Monday, December 26, 2011

Look around Little Dreamer......

It's interesting what you see when you decide to view it from another angle.

...Like, right now- I'm sitting on the floor of my childhood bedroom, a floor I've cried on, meditated on, made love on (sorry Mom, Hi Dad, sorry.) On this floor, I'm usually facing one direction- towards where the door is, but tonight- I'm facing another wall.... again, a wall I've stared at a million times- I see different parts of Me from here.

There's a stack of sheet music under my bed, for instance- one book has a 100 songs, the other about fifty plus. I've only sang, mmm, 25? There's a birdhouse, an unpainted one. Some dried up paints.... one of my Great Grandmother's vintage feathered hats....

There are two canvases hanging on the wall, from when I went through the inescapable "painting phase," that us adolescent creative-types experience, despite actual talent for it. On them are pictures of Janis, Jimmy, Mick and lyrics from soul songs.

...To my left, a present from last Christmas that I never took out of the box, it feels like I received it yesterday. Apparently, "I'll do it later..." i.e. take-present-out-of-box, never happened- just like a lot of the things I say I'll "do later..." don't happen, not out of lack of caring, but out lack of attention to what you know matters to you. Painting silly futile bird houses. Singing all 100 of those songs. Caring for your gifts, pun intended and not intended, I suppose.

A guitar case. A portfolio from an old flame. Bunnies. Records. A painting of a little pixie girl blowing kisses to a group of canaries. A Writers Market book. Lanyards. A dreamcatcher. TREASURES AND PROJECTS...always projects, only treasures. Shall we go on a treasure hunt?

A vintage camera. Folders upon folders of poems and scripts, monologues, essays- most of which I've written, or studied and fell in LOVE WITH. Words and stories that nursed me, that I wanted to tell and live through.

An Andy Warhol wig. A bulletin board covered in mini-accomplishments; show fliers, ticket stubs, postcards and a little painting of a field full of poppies given to me from a painter in Florence. A room painted crimson red and beige, with obnoxious red splotches on the ceiling from stubbornly deciding to paint the room myself, damnit. A reminder of determination and brave choices.

See, when you forget who you just have to look around.

I never know how to handle New Year's. It's always a little melancholy to me. I don't want to let go of the things that morphed me through the year, the people and the experiences that GREW ME.

For being a Gypsy you think I'd be better at Goodbyes.

I put an incredible amount of pressure on myself, where I'm going, where I've been...if I'm "on the right track." Peering too far ahead makes me all... disappointed in myself. No matter my accomplishments and that has to stop. This is my dream, why wouldn't the things I dream within it be a reality....if it's all the same thing?

This last year was so full, to the brim and while I've been home all of that unsettled stuff has tapped gently on my shoulder and reminded me that it still has a presence, that it lingers. That sometimes all you need is to see a glimpse of what "was" and all the dots connect again. The familiarity rushes back, the shape and structure of him, of it, of us and me, of hoping. They all... fit, still.

A reminder that the past and the present aren't separate from one another and that what I WENT through is still what I'm going through and most importantly that who I was, is who I AM, even when I am changing.

I'm not one for resolutions, because I like to actively remind myself, daily to find RESOLVE, FORTITUDE AND INTENTION. So, I'll say this much... look around when you feel off track. Look, Chels. Do you see yourself?

Do it often. Be picky about the things and the people that you keep because they will be your reminders. Light and dark exist at once. Bitter and sweet, are sometimes the most delicious combo. That all of it- the dreams, the past, the future are one. thing. Nothing is separate.
Make more time to let things sink in. Demand it. To really chew on something for awhile. To give attention and to make solid. REAL time for shenanigans and trifling.

..For Real Talk with your kaleidoscope mind and your little, little voice inside that big, big soul.

....find resolve in being GENTLE, in being kind. In being patient with your mishaps and your uneasy footing. Change is a graceful and clumsy dance, let it sweep you.

When I think from the beginning to end of where I started last year, when the clock struck midnight to where I'll end up at midnight, this year, I can say this- it's been more and it's been less, it's been unexpected in both good and bad ways, all of that existing within the same perfect whole. I've had dreams all year that I'm going to the moon, must mean that's exactly where I am.

This is your dream. Look around.


Alma said...

Thank you for this, but most especially, "A reminder that the past and the present aren't separate from one another and that what I WENT through is still what I'm going through and most importantly that who I was, is who I AM, even when I am changing."

I've been on a journey to that same idea for a while now. It's been a difficult journey of trying to find my "old" self to reconcile this new self. Only when I finally judged that I was back to my old self, I figured out she was never lost. Just different.

That's comforting and sad simultaneously. I suppose some part of me wishes that girl was lost forever so there'd be documentation the whole thing happened. To me.

And I know it did--that I am not the same--but I guess, I'm still hoping to be obliterated. Funny how that works.

Amy said...

This is really beautiful, Chels.

doniree said...

THIS: "who I was, is who I AM, even when I am changing" is EXACTLY what I needed to read right now. I love you, little dreamer. Also, you forgot to mention the Britney Spears homage(s) on those walls ;-)

fabulousjunk said...

Lovely post. My mom always says this to me whenever I am stressing or beating myself up about things I should do, or shouldn't have done. She just simply says, BE KIND TO YOURSELF. I always remember that...


Keiko said...

Thank you for these words; thank you for helping my hurt to heal a little faster- deeper even. Here's to the New Year! Here's to love and life,
again and again! xoxo,


Lauren said...

Goodness. I have taken a hiatus from the blog world. I needed to focus on school, life, ME. But when I feel that life is swallowing me whole while at the same time crushing me with bricks, I bring myself to your blog. It always provides the opportunity to think, reflect, and feel partnership with others who, for whatever reason, are incapable of walking through life without so many thoughts and emotions. Earlier today I was wishing I were a simpler person, someone who can settle their heart, head and soul. After reading this, I take it back. Thank you for having the courage to type what so many feel and embrace the fluidity.

Susan said...

This was beautiful.

Caryn said...

"what I WENT through is still what I'm going through and most importantly that who I was, is who I AM, even when I am changing." - I think a lot of people go through these life changes in their 20's. I am in the process of exploring this myself, and it is a difficult challenge. Chelsea- this was a beautiful post. Thanks.

That Girl in Pearls said...

Fantastic post. From one dreamer to the next. Changing perspectives can be so eye opening. Love it!

Hope you're doing great!
That Girl in Pearls

Fizzgig said...

I always find inspiration in your words. Keep being you, and have an amazing 2012!!!

Dr. Cynicism said...

I've always enjoyed the newest of taking a different perspective. Pardon me while I sound horrifically cheesy and lame, but this post reminded me of the scene in Dead Poets Society where he stands on the desk. Perspective.

jb said...

Wow, that totally took me back to the past.... Great post. :)

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sbobet said...

WOW great article, it's really beautiful Chelsea

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