Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pay attention to your instinct. You've ALWAYS known....alternate title: I cannot be tamed and other wild things.

“What is not as it appears? What do I know that I wish I did not know? What of me has been killed or lays dying?”

You know those moments when you read something and it sort of makes your heart skip a beat? The ::gasp:: happens. Then, the “Oh fuck” stomach drop hits like a sucker punch? You know the times. The times when you understand why ignorance is bliss and you’re pissed that you can’t just remain fucking blissful? Yeah, well.

When I read that sentence, from Women Who Run with the Wolves- a book that, in my opinion, needs to be on the bookshelf of every woman, (especially the ones seeking to live free, wildly, BRIGHTLY)- I literally set the book down and decided to process, the way you grieve and mourn- visceral and rapidly.

For the most part- this whole breakup, I’ve dealt with gracefully. I’ve been respectful and supportive, put his needs in front of mine…I've been trekking up the HIGH. ROAD. Wearing shiny sunglasses, peering onward and West, sans rearview mirror. I was everything I’ve needed to be for the both of us, to transition into this new period with dignity and acceptance….. so yeah, all of that happened- then somewhere between a bottle of wine and Saturday night mass emails to friends about how/why we’ve broken up, my inner resentment and I had a little TALK. A little come to Jesus, if you will. Spoken through a megaphone entitled, “Pinot Noir and Truffle Fries.”

There were things that were happening between us that I’d let myself say, “this too shall pass…” To say any of the reasons why we split came out of “left field” and sneak attacked me, would be playing the victim card and that’s not my gig. That would be a lie that I told myself to cope and frankly, I don’t have time for nonsense and lying anymore. There were things that I’d convinced myself would be “okay forever, till death do us part,” things that, in hindsight, are so far from okay the Old Me looks like she’s heavy on the crack pipe. Somewhere between acknowledging all of that and opening my inbox on Saturday night, to glass number three of my good friend Pinot- I realized, boo. Devil- I was so. Goddamn. Angry.

I wasn’t angry at him- in fact, I was the exact opposite. I was still proud and loving and maternal as every towards him. Him and I are still healthy and fantastic, no regrets. I still want him to be wildly, happy. I was….. angry at myself.

Angry at myself for getting THAT FAR AWAY FROM MY CENTER.

Angry at myself for not listening to what my intuition had told me all along. Not just one thing that I’d ignored, but a series of things. I was angry that my brain had loved someone so intensely that I was willing to accept something that, even in my happiest moments, I knew would eventually leave me sucked dry that to the point of needing him to continue. I was angry that I’d let myself love someone so hard, that I may not be able to actually care about ANYONE like that, to that capacity, with that optimism and faith….ever again.

The remnants of that betrayal towards myself all sort of…rose to the surface this weekend.

I realized; you know what Chelsea Belle, right now- you're worth letting someone worry about you, take care of you, show adoration and excitement in YOU. Let them open doors, let them chase, let them see that you aren't here to be tamed, but you're willing to let them run alongside you-- if they can keep up.

Forgive yourself for staying longer than you should, for wishing it was going to be something that it wasn't, for seeing ALL THE SIGNS and doing it anyway. For turning a blind eye, for compromising too much, for giving it all away. Ease your instinct back out of it's cave, because you need it.

Listen to yourself. PAY. FUCKING. ATTENTION. Question their motives and as much as you want to give your heart freely, be cautious of who you give it to. Not to say that I have regrets, because I do not- but this next time around, I will be alert. Demanding of honesty. Of utmost respect and transparency.

The core of our spirits have this incredible system that senses red flags, warns you of danger, stops you in your tracks. Don’t be silly with that Center that’s trying to protect you- recklessness is only so much fun, then your heart gets in the way and it’s brutal.

Forgive yourself for knowing, for sensing danger and running head first anyway. Revisit the parts of you that you let DIE and bring them back to life, because you can.

Instinct. Your feminine nature that just knows. EMBRACE THESE THINGS. My wild women. Run with the wolves again.

What part of yourself are you not listening to???


Mikael said...

Your posts tend to leave me thinking, Chelsea. LOVE!
I just recently started going back to my intuition rather than going with emotions. They can be really blinding as you've noted.
This book you mention... I may have to check it out.
Thanks for the great post and sharing a part of your moving forward with us!

Unknown said...

Definitely want to read that book.

I tend to get caught up in the stress of what I'm doing & don't see as much of the good stuff or listen to the part of me that just wants to enjoy the things. I do try to make it a point to pay attention to what my insides are telling me though.

Great post, you are gorgeous in every way, lady.

Stephenie Zamora said...

From "You're worth letting someone worry about you, take care of you, show adoration and excitement in YOU." to the very end. EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm in the midst of my own breakup and I am so angry. But same as you, I'm angry at myself for staying so long, expecting it to change and wishing he was different. For not trusting my intuition. Love, love, love these words. You are phenomenal. Loads of love, xoxo

Alissa said...

This is an amazing read. I found myself shaking my head in agreement throughout the entire post. I will definitely be picking up a copy of that book!

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Habbala said...

Here's what I've learned: sometimes we need to make the mistake of ignoring out intuition in relationships, and hoping without any grasp of reality that things will be different and that I can be reason enough for him to change. When it doesn't work it crushes us romantics in a severe way BUT lovers love and you'll love again... You'll love better. It's how we work Chels. Who knows where you'll be in a year. A year ago I was painfully single and in a crappy on-again-off- again "thing" with a guy in LA. Now? Well, right this second Miles is curled up on my chest making his sweet sleepy baby noises. My heart didnt even know it was possible to love this much.

