Thursday, January 12, 2012

Familiar things. Insomnia and....where are all the men in this town?

“Can we take a nap?”

They were the first words that spilled out of my mouth when we saw each other, in our comfortable familiar place, with familiar sounds, of puppies nails on the kitchen floor scurrying to give me a nuzzle around my ankles. It was a home where I’d spent days and hours working from the study, digging into the homemade granola that tasted different because they kept it in the fridge (and I liked it that way, because it was how they did it) making myself egg sandwiches and sifting through pictures of him as a little boy.

It was a home where I’d fallen in love with his family, where we’d had our first fight, where I napped. Because I felt safe enough there.

The energy I’d exerted, working myself up to be in his presence again without falling to pieces was enough to take me out for a week. With his basement windows, covered, 2pm sunlight aching to break through…. I could’ve hibernated there for the rest of the year. A year that I was so terrified of letting go of, because I knew that what was to come would be new and different and perfect, but every event, every holiday, every weekend and milestone would occur without him in it, or with him but a different "him." Valentines day would come again, as would summer, BBQ’s and St. Patty’s Day… Monday afternoon and Friday morning and all of them, unlike the memories before would be missing something familiar.

“Yes, we can do that….” He said, the outline of his shape so acquainted with the outline of mine and how we fit. I wanted him somewhere familiar. Somewhere that I was used to having him. In bed. Comfortably. Guards down. Equal playing field.

So we napped. We napped, because I wanted to trick myself for an hour, or two, or however long I could stay asleep- into thinking that we were “Us” and that life would SLOW for me. Those two seconds when you open your eyes and forget that the landscape has shifted. I wanted two seconds.

See, I have trouble sleeping a lot of time, he was always sort of my, “Sleep Whisperer” he told me stories, or he talked me out of nightmares- often, ones that I had about him- when I was asleep I was safe. Just the presence of him, the rhythm of his breath and the warmth of his body was enough to lull me….somewhere else. Somewhere cosmic and uninterrupted. It was the time that I trusted him the most, because he wasn’t meddling, or planning, or seeking someone different.

We were Us and we were simple. Sleeping.

Often holding hands, on our backs. Our different languages didn't get in the way and fuss with things, there.

I hadn’t seen him in months and we complicated things by using too many words anyway (something I'm guilty of more often than not), conversation could wait... I just wanted to nap. So we did.

It's odd, actually- It’s been surprisingly easy and uncomplicated- but quite possibly the most profound and complex situation I’ve ever found myself in all at once. It’s like, centuries ago in different lives when we were both kings and queens, paupers and peasants, we fulfilled our promise to one another, to love forever and ever and ever….and this time around, it just wasn’t in the cards. But, our souls still know the difference….

When he’s in trouble, on some Greyhound, on some quest for his Higher Self through alchemy and crystals, meditation circles and smoke signals, in the middle of the desert, running away….I text, “Are you okay?”

When I’m looking at the pack of cigarettes on my kitchen table, a nasty habit we formed together, my phone buzzes and says, “….Don’t smoke cigarettes ☺….”

When my heart is so full, so aching, so overwhelmed- he says, “I’m going to shine 33 seconds of light on you….” and for 33 seconds I feel just a little bit better.

We’re so obviously not meant to be with one another- but we still….just. love. So much.

He knows, he KNOWS how much I want the whole “dream.” I want a partner. I want an equal. I want my prince to look me in the eye and say, “let’s do this THING.”

Enough time has gone by now that I see what it is that I want. The problem is, I can easily find men who fill in categories where he was lacking…. I can find missing “pieces”- but it isn’t “missing pieces” that’s the goal. It’s the whole thing.

He knew…that I was shiny. He saw that I shined. While, now…. I can barely get a boy who I have a crush on to return a text message?

He knew that I existed in both simple and complicated frames of mind at the same time, that I was equal parts ambition and dedicated lover. That I was lay-down-in-the-middle-of-the-mother-fucking-train-tracks for you, loyal, but never. Ever. A doormat.

That I was worth being treated like a fucking goddess, but not to feed ego, or pride or some chicky insecurity, but because I would treat HIM like a my counterpart and that together we were celestial, powerful and treasured, because WE valued each other. We said without saying, “I see you.” Soul understanding, ya see?

He knew that I would be a mother who picked two books every night, acted out ALL THE VOICES…. and always stretched “bedtime” with room for two more…..

