Thursday, July 28, 2011

Then Something Major happened. AKA Winning. Almost.

Here’s the situation.

...that almost works, just a period, no explanation- just---hey bitch, there’s a situation- that’s it. There is a situation.

The situation is this in a nutshell; I’ve been planning to move to New York City in October with my man candy since June--- mid-Feb of this year, I left my previous job and went back to the world of freelance. For those of you that are all, “Oh freelance! How dreamy! Ponies! Cozy sweatpants and endless creativity all! day! long! SPRITZERS WHILE I’M ON A CLIENT PHONE CALL AND THEY’LL NEVER EVEN KNOWWWWWWWW” yeah, for you guys? Lay off the crack pipe.

It’s more like: What up Morning, what do have for me today ::while you put on your Rocky face and camo gear:: then, feel tempted to do laundry since you’re sitting in your laundry all day, but don’t do the laundry because you have to ACTUALLY WORK, thus you stare at the laundry and start to feel like a hoarder by 2:30, then wonder where the hell your boundless creativity went, the nagging creativity that was begging for you to pay attention to it when you had your last job, where you didn't sit on top of thongs and crunchy sweat pants all day.

So then... you’re all--- FINE. I will lean into the discomfort of my dried up brain and I’ll WORK THROUGH IT. Then you eat some cheese. And watch a YouTube video of Marble Machines, then you cry about Amy Winehouse---but maybe you're not crying about Amy Winehouse, maybe you're crying about yourself? But whatever.

....Meanwhile, you've already applied to 25 jobs, THIS. MORNING. ALONE. Then, you follow up with 10 potential new clients. While also working on your current clients.....interspersed with the other ideas that have yet to make you actual money. Then you write an invoice, then hassle someone who hasn't paid you yet, then you take 4 phone calls that a lot of them, end up wasting your time....

....the whole time you're thinking....this is an investment. This is all worth it.

Then you pitch six thousand ideas and most of the time people are like, “meh?” , then you check and you’re like HOLY BALLS!!! How long can I stretch (insert abysmal amount of coin here) and you’re like, "no, look..." (and you start crying inside, then outside when it’s about 5 and there’s been no progress), I need these ideas to work because it turns out that I have a credit card bill and insurance and rent and a phone bill and you know, normal people shit that needs dealing with---and that last client? Yeah, that only lasted so long, it was a contract, that’s over.....then you remember your mom saying, “Patience is your life lesson” so you sit on the porch and meditate for 6 minutes, then go back to MANICALLY PURSUING SHIT.

....Then you remember some thing, some successful person said to you and DING! generate word of mouth, that’s the KEY! So you start by mouthing off to so many people your mouth hurts, so that they’ll mouth off to their people about how awesome your mouthing off is and boom, tipping point, snowballing, “oh man, I’m so booked---hit me back in a year.” BOOM. (This is unicorn shit, people---this happens somewhere in a land with Chupacabras and fuckin’ unicorns. And a couple other bloggers who we all love--you know who you are, and yes, I’m jealous--but that’s another blog and I love you anyway.)

THEN! SOMETHING! ALMOST HITS! Something really major---the kind of something that Cuba Gooding Jr. was all naked and screaming at Tom Cruise about. And you’re like, finally I don’t have to consider becoming an Atheist! And that “Something” is drawn out for about a year---this really big deal, that you’re really stoked on, YOUR CALLING (angels sing, fairies dance, glitter and absinthe abound!) and you think, after the last 10 years of constant rejection, it has to end at some point? There was a reason you didn’t book Lady Gaga, or Rihanna, or Maroon 5, or why Glamour and Marie Claire and Cosmo and Elle and Self and every magazine on the planet never wanted any of your million stories, or why those twelve business ideas you had bombed like Clear Pepsi and why your book ideas suck balls … was all for this thing, you mini-celebrate inside and Google, “Yacht.” Wee! Take that The Man!

Then, Something Major doesn’t happen.
And you want to die. Which is dramatic, but sort of true. Especially because Something Major has been a whorey little tease knockin’ at your door during dark hours, night after bleak night.

Then, you do your laundry. But only one load, because you want to feel sorry for yourself and drink Gin instead and see how many creative egg and pasta based dinners you can make until your next paycheck comes.

