Wednesday, March 28, 2012

It's okay to ASK. For more PARMESAN. For more cuddles. For help. ASK, ASK. ASK.

I lifted my heart to the heavens and asked that it be filled.

Ah, isn't that such a vulnerable moment, the ASKING.

...The asking of anything, really; permission, grace, advice, guidance.... ten more minutes, unapologetically declaring the need for more pleasure, or some damn directions. Extra cheese. Real answers. Proof. A little more time. There's great confession is ASKING and when there's a confession, you also reveal a wound or a "heart-piece." A, "hey, I trust you enough to tell you what I need right now." Asking is RAW and when something is raw, it is tender and when something is tender, it is when we are in the place of asking we're admitting that we ourselves are fragile and that no matter what emotional facade we may build up around us, we are not made to be emotionally, physically or spiritually bulletproof.

Almost two years ago I went through what is my deepest ache-the one that left the floor and Iintimately familiar. Yes, while seemingly trite it was my first, real, true love heartbreak. See, I'm acutely aware that a breakup isn't an ounce of the pain or heaviness that people struggle with in the larger scheme of life, however, the dark hours that followed for me were as a result of this experience. The point isn't that specific experience but the things that I carried from it as a result; you will not feel this depth of pain, to this capacity forever. Even when it feels like it now, the Gods above will grant you some respite before you crumble. And, the most important one was this;
It is our job to lift people up.
Caring, is not a "special personality trait" it is what we are here to do. If we aren't genuinely caring, unconditionally loving, connecting- holding and selflessly giving to those around us, what matters?

.... remember how supportive all of you were, when I was revealing my cringeworthy pain to you?

When I was heaving in a ball, clutching my heart and a pack of cigarettes, you were planning, scheming, sending prayers and notes. With no expectation, just to 'wave hello' that you were out there, thinking of me. I didn't realize the expansiveness of what it felt like to be HELD until I went through that. But, the thing I also didn't prepare for was; In order for me to heal, part of what I needed to do was reveal to those dear the parts of me that were still aching.

While, I see infinite magic, miracles and awe in this singular precious life that we're living, I recognize and acknowledge that there is true pain and heartbreak happening. That we're all surviving and navigating through our own suffering. We're experiencing loss of our loved ones, our visions, our self-control, our fortitude. Our minds. We're hurting. We each have different degrees of pain, on different timelines, wearing different outfits. But all of us have it. Which makes this whole COMPASSION thing, pretty essential.

Be there before someone needs to ask. Rush to their side. Assume they need tequila. Assume they need you to listen. Assume they need a bowl of spaghetti. Be still and silent. Expand your own heart and test your humanity by beving brave enough to truly comprehend what they must be feeling. When the words on the tip of your tongue are just answers for YOU, reevaluate them and give words made for who's in front of you. Take yourself out of the picture. Reserve your need to find a solution, or be right, or make a judgment and realize that by presently being with someone the answers you thought you had for them, actually work both ways and that there's something they're teaching you too. Make a little more space in your heart.

Pour one out for the homie. Dedicate a prayer, mindfully.

Send out a practice. A poem. A card that says, "...we'll find our 'happy.'" Send pears, or cabernet, bad chick flicks, or text messages full of emoticons.

Feed. Nurture. Nap with. Peel. DO THE HEAVY LIFTING. All for someone else.

...and if you are in the place of asking; it's okay.

Declare what you are and what you are not. What can be and what you need a little help with for awhile.

Give your pain a name and let the people who love you, snuggle up next to that distinct, bitter anguish and let them endure the thing with you. When you feel stale and vacuous, ask for a sip of their light to start the engines again. Then let them sweep you away from the ache, if even for a moment and make you smile again. Let them distract you. Take you on an adventure. Stimulate your senses, through food and music and newness. Let those around you make you feel alive again, when you're enduring the deepest opaque moments, when you think it isn't possible- feel. alive.

There's a reason we have the ability to hold each other. So keep your arms open.

If sleep, or the night. If food, or the mirror. If loneliness, or the silence. If unanswerable questions, or the confusion. If the ability to make a five minute plan, let alone a 5 year plan is plaguing you, we're here.

When you need a ride. Someone to tell you a story. A partner in crime. Physical presence. A light. Someone to count to three for you so you can scream on four. A person to look you in the eyes and say, "'re going to be okay." When you need these things, ASK. But more than asking, be these things. This is our job, it is part of the human condition to take care of one another.

