Wednesday, July 3, 2013

July 2012: 13 Things I Didn’t Believe My Mother Was Right About When I 13....BUT SHE TOTALLY WAS.

  Me Age 13: Lanky, awkward, braces wearing Posh Spice.

13 Things I Didn’t Believe My Mother Was Right About When I 13....BUT SHE TOTALLY WAS.

1. Don’t pick at it.
Initially, she meant my skin. “Stop picking,” she'd say sternly. Now, I realize that this applies to multiple things, the obvious ones: chipping nails, threads on your pillows, threads in general. The whole thing will eventually unravel if you keep at it. Not so obvious: when someone says “enough,” stop trying to pick your way in... people peel back emotional layers when they’re ready to, don’t pick at them. When he keeps forgetting that singular sock by the door, you’ve already told him it irritates you one