THE SITUATION IS THIS: I don't want to live like this forever. I'm ready and excited to get back to the city and have actually found some opportunities that I would be HAPPY to leave the world of freelancing behind for----excited, even. Free samples at the bakery, kind of excited. I just need to get hired. Or booked. Or....for someone to take a chance on me and the ideas that I know. deeeep, deeeep down are STELLAR.

The Something Major that I wanted so deep in my loins (yeah I said it) hasn't happened yet.....but, Something Major and I will meet eventually. Right?


Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Moment Before the SHOE Drops......

… was mostly about the garden.

The work, the “labor of the day.” Sort of how little kids show off their rainbow colored restaurant menus, as to say “see...I did good right?” It was about approval and proof, that this right here is what I have devoted my body to DOING for the day....with eager approval, a nod, a smile, a “did you see what he did today---gosh it looks amazing.” Followed by a comfortable sigh that you can now relax, your work has been acknowledged, you are valid. The moment before was all about that.

...Actually....the moments before MOST things are all about that. That= the undeniable need to have the people around you smile and say, “you’re doing good Kid.” Permission to breathe. To put down the flogging fists and hug yourself instead. Yes, I said hug yourself, you snarkhole.

….the moment before was when the day was just, “okay.” The moment before things were, “oh....ya know, same ‘ol same ‘ol.” Exasperated. Uninspired. Routine. Arguably, imperfect.

You wish you would’ve cleared out your inbox, or come up with something “more interesting” to make for dinner.....that you would have run an extra twenty minutes, or remembered to call your best friend, that you would have IMPLEMENTED.MORE.EFFECTIVE. TIME. MANAGEMENT. (you failure, you get one pass, but tomorrow-you have to do it BETTER tomorrow, says the Internal Monologue)---it’s the daily, unwinding of that “what could I have done better today.....” that we’re usually caught up in the ‘moment before.’

We’re fixated on the cracks, the pieces that are chipping and we’re scrubbing out the imperfections--- we’re watching with a close eye, we’re planning ahead as a consolation for the “imperfect” today, false hope for a better “tomorrow....”

….then, something happens---the something that forces you, abruptly from the seat of your chair, the fight or flight, the feeling of emotional attack- because you aren’t sure how to react any other way, so you pace back and forth and your body responds by shaking, shaking away the “ouch” that is inevitably about to settle in. The moment before, it was all about the garden, the “meh” day, the “I didn’t do my best....” and now, the moment, says, “HEY. Life. it’s fragile. All that shit? That shit doesn’t matter.....why does it always take ::this:: to remind you?”

A couple weeks ago My Love lost a family member, suddenly, tragically----too soon, you know? The way it happens. Too soon. Unfairly. And the following weeks have been a series of deliberately AWARE, moments. Like unfolding the sheer, gossamery wings of a butterfly, suddenly keenly IN-TUNE with that fact that, THESE. BREAK. That person you love? They break too.

We all do it---it’s our way of “surviving,” most of the time. The sort of, “better, stronger, faster, more....” it’s the engine, that keeps chugging away, driving us into the abyss of the GLOSSY, PERFECT, “FUTURE.” We sleep too little, we worry too much, we over-plan, under-do, OVER-DO, we forget---that we’re breakable. That we have a number, with our name on it and we aren’t standing in a line, but in a big old pool....with no clear indication when it’ll be our time.

….there will always be “the moment before....” but how are you going to BE IN IT?

Will you be, PRESENT-- proud? Kind with yourself for the day that you’ve HAD, even if it wasn’t the day you’d envisioned? It’s the only one you’ve got, kiddo.

Will you finally take that extra step, the leap, the "someday," and the "later?" WILL YOU FINALLY DO THE THINGS YOU SAY SO DESPERATELY YOU WANT TO DO? Or will you sit, whining, at the back of the bus, letting someone else drive it---apathetically, unthankful with the "cards you've been dealt." Cause guess what? You've only got this one deck, so you may as well play it.

Will you be fixated on the extra 10 pounds? The extra hour you need to put in at work? If the “moments before” are a series of guilt-ridden, self-loathing, disappointment, lack-focused, future-focused, unaware, ungrateful---you aren’t just in ‘moments’ you’re in your MOMENT, the one you’ve been waiting for---the moments before a tragedy, a shift, a LOSS, you aren’t aware that these may be YOUR last moments too......

How you gonna live it baby? Moment. to. Moment. Makes the whole picture. With gratitude today my Dreamers.