Newlyweds on a Budget said...

I had an ex that left me reeling like that. After I got over the sad phase, I turned to the angry phase. I was mad that I had loved so hard.

I am so proud of myself for being strong enough to let go, because if I hadn't, I would have never met my husband, whom I believe is the most wonderful man. Our love is different, but it is so much better.

I hope you too reach this point.

Unknown said...

this post is pefection. All your posts always seem to come in at the right time. xoxoxo Luvs,

kelly summers said...

Excellent post. I've definitely found myself in that place before. Or rather I saw that I had been in that place afterward. That book is not something I would ever pick out for myself, but after reading the first couple pages off amazon, I think it will be something that stretches me and forces me to get introspective. Thanks for the recommendation and the wise words.

Ashley said...

This is exactly what I've been feeling only written far better than anything I have been able to write. I can't even properly express how much I loved this post.

Jenn said...

"you aren't here to be tamed"

eff to the yes.

love you sugar.

Please Don't Eat With Your Mouth Open said...

There are two posts on my blog, both signalling unreasonably painful break ups. They're both titled "Instinct".

I maintain that you always know. When you're with someone, deep down, in the pit of your stomach, there's always a feeling that tells you the truth about the person you're falling for or with.

We never pay attention to it the first time round, but when the same signs start appearing the next time, you'll act on it.

Relying on instinct won't make a break up any less painful, but it will make you less angry at yourself in the long run.


Brandy said...

You always perfectly capture what all of us gals are feeling. I love it.

Next time I'm in LA I definitely want in on the pinot and truffle fries.

NotSoZen said...


I admire you immensely... to be so introspective at your age. It will serve you well. Trust me, you do NOT want to be 40, reading blogs like this and having them resonate. (but thank you for writing exactly what I needed to read, exactly when I needed to read it)

Jóna said...

Ah, how i love this post.. and not just saying that because Colin told me to suck up to other bloggers ! just got divorced myself, this hits close to home, heart and soul !

Thank you for the words

Erin said...

What you described after reading the book happened to me after reading this. I've been on the fence about a new relationship (potential) & you reminded me that regardless of how amazing it feels presently, I have to remain centered & not wake up to find myself in a foreign place, unrecognizable... Thank you

AlexMac said...

This post is perfect for me. I've been looking back and hurting because holy god, how did I ever think it was okay to have that in my life?

But I am also worried. I'm moving forward in my life, for the most part beautifully, even in a new relationship. I want to trust my instinct, listen to the voice I was shushing before. But I can be so stupidly paranoid and self-loathing (working on it) that I don't always know what voice in Instinct and which voice is You Aren't Good Enough. How can you untangle those?

Anonymous said...

I didn't listen to my intuition in my last relationship, and ended up cancelling a wedding just three months before the big day when I finally hard hard evidence that my gut was right all along. I'll never doubt it again. That little voice is there for a reason. Listen to it.

P said...

Fabulous post Chelsea!

Right now, it's my brain I'm not listening to. But that might be the right thing to do, because I always overthink things anyway...

Laskmy @Ohmylaskmy said...

This was truly something I needed to read. I love this post. I feel like I was just going through the exact same thing, so it definitely resonated with me.
Love your work!

Alissa Anne said...

Oh my goodness, "Forgive yourself for knowing, for sensing danger and running head first anyway."

I adore this. You're a fantastic writer and oh, how I can relate. Thank you!

Cobalt Violet said...

Oh my god woman... I can SO relate!
I didn't listen to the voice that said "run."
My mom said you should "feel cherished."
She's right. Cherished isn't just loved ... it's taken care of and APPRECIATED.

Good for you and for me.
We are running with the wolves again!
(so funny, I pulled out that book last week!!)

The Singing Nurse said...

Great post! Really needed to hear that right now.

JacPfef said...

so many thoughts ran through my head as I read this, but perhaps the one clearest, the one that shouted at the greatest volume - screamed, even - was, in fact, one of relief. "Oh my," it said, "I'm not alone after all."

Alisha said...

WOW! I just found your blog from Meg's wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell, and all I have to say is Wow!

Girl, I have been exactly where you are. The point where you realize you settled and you hate yourself for it, and for some reason you can't get out of the vicious cycle.
I can tell you though, you will make it out alive, and there is a guy out there that will make you feel amazing about yourself, and WILL be able to keep up with you, if not, push you harder and further than you ever thought you could go. Believe me, I found him! :)

So glad I found your blog! Following.

Lindsay said...

thank you for this...i can't even tell you how powerful this was to read. just like every other girl i've been there before and lost who "I" was in the process. get fucking mad and make things happen :)

Britta said...

This was just what i needed. Sometimes i find it so hard to find the right balance between being too demanding and compromising. But you're so right. Instinct. Deep down I do know what is right. Thank you.

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Loren said...

I've just discovered this blog and LOVE LOVE LOVE the way you write. Reading this particular post today..feels like my higher self talking to me. Just the pep talk I needed after ending an unhealthy relationship on the weekend I've known for a while wasn't right but found it tough to dig down and call it a day.
Thank you - i loved the part about forgiving yourself to ignore the signs, and letting the bits that have died grow back.
THis is just what I needed.