Monday, August 22, 2011

On not being such a bitch and Embracing Opposition.

I've always been disciplined with my thoughts......clear, certain and unwavering.

When I was 17 I was a Monster, just laser focus....I wasn't wishy-washy about my future or overly invested in which college I was going to....I didn't attach myself to relationships and circumstances, I had one goal. one idea and absolutely nothing, (love/family included) that would hold me back from that.

I was on a strict diet, the word BREAD didn't even touch my brain-- let alone touch my lips. I would sing in my bathroom until my vocal chords bled, until I could hit a note perfectly....and consistently. I woke up, did my homeschooling, went to the gym, went to dance (or acting, or singing lessons...or all three) then I would curl into my first loves arms around 12am, while cradling an Atkins Bar and a To-Do list. I was fucking serious.

......five years later. I was worn out. I'd flogged myself internally with the belief that "you are not 'good enough,' unless someone else says so...." I wanted my power back.

Then, one day, I decided.....I'm going to try to be KINDER to myself. ::Sometimes cupcakes are "okay":: sort of kind. The sort of kind that didn't wake up in a sheer panic if I slept past 9am on a Sunday morning, because the guilt I'd induced upon myself to be "disciplined" was so demanding. I started becoming the kind of kind that said, "Hey....its okay if you dont feel like hustling a goddamn movie, eat something fried in butter, stop overanalyzing your future, say fuck it, maybe even stop talking shit about your hair..."

Slowly but surely I started feeling less and less hateful towards myself for not being "perfect."
Note, slowly. but. surely. I was not an eager beaver sprinting in the race towards "Self-Love." I kicked and screamed and clung to the shreds of fear that said "...but, but, if I'm NICE to myself, I'll become lazy?"

I was terrified of accepting the reality that either way---whether you torture yourself or let it be, certain things in life are out of your hands. Gripping onto anything will end up suffocating it.

So...I started being kind, I tried new jobs, I left L.A., I traveled without worrying that I'd "miss a job opportunity," I even started allowing myself to consider the reality that perhaps, I wanted MORE than all of this; I wanted family? A serious relationship? To actually feel.....validated and accepting of myself, MORE than I wanted the approval from anyone else. I wanted A WHOLE life. Not just a couple shiny statement pieces that went back in a drawer at the end of the evening---mama wants the whole damn ball.

Honestly- I'm still struggling with reversing the thoughts that I've weaved into my DNA, about what it means to "want it all.." about what you have to sacrifice for "career," about what "happiness" looks like....My Love said the other day you have to "start where your feet are planted." When the root of your soul from the INSIDE out is taken care of, the outside inevitably changes.

All I can say is this; watch the story you play in your head----does is look like the one you actually WANT? Are you receiving yourself within the way that you'd hope others would on the outside....?

Watch your thoughts. Watch them, Chelsea Belle..... it doesn't matter if you decide to get married tomorrow, or to flee to India---these choices are yours-- no path is permanent, try them all.

Embrace the opposition within yourself and use it as a roadmap. Protect that precious brain and fill it with thoughts that ELEVATE your heart to the highest.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

The only reason we withhold from expressing our AUTHENTIC selves, is because we think, IF we choose to express them, there’s a chance...we won’t be received with a warm heart, open arms and gentle understanding. Whether its from OURSELVES, or the people around us-- If we knew, with unwavering certainty, that people would be KIND, our ability to live in harmony with our all of our choices, would be much more uncomplicated....and fluid. Yes, I'm talking to you.


Are your thoughts working WITH YOU or AGAINST YOU??