He knew that I was “too much…” but he would never want me to operate and FEEL like I was. LIGHT IS NOT MEANT TO BE DIMMED DOWN OR DIMINISHED.

So, while we can nap and love one another, in different times and spaces, presently and nostalgically- he’s still a boy. On a journey, one different than mine. We were a We once, but now we aren’t and the times that I want to say, “I wish you were here…” and he says, “I’m exactly where I need to be.” I know that he’s right.

….and I guess, so am I. Exactly where I need to be.

I just wonder, will anyone else ever see me… through a lens as transparent as his….or, will they even try?



iampisspot said...


Beautiful and eloquent.

Your writing is simply stunning.

im_anewsoul said...

After reading this my heart felt heavy. Sometimes the hardest thing is to take the first step into acknowledging that maybe the two of you just weren't meant to be. What I'm thinking about at the funnily enough the future. I still think the same thought, if I let him go will there be someone who would be willing enough to look at me? And And not be daunted by my past mistakes. Sometimes I feel like my mistakes are a scarlet letter that wards off potential suitors. But I know that I need to make myself happy.I accepted that if it was meant to be then I'll let it be. Life doesn't stop. Funny huh? Something that's so basic we forget it. Life moves on.

Bridget said...

I know that feeling well - the comfort of being with someone whom I suspect isn't on the same path as mine. It's heartbreaking when you wake up, especially when he isn't sure about where he needs to be either. It's what is on my mind and why I've been so heartbroken all week. It's good to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

Beautiful post. More importantly, thank you.

Just M said...

Ugh Chels. This is exactly how I feel.
He knows me. And even on the rare occasion that we speak, he will mention something so simple that he remembers that it makes my heart swoon.
It's so hard to understand how you can love someone so much and just not be able to be with then.

Keep shining.

I'm in a different town, but I agree with your question. Where are they?

melifaif said...

I am thinking ... WOW!!! Your writing is so lovely. So heartfelt. So empowering.

Stephenie Zamora said...

I hear this, on so many levels. So much love to you. xo

Allison Blass said...

This is a really difficult post for me to read, but one I really need to hear today. Powerful words.

Honey Bee said...

You know the difference between being loyal and being a doormat.

How do you do that?

Chelsea said...

I'm pretty sure I comment on every entry saying this, but you write my life, for sure.

I went through a lot of the same-- ending a relationship with someone who shares very similar dreams and supported my passions, no matter how "silly" they were. And even though i know we're not supposed to be together, my heart hurts thinking that i might not ever meet anyone else who is that much my equal.

How is it so difficult to meet someone else who really sees us? And how is it so easy for exes to say something so simple and bring forth so many emotions?

Keep being strong, love!

maggeygrace said...

This just made me cry. Literally. I am crying as I'm writing this comment. I think every word of this hit me like a seven ton tyrannosaurs rex. Or a herd of them- even though no such thing exists and never did exist in herds. I can't believe how hard you nailed every single thing I worry about. I'm in love, but I think I'm scared that it isn't the "right" love. You call it "the whole thing". I'm so in love and everything is right about him and he doesn't dim my light, but I'm scared that someday it will turn out that he is just a myriad of missing pieces and not the whole thing. That being said, one of the hardest things I've ever faced is the possibility of letting someone go because they needed to be at a point in their life that they couldn't achieve with me in it. They needed to shine.

What you said about napping is all too accurate, as well. Sleeping in general, to me, is the most intimate feeling in the world. When you are just two bodies laying in the same bed with only breathing to fill the silence, nothing else in the world exists except for that. Every guard is down. I think I fell in love that way- feeling someone hold me and letting myself hide inside of them from the rest of the world.

You're miraculous. You inspire me.

Thank you for writing.

Jo said...

You just left me speechless. I used to have that kind of connection with someone in the past, and even when we grew apart, we used to be there for each other, and I'm pretty sure I'm not gong to find someone like him, and now he is no longer in this world, at least not physically, and I miss him so much, so you should be grateful for him and keep tresuring what both of you have.

San said...

Beautiful, Chelsea. As always. This is tough sh*t and sometimes I wonder why love, this beautiful, wonderful thing, can't be a tad easier.

Erin said...

Thinking about if I'm seeing him through a pre-set lense that I've chosen.... Am I only seeing what I want to see? Thanks for this....

Dan Perez said...

Beautifully written. Nuff said.