Let's stick together shall we? I got you.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

My idea of balance is like.... eat broccoli all week, or live on cheese plates and whiskey. ALSO TITLED: The blog about Self Awareness.

"Something hit me in the stomach today; he could, can, will move on and be with someone else eventually. Then, I got really sick. So there's that. It's distant enough at this point that I recognize that statement as a reality. And... my ego doesn't like the idea of him getting to move on before, that was honest."

I typed these words to a dear friend yesterday. And while I don't generally lack the ability to be forthcoming, I momentarily, somewhat unknowingly, admitted a subconscious fear.
The way friends always seem to know how, she said the thing that is a truth but one I hadn't quite pinpointed.

"I appreciate your self awareness."

I appreciate your self awareness. The words turned around in my mind. Somersaults. Up and over.

The thing is, are any of our fears really subconscious? Or are we blindly turning our head towards a different view, because we just aren't ready..... there's a difference between being unaware and between being unprepared to handle a truth.

Often, the moments we have an "AHA!" we're really just finding the lock that fits the key, we knew there was a key. We knew there was a lock. They just existed in different places in our lives. Whatever was behind the door was maybe, something we weren't prepared to handle. Something we weren't ready to accept into our lives... to let assist in our evolution of spirit, self, movement.

The answer doesn't always present itself in one conspicuous gesture. The answer is a riddle.
The answer is a journey, that involves a lot of mini-answers along the way. Yes, no. Mhm-yeah-baby-more-please and hell-to-the-never-ever-fuck-that-shit.

EVERYTHING we are doing is honing our self awareness. Polishing it, so the "Yes" feels more effortless and the "No," is less frequent- there's less to say No to, when we start dancing with the things that we know are parallel with our Yes.

I'm a big believer in making friends with your fears. Letting them live on the surface so you can become familiar with the things that feed their hungers in a positive way and that feed them in a negative way. A precautionary step to avoid any sneak attacks, if you will. "Why hello little fear, you little punk, stop ruining my day- shall we have a cookie and hash it out?" That's more my approach.

::disclaimer, hippie shit is about to happen:: Click to Pinterest, Facebook, etc. now if you aren't down. Ok. Back::

The other day while I was on my yoga mat, surrendered, my thumbs at my Third Eye a voice said, "Hey.... I'm always here. You just have to ask me to wake up." What parts of yourself need to wake up.... it's already there. We may not hibernate, but parts of our spirit do if we don't urge them to stay awake.

I am intimately aware that:
My idea of nurturing myself is often counter intuitive. Sometimes, the things I do to "nurture" myself, are things that feed the wrong beast. I am aware that, while I may resist certain cravings, they are almost always right and if I ignore them, it only perpetuates their eagerness and deprivation. I am aware that truth rises to the surface, always.

I am aware that my idea of "being an adult," is skewed. I am aware that I will never, probably ever, be comfortable with making plans two weeks in advance and not being tempted to break them. Or, having to answer to authority. Or remember which bills I paid on time. Or having a well balanced fridge. Lucky Charms? Modelo? Broccoli? Marinara? Almond butter? Done. I am aware that I will have to work around my "imperfections," but that it also makes me keen on improvising and that, just like Truth I rise under pressure.

I am aware that I could use some work in the laundry department. That my friends are better at sending gift baskets than I'll ever be. That I go cross eyed when you talk about numbers and that I fear my relationship with money is a long road.... but one I don't want to admit, out of fear that it will keep me from embracing it. I am aware that at the core of everything, I'm actually a performer. That I'm happiest on stage. Or in front of a camera. Or a microphone. That I'm afraid I'll be chained to a chair forever and ever while my Gypsy implodes. I'm aware that I am fearful of imploding.

That I kind of have a temper. That I'm terrible at not getting my way. (that I usually find a way to get ' my way' and that, that particular conquest drives to the edge of insanity.)

That my two things are; love and significance. That when I'm in love my need to feel "significant" lessens, to the point of extinction. That there's a reason one was taken from me. That these two things need to find a way to live beside one another, eventually. I am aware that I like to fucking GO THERE, let's get our hands dirty. Bullshit meter, on high.

That sometimes self awareness is a rabbit hole. Which makes me weirdly insecure. That I want to lift people's consciousness, but that starts with lifting my own first. Through art. Through words. Through action.

I am aware that this blog is too long. Hi.

What are you SELF AWARE about? Good, bad, in between.