Tuesday, November 22, 2011

On being positively irresponsible and healthily selfish. There's also a Tiger involved.

I feel different.

It’s funny…. The days you think you’re supposed to feel different aren’t usually the days you do. Your birthday, usually just feels like another day and every year Christmas, Thanksgiving and Halloween inch further and further away from feeling special, especially without serious planning and allotted time for tradition and childlike enthusiasm (all of which seem to need a calendar date, otherwise they won’t happen.)

The days you’re supposed to feel a significant change aren’t real days, because change is subtle.

I was aware of the drastic changes that were happening but I was in emotional denial. Sure, I had played them out- I prepared, I packed, I said goodbye- but I wasn’t mindful of all the shifting beneath the surface. I didn’t foresee the emotional tectonic plates that were turning me into an entirely new continent and how much of me was subtly integrated into all of the details, the details that make up the BIG THINGS and by “how much” I mean…..everything. My entire makeup was defined by this lifestyle I’d created and I had gone so far away from what made me feel…..powerful and alive, for the sake of feeling secure and needed, that I’m now realizing what that means: there’s a lot of extra energy is inside of me.

There isn’t any “We,” there’s just a Me and when it’s just a YOU, you’re also the only one responsible for taking care of how you’re feeling. There isn’t a fallback, a default, an excuse- for lack of a better term, to not be doing everything in your power to FEED your happiness. To not binge on blissing the fuck out.

It’s all up to you sister. All that extra energy wants your attention….so what are you going to do with it?

Well let me tell you, I’m going to embrace it, recognize its force- which to be honest, is a little frightening at times- it’s like raising a house cat, then feeding it some Wheaties and realizing it’s a Tiger. But, despite not knowing what to do with a fucking Tiger, I will feel through every cell of my body what it means to be self sustaining, positively irresponsible, untethered, self- reliant. Selfish. Yeah, go on now Child, be a little selfish- it’s okay. You’re not a bad person.

In fact, I say INDULGE, INDULGE, INDULGE- in staying up too late, in reckless flirtation, in taking your time, in giving mixed signals because you like green and red, in holding cards, in lingering, in calling the shots, in tables set for one, in knowing YOUR decision is the right one and decisiveness can be quite a rush, in Pinot Noir, in Girlfriends Only time, in listening to a new story, in calling when I feel like it, in going for it….all of it.

I will indulge because I’ve just discovered that there’s been this bounty in front of me while I was busy foraging for food, on the wrong property. Thing is, this isn’t specific to LOVE this is specific to Living.

EXPECT MORE FROM PEOPLE and the energy they carry, bring, share- because making excuses for them won’t actually help them find their subtle shifts, the ones they need and you need, to wake up. To step up to version Rad.0 (mhm.) When there’s a million things on your to-do list, manage your extra oomph appropriately- surround it with the vibey responsiveness it deserves and you will sustain it. Notes, to self Chels.

But really, since I do have a thing for the L word….I feel different because I realize this….

….being in LOVE doesn’t have to be exclusive to being with A love, if you recognize that you are love.


Energy channeled.

When was the last time you felt "different...." and why?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pay attention to your instinct. You've ALWAYS known....alternate title: I cannot be tamed and other wild things.

“What is not as it appears? What do I know that I wish I did not know? What of me has been killed or lays dying?”

You know those moments when you read something and it sort of makes your heart skip a beat? The ::gasp:: happens. Then, the “Oh fuck” stomach drop hits like a sucker punch? You know the times. The times when you understand why ignorance is bliss and you’re pissed that you can’t just remain fucking blissful? Yeah, well.

When I read that sentence, from Women Who Run with the Wolves- a book that, in my opinion, needs to be on the bookshelf of every woman, (especially the ones seeking to live free, wildly, BRIGHTLY)- I literally set the book down and decided to process, the way you grieve and mourn- visceral and rapidly.

For the most part- this whole breakup, I’ve dealt with gracefully. I’ve been respectful and supportive, put his needs in front of mine…I've been trekking up the HIGH. ROAD. Wearing shiny sunglasses, peering onward and West, sans rearview mirror. I was everything I’ve needed to be for the both of us, to transition into this new period with dignity and acceptance….. so yeah, all of that happened- then somewhere between a bottle of wine and Saturday night mass emails to friends about how/why we’ve broken up, my inner resentment and I had a little TALK. A little come to Jesus, if you will. Spoken through a megaphone entitled, “Pinot Noir and Truffle Fries.”

There were things that were happening between us that I’d let myself say, “this too shall pass…” To say any of the reasons why we split came out of “left field” and sneak attacked me, would be playing the victim card and that’s not my gig. That would be a lie that I told myself to cope and frankly, I don’t have time for nonsense and lying anymore. There were things that I’d convinced myself would be “okay forever, till death do us part,” things that, in hindsight, are so far from okay the Old Me looks like she’s heavy on the crack pipe. Somewhere between acknowledging all of that and opening my inbox on Saturday night, to glass number three of my good friend Pinot- I realized, boo. Devil- I was so. Goddamn. Angry.

I wasn’t angry at him- in fact, I was the exact opposite. I was still proud and loving and maternal as every towards him. Him and I are still healthy and fantastic, no regrets. I still want him to be wildly, happy. I was….. angry at myself.

Angry at myself for getting THAT FAR AWAY FROM MY CENTER.

Angry at myself for not listening to what my intuition had told me all along. Not just one thing that I’d ignored, but a series of things. I was angry that my brain had loved someone so intensely that I was willing to accept something that, even in my happiest moments, I knew would eventually leave me sucked dry that to the point of needing him to continue. I was angry that I’d let myself love someone so hard, that I may not be able to actually care about ANYONE like that, to that capacity, with that optimism and faith….ever again.

The remnants of that betrayal towards myself all sort of…rose to the surface this weekend.

I realized; you know what Chelsea Belle, right now- you're worth letting someone worry about you, take care of you, show adoration and excitement in YOU. Let them open doors, let them chase, let them see that you aren't here to be tamed, but you're willing to let them run alongside you-- if they can keep up.

Forgive yourself for staying longer than you should, for wishing it was going to be something that it wasn't, for seeing ALL THE SIGNS and doing it anyway. For turning a blind eye, for compromising too much, for giving it all away. Ease your instinct back out of it's cave, because you need it.

Listen to yourself. PAY. FUCKING. ATTENTION. Question their motives and as much as you want to give your heart freely, be cautious of who you give it to. Not to say that I have regrets, because I do not- but this next time around, I will be alert. Demanding of honesty. Of utmost respect and transparency.

The core of our spirits have this incredible system that senses red flags, warns you of danger, stops you in your tracks. Don’t be silly with that Center that’s trying to protect you- recklessness is only so much fun, then your heart gets in the way and it’s brutal.

Forgive yourself for knowing, for sensing danger and running head first anyway. Revisit the parts of you that you let DIE and bring them back to life, because you can.

Instinct. Your feminine nature that just knows. EMBRACE THESE THINGS. My wild women. Run with the wolves again.

What part of yourself are you not listening to???