Fizzgig said...

i think about this all the time. I love this post and I think I read it exactly 5 times. I can relate to this in so many ways.

when you have a connection so deep and grand, it is so hard to let go and let someone else have a chance to "one up" that. I am there now.

It's so great to read that I am not the only one!

Anonymous said...

"Often holding hands, on our backs. Our different languages didn't get in the way and fuss with things, there." - - LOVE this line. Our different languages didn't get in the way. So right on. I, too, read this post over and over. I look forward to reading your blog. Please don't ever stop writing. :) -Steph

Dot Neriah said...

It's eery reading the very words that my heart has been crying about. You just described my bestfriend (of over 10 years) and I . in all ways we are soulmates- old souls that will always be together but just not in this life time. this lifetime we're on different paths and We realised that 3 weeks ago and I am still healing from the shock of it all.

Peter said...

Finding someone who can see that you shine is the hardest part.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

wow, all of your comments are just, so so, so amazingly lovely and sweet and I love all of your stories. Thank you for reminding me/inspiring me to keep on keepin on.... ;)

notanotherblog said...

I am in love with your writing style, and I look forward to reading more of your posts. Amazing read, and it felt personal. Like a close friend was telling it to me. Absolutely beautiful.

Phoenix said...

This is so gorgeous and heart-wrenching. I have been there - oh, how I've been there. And I once wondered what I was giving up, and if another guy could EVER love me the same.

And the answer is no. He won't love you the same. The guy you end up spending the rest of your life with will love you better than all the other guys combined. And then you'll know - it was worth the wait, to keep searching, to keep looking.

I promise. It's worth it not to settle.

Anonymous said...

I had a love once. And to word it that way makes things seem so simple. Thing was it never was...

We came from two different backgrounds but grew to be the best of friends and later high school sweet hearts. We knew each other inside and out and allowed each other to be just ourselves. Our backgrounds were so different that it lead to two years later us having to break apart. For years we loved each other but we both knew it wasn't ever gonna be enough. But somehow that magnetic pull would always bring us back to each other with the constant reminder of how wonderful we felt about each other and yet also the very negative that hung over our heads. You see we would both have to sacrifice every part of our inner core of ourselves to be together...something on many occasions after dating we would always come back to and discuss.

One day I told him (about 4 years after since we had initially began dating) he had to move on completely. Get married to what it was he was searching for because I was not it. I knew it. He knew it. We hated it. But 6 months later he engaged and a few months after that married. Sadly he didn't even make it a year before he died. At that moment, I doubted every action I had made because if I had only know that I was only gonna have that amount of time with him...I might have just agreed and taken that plunge he so desperately wanted...but I would not be the same person today if I had.

The love that we had I have never known again or thought possible. I have met and dated but never found it...until recently. It came around the anniversary of his death and still shakes me to the core. I thought I got my one love story and wasn't meant to love like that ever again. But one day it just happened...he happened...and it was at a point that I had completely given up and went after trying to understand what else made me happy.

You will find it again. It will be different but when it hits you, you will be grateful for the steps you took and realize that if anything the love that you once had raised a bar to something even greater and more powerful then you even dared to imagine.

ameena said...

i think what i miss more than anything is someone to sleep next to, someone to greet me when i open my eyes.

once again you left me breathless. your talent is inspiring.

Emily said...

This is so phenomenally written. Love your work.

Nikkiana said...

Mmm. This sounds so much like the way things are between the fellow I call my best friend and I...

Unknown said...

There are not enough words to thank you for this post. For so eloquently and full of feelings-y expressing absolutely everything I can't put into words. Thank you.

With love.

busana muslim said...

woww great post good luck

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. It's difficult when your paths just don't match up at the same time. You are a beautiful writer and this made my heart happy with your honesty. Happy Valentine's Day.

Anonymous said...

Well, Miss Chelsea, You are never dis-appointing, never boring,but always such an inspiration, a gem of a young lady! Keep it up.I'm so proud of you! Though I suppose that isn't my place, I just know that, with all of the talents that you exude, you will be a huge deal, one day, very soon!!! And, more important, a great man, tall and handsome, will sweep you off your feet, and keep you and cherish you, for all of your lives, together, in wedded bliss.And, I know it can happen.It happened to me, just later than I thought.:O) Can't do anything but love you, so much.And, who wouldn't? xoxoxoYour secret admirer ..