Monday, August 22, 2011

On not being such a bitch and Embracing Opposition.

I've always been disciplined with my thoughts......clear, certain and unwavering.

When I was 17 I was a Monster, just laser focus....I wasn't wishy-washy about my future or overly invested in which college I was going to....I didn't attach myself to relationships and circumstances, I had one goal. one idea and absolutely nothing, (love/family included) that would hold me back from that.

I was on a strict diet, the word BREAD didn't even touch my brain-- let alone touch my lips. I would sing in my bathroom until my vocal chords bled, until I could hit a note perfectly....and consistently. I woke up, did my homeschooling, went to the gym, went to dance (or acting, or singing lessons...or all three) then I would curl into my first loves arms around 12am, while cradling an Atkins Bar and a To-Do list. I was fucking serious.

......five years later. I was worn out. I'd flogged myself internally with the belief that "you are not 'good enough,' unless someone else says so...." I wanted my power back.

Then, one day, I decided.....I'm going to try to be KINDER to myself. ::Sometimes cupcakes are "okay":: sort of kind. The sort of kind that didn't wake up in a sheer panic if I slept past 9am on a Sunday morning, because the guilt I'd induced upon myself to be "disciplined" was so demanding. I started becoming the kind of kind that said, "Hey....its okay if you dont feel like hustling a goddamn movie, eat something fried in butter, stop overanalyzing your future, say fuck it, maybe even stop talking shit about your hair..."

Slowly but surely I started feeling less and less hateful towards myself for not being "perfect."
Note, slowly. but. surely. I was not an eager beaver sprinting in the race towards "Self-Love." I kicked and screamed and clung to the shreds of fear that said "...but, but, if I'm NICE to myself, I'll become lazy?"

I was terrified of accepting the reality that either way---whether you torture yourself or let it be, certain things in life are out of your hands. Gripping onto anything will end up suffocating it.

So...I started being kind, I tried new jobs, I left L.A., I traveled without worrying that I'd "miss a job opportunity," I even started allowing myself to consider the reality that perhaps, I wanted MORE than all of this; I wanted family? A serious relationship? To actually feel.....validated and accepting of myself, MORE than I wanted the approval from anyone else. I wanted A WHOLE life. Not just a couple shiny statement pieces that went back in a drawer at the end of the evening---mama wants the whole damn ball.

Honestly- I'm still struggling with reversing the thoughts that I've weaved into my DNA, about what it means to "want it all.." about what you have to sacrifice for "career," about what "happiness" looks like....My Love said the other day you have to "start where your feet are planted." When the root of your soul from the INSIDE out is taken care of, the outside inevitably changes.

All I can say is this; watch the story you play in your head----does is look like the one you actually WANT? Are you receiving yourself within the way that you'd hope others would on the outside....?

Watch your thoughts. Watch them, Chelsea Belle..... it doesn't matter if you decide to get married tomorrow, or to flee to India---these choices are yours-- no path is permanent, try them all.

Embrace the opposition within yourself and use it as a roadmap. Protect that precious brain and fill it with thoughts that ELEVATE your heart to the highest.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

The only reason we withhold from expressing our AUTHENTIC selves, is because we think, IF we choose to express them, there’s a chance...we won’t be received with a warm heart, open arms and gentle understanding. Whether its from OURSELVES, or the people around us-- If we knew, with unwavering certainty, that people would be KIND, our ability to live in harmony with our all of our choices, would be much more uncomplicated....and fluid. Yes, I'm talking to you.


Are your thoughts working WITH YOU or AGAINST YOU??


Nicole said...

I'm never not left happy or inspired by your posts. I eat them up like they're cupcakes laced with a wisdom that I have yet to find.

I have been trying to be kinder to myself and in the process making my thoughts kinder and in that time I've applied for and got into a great university, am meeting new people everywhere and putting my negative thoughts deep into my brain because all that space is about to be filled with mountains of education. I'm genuinely excited for my new chapter in life even though it secretly is terrifying but after all I've been through this should be a cake walk.

Thank you for being so awesome Chelsea!

missy. said...

Funny I'm going through this exact same thing right now.

Thanks for sharing, I'm definitely trying to be kinder to myself.


Emily said...

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

- Walt Whitman.

It's the decision making process that I have a vastly more difficult time executing.

Mel's Art Buffet said...

Thank you, I needed that! :)

Micah said...

Excellent post. I'm definitely going to be thinking about this for awhile. I need to be nicer to myself too (to make up for all the people who are NOT nice to me).

Amanda Blair said...

I've also been trying to be kinder to myself and stop the useless worry of what "everyone else thinks" and instead let what I think matter. I've also defined myself by a guy, one not even worthy, for a very long time and I've finally stopped doing that. Discovering who I am without the want of his approval has been really fun, although sometimes hard. This is such a great post and I read a really great quote concering women having it all and it made me think of you..."I don't want [women} ever to think they have to have it all. I think that's a revolting concept. It's so false! Sometimes you'll have some things, and sometimes you'll have other things. And you do not need it all at once; it's not good for you". Emma Thompson. I thought that was kind of beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I see you as a very active young woman, busy in body and mind,and a sort of selective perfectionist.An artist, frustrated, at the least,because you don't know you are overwhelmingly Blessed.YOu don't believe that because you don't believe in , or even know about such things, as Blessed.You are one who is quite determined,but still floundering to please everyone,yet not admitting that you really only need to please yourself, Oh and God, because everyone knows that, if you don't ,you will never find the fame that should be yours..You hope that, one day, you will not clean anything, ever again.That there will be invisible servents and a loving husband and,maybe two perfect little girl twins, who never get dirty, and never do naughty things.Cuz, if they did, the Nanny might have to punish them.You couldn't and wouldn't, because they would be too cute.They would be soooo spoiled and annoying, but you wouldn't care,because you would also be a FAMOUS Singer/songwriter,with adoring fans and life would be like being in Heaven..Lol!But, everyone who meets you, instantly falls in love with you.You don't even get the hugeness of your being, so never settle for less than the whole enchilada!<3

Eleanor at Mirror Of My World said...

chelsea... i have friends who were so focused on their weight and eating and being perfect that they forgot what mattered. thank you for sharing these beautiful thoughts. you are a very gifted writer. xxxx

San said...

Very, very true. Thank you for this.

hungryandfrozen said...

Chelsea this was such a good post, I always like your honesty. My brain and the thoughts it puts out can SO be (yes, cliche) my own worst enemy, but reading this was like reading one of those horoscopes where you're like "ooh spooky that so relates to what's happening right now."

Tina L. Hook said...

I absolutely can relate to this.

I find I am kinder to myself in my thirties. And it was when I fully understood how to be kind to myself that I met a kind husband.

Following you on twitter via flgirlmidwest.

Larissa said...

Being kind to ourselves is very important, especially as artists. and it's so hard. we have to be the disciplinary and the comforter. glad you keep yourself in check!

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Phoenix said...

Goddammit, girl, I really, really, REALLY needed to read this post today.

Thank you - from the bottom of my perfectionist heart.

Fizzgig said...

One of my most favorite teachers, wayne dyer always says, thoughts become things. I guess I always thought it was hokey until I heard him talk about love. And how love is nothing but a feeling and a thought, made up of memories. It has a powerful impact on you, so what do you think negative thoughts can do?

great post! Its important to fill our minds with more positive thoughts for ourselves!

JMH said...

I may have commented here before, but I don't remember. If not, I'm Jon. It's been between a few and several months I've been reading.

Everyone: Hello, Jon.

Anyhow, your writing is so intense, so full of energy, not five hours worth, but maybe two and a half, like we split one of those.

So I appreciate it is what I'm saying. Keep on doing it. You know, as if you can help it.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

fizzgig-I ADORE Wayne Dyer-- funny story, we were on a family vacation in Maui and ran into twice, my Dad and him chatted about spirituality for awhile and then he brought his new movie by our hotel for us and gave us a copy. It was really an amazing encounter!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

JMH- HI Jon :) Your comment made me smile, i'll keep on keepin' on, thanks mister!

Quay Po Cooks said...

We are what we think. You are so young but you are so wise!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

quay po cooks- Well thank you so much :)!

Paula said...

I love this post! It is so important to be kind to yourself. :)

Autumn @ Autumn All Along said...

I love this. Thanks for sharing it. It's so funny because you are writing so many thoughts I have had to realize here lately.

JJ said...

Love this !

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