to remember there is ALWAYS an opposite standing beside it."

I really needed to hear this right now. I hang on to every piece of negativity that floats my way - I keep track and continuously punish myself for every fault and imperfection. No longer.

Caitlin @ Candyfloss & Persie said...

I'm ready to embrace a relationship with someone in my family. It's been taxing and hard, and I just want it to improve. :(

The Lewicutt's said...

To trust myself to start my own business. To say "fuck you" to the corporate world.

Anonymous said...

Um, I think you were stalking my thoughts on my walk home tonight because I just had this conversation in my head! It's so easy to just withdraw into your on head, block everyone out and just cling to remnants of the past despite how miserable they make you. I've just learned that it's okay to put yourself out there even if it means you might get also might not ;)

Sarah said...

This is seriously wonderful. Your insights are spot on. I've bee learning the same things- letting go, figuring out forgiveness, trying to be vulnerable- but being patient with my mind and spirit all the while. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being honest!

Anonymous said...

After waiting around for a commitment to take place between the man that I was involved with for a total of three years and myself, I was quite ready and eager for a change of some sort. In actuality, after year one, I was ready-hoping for the strength to rid myself of my immature "first love" experience. However, just as it was mentioned in this post, although I was ready per-say, it was patience that led me my eventual change.

Here's the thing, patience too worked against me. It was during my third and final year of obsessing over my past relationship that I met Mr. perfect-the dependable, kind-hearted, loving man that every female hopes to one day find. The man that will puts his best friend and lover before anything and everything else. Unfortunately, being ready yet not having enough time to mend my heart from my last "relationship" letdown blinded me from seeing what was beyond the best friendship that we had. While he was falling deeper and deeper in love with me each and everyday, I did what seemed logical at the time-protect his heart from enduring what I formerly and currently experienced, by asking for some space. Certainly, I did not want him to become any more invested than he already was, particularly if I were to call a "time out" down the road, and I too was enduring a great deal of pressure as a result, and I needed an escape. What I discovered was that I needed time, time to myself to sort through my emotions, and that required patience. Patience on my end, as well as his. I may have been uncertain about the length of time that I would need to better understand myself and my wants and needs, but I was certain that he would stick those next few months out with me. To my surprise, he did the opposite-replaced me with someone else. So while I came to my senses in just two months- realizing that I do, in fact, love him, there was nothing more devastating than hearing about this other woman at that very same moment. Although I am thankful that patience enabled me make a much needed change-to leave behind my past relationship that had no promising future and allow me to love another, a person that I am much more deserving of, it too left me with yet another broken heart. And now I sit here wondering whether or not patience is again the answer to my dilemma. Should I continue to wait around and see if he realizes what I had realized just a few months ago, seeing as he did, in fact, tell me that he loves me just a few weeks ago, yet remains with his new significant other? Any suggestions?

Tessa G. said...

Good. Letting yourself trust someone can be extremely and excruciatingly difficult, especially when you are confronting it head on with someone who has betrayed you in the past. However, good for you. It is a big step and it can only get better from here. It is always easier to live your life than to cling on every small detail that your boyfriend *might* be doing. If you have an active imagination like I do, this is the worst. You just have to find out how to avoid it.

The media is something I still struggle with; The media has absolutely ruined me in terms of trust. I feel like it isn't all bullshit either, they have to get their ideas from things that actually happen (terrifying). I just feel the more people see what is on TV, the more those actions slip into our own behaviors, or at least a tiny little bit gets wiped off on our mindset.

I always think something is going on and I hate that. I've been with my counterpart for almost two years (living together for over one) and even though he is exactly that, my counterpart, my suspicion is always up, and I really hate that. I'm learning to find the source of that. Most likely, it's 100% me.

I also feel like I've been on the brink of total self acceptance (although are we ever there?!)and new experiences. While this phase in life is almost sobering, it's difficult while being extremely exciting. Making room in your life for the bigger and better generally means something else gets the shove.

I've found one saying hits it on the head for me; "Fake it till you make it." I love investing energy in smiling at people. Even if I'm not totally happy, I flash the set of pearly whites. It's a good start. You will let go of it, trust again, and be better than ever because you are experiencing that human growth we all love to get our paws on ;)

Stereo said...

There’ve been a few bumps in my relationship along the way (bumps meaning colossal mountains requiring harnesses and ropes to traverse) and although we’re in a fantastic place now and have been for a long while, we both still sometimes struggle to completely let go not of the things that happened in the past but the negative feelings that arise when we think about how hard it was back then. We’re both ready to move past all this because the future seems so bright and shiny save for this only small black cloud. But we’re working on it, talking it out, writing it out, making ourselves laugh about it and I think we’ll get there.

love jenny xoxo said...

I realized that I'm ready to be happy and when i'm in a bad mood I have the power to change it :)


Eli said...

this is such a great post, and self reminder to be zen...even though it's so hard and difficult at times to be there, and not project the insecurities of others on yourself. Love can be the best and worst things

Lauryn said...

I'm always impressed by your self awareness, and that's exactly what you need to keep fueling the fire you're talking about. I hope you're able to hold onto these emotions because it sounds like they're already taking you in a positive direction :)

My version of this dilemma is with photography. I tend to let fear of failure consume me instead of accepting where I am now and allowing myself to look forward to learnig and growing and getting better. It's almost like I handicap myself. Bad news bears!

Renee said...

love this post, now I'm ready to conquer the world! xo

hklover86 said...

you are truly an inspirational writer Chelsea! :) Every post of yours leaves me feeling inspired and ready to face the world! Have you ever thought about putting them all into a book?

Courtney Elizabeth said...

I will echo an earlier comment that I am READY to stop wallowing and start living. I have actually been READY for years. I'm still a bit stuck on the HOW.

Unknown said...

FANTASTIC post. I feel like clapping. So very inspiring! Thank you.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

hklover86- thank you so much :) and YES, actually.....that is something that is in the works....hopefully It'll be sooner than later that I can elaborate on that :) so glad you connected with the post! xo

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Olivia said...

This is such a great and inspiring post. Having been a grade A* student my entire 18 years of education, and always over acheiving and exceeding expectations, I am now 21 and leaving Uni - and my biggest fear is that I will fail. At life, at getting the right job, the right career. Now I've realised I have to trust the people who say I can suceed and I am talented, and say Eff You! to the little niggly voices in my head that tell me consistantly I will fail. Maybe thats why I've pushed myself so hard to acheieve, because of those voices? I wont say Eff You to them then, maybe just be quiet ;) Such a great post, thank you.

BrightEyedWashingtonian said...

I love the setting the world on fire quote!!! amazing and inspirational!

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