Thursday, September 22, 2011

Butterflies. Booze. and HOLY SHIT SO MUCH IS CHANGING.

On my way to see My Love the other day I noticed a group of girls, about eight or nine years old....skipping alongside a reservoir, picture perfect really--- I loved that they had time to skip, I remembered having that time, what it was be joyful enough to just skip, unprovoked.

….these little ones, skipping, were holding a net. Probably for bugs, or fish....or maybe, for butterflies. I was charmed by that idea.

The idea that when you leave your house, you will encounter a butterfly and that butterfly will willingly, settle into your net, long enough for you to marvel at it.

I loved the optimism of it all...... capturing a butterfly, with no door, no motivation or expectation- no way to cage it in, just for a moment, to marvel and let it go.

Sort of what we do in life right? Look for something delicate and miraculous, something so fancy and unique and utterly beautiful, so we can hold it in our hands, open palms and just hope that it stays.

It’s been interesting. This change.

I heard my inner voice fighting without my rationale, “But I still love him” and gently, like a a schoolteacher placing her hands on top of your tiny ones, fumbling and frustrated trying to your laces, my Other Voice said, “Then, love him.”

Then, love him. that’s what I did. Just, loved him--with no real place of belonging for that love to land. Just, Open heart, flexible mind...sort of love.

I spend so much time PLOTTING life-- writing lists, planning the next step, plotting “the way.” Almost, like I’m trying to find a loophole so that everything can go the way that I planned it, instead of they way fate plans it. Dodging under beams and ladders. Starting with a running leap. Anything to just make sure there’s no mishaps.

...then you realize, life happens to you. it HAPPENS to you, whether you’re plotting, dodging, scheming, or not. It just. happens.

Let it... (Ohhh, HA! so that’s surrender, gotcha Lesson.)

Then, the way the new pieces fit into your life will feel less clunky, less awkward---they’ll settle into their due time, of course. You’ll walk around holding all this New in your hands, thinking, “what in the fuck do I do with this? I don’t know where to put this.” Until,’ll decide to replace certain pieces and it’ll feel like surgery, it’ll feel like sticky, reluctant excavation...but you’ll do it anyway. To free up your hands.

Life is shifting in the most bittersweet and beautiful way...... and all I can hope, is that I’m here palms up, open, ready for my Butterfly to land. That’s what I wish for you.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

The Saddest Goodbye......

It's swiftly dividing up your Life can be, when everything becomes Yours and Mine, and Ours isn't an approved possessive anymore.

In hindsight, we both knew. We just knew how hard it was going to be to finally walk out, the courage hadn't matured strongly enough, yet to fight through it.

It was about 6 weeks.....6 weeks, where I looked at him differently, every time we did anything, trying to etch it into my brain, burn it so deep that it would never leave.....since I knew, eventually it would. Silly things, ya know? The fuzz on his tummy, the shapes of his toes..... the sound he made when he put his nose on top of my head, taking me in. I watched my brain move through memories of his stories and ideas, our dreams together, and I grasped, hand over hand....trying to bottle them up, somewhere safe. Preserved.

This time, it's different. There was a very clear point, when we both new we had to let each We walked away knowing we'd literally given each other every inch. No regrets.

I watched my cigarette burn down, my eyes full to the brim, flooded with overwhelming ache...... "Can I please stay here tonight?"

We both wanted one more evening, where we could act as if we still belonged to each other. One more night, one more morning with sleepy heads nestled into one more coffee run, one more nightcap before everything changed.

I held him in the dark, heart pulsing, shaking, our bodies fitting perfectly- the way they did....
"I feel so empty, I feel so dead."

In the way he always knew how to calm me, "Chels, you're more alive than ever. You're more ALIVE than ever." The rawness of my pain was so clearly, LIVING, breathing on the surface of me...throbbing, accessible, conscious.

"Everything in my future has you in it.... I don't want us to be done." Time always stopped together....I felt, if I just kept holding on, we'd never be apart. We were planning things, always- we were moving in October, to a new state...we'd met our "Someday" family, in our dreams...we already liked them, welcomed them...their tiny toes and their feistiness. I couldn't let them go.


He said to me, while I hid myself inside of his arms, the ones I thought were made specifically for me. He was right, this was my Dream...he was my dream, and now....I had to walk away, knowing with my entire heart that we did every. single. thing we could.....some circumstances are just, unchangeable.

I have the whole Universe inside of me.....and one beautiful love story, that has strengthened my heart, opened me to the most vulnerable place- changed me, irreversibly.

We packed up my things, working together-- silently in sync.... detached still from the profound sadness that had now began to augment our lives.

"Promise me, you'll never feel alone.... you'll never look at the phone and think that there's no one on the other end to call."

He was, is, my Person. He said to me once, "Our souls have seen each other" and I know that they have, to the deepest capacity.

When I was sad, he'd say "I see you." When I was defeated, he'd say, "You love yourself....remember?" He'd known me...he knew my layers and how to remind me of them, when I'd forgotten and I knew his.

We sat there, on the bed, our bed---eating pizza, more for the activity than the nourishment....and he lifted his glass, piercing into me with those perfect blue eyes," our overwhelming success."
It was what he'd always said to me when we toasted. Finally, it actually made sense.
We, were successful. We love(d) so deep, so selflessly, cosmically.... we tried. We grew. We sacrificed.

As we divided our things into His and Mine....I knew, there was one thing that would never be divided, apparently....souls can't do that.

So.....My Love, as you will always be to me, here's to teaching me how big my heart actually is, to how magnificent it is to feel that love reciprocated and to our journey, together and now apart....

....I will love you. Cheers, to our overwhelming success.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Photo Cred: Le Love

It’s important to sit. To waste time. To give your thoughts breathing room.

To having “wasting time” be a goal.

To feel the weight of it all. To feel sadness and aches, for no reason....when everything is perfect. And then, to be jolted like a slingshot into joy when it flashes across you. Wildly, unexpectedly...the surprise guest, the kind you wear your party dress for...hoping they’ll come again soon.

Bask. Mope. Drag your feet, deliberately.

Nimbly tracing, with the tips of your fingers, all the way to the end of the rope, where the fraying first began- inch, by inch. Don’t skip a moment.

Pace. Play it on repeat. Pay attention to the detours and not just the destination.

Feel sorry for yourself, silently. Ride it out.

Demand tears to come, not “if necessary,” but always necessary. Insist on hammering it out.

Lay on the floor, for an indefinite amount of time. In every room of the house. Sit in the shower....draw smiley faces on door and watch them drip.

Drift off. To sleep. To that room in your brain that you haven’t explored yet. To nostalgia, where you've convinced yourself "things were better."

Watch yourself cry in the mirror. Notice a new way in which your face moves and wonder how many people know that specific way in which it moves and think of it any time they hear your name. Associate yourself with that face....tell yourself a sad story. Imagine conversations, that haven't happened.

Stare into your coffee cup. Let your eyes tell a story, so you don't have to keep repeating it....your brain already does enough of that.

Do less for awhile.

Regret the Tipping Point. You know there would be one....eventually... you just rolled the dice.

There's never enough time, is there?

Drink too much. Have a marathon day. Do less for awhile, so you feel less guilty about DOING IT ALL.

Admit you need tending. Forgive yourself, for knowing all along.

Ignore nothing.

Wake up. Put your hands, over your heart...... and remember, It's all going to be okay. Every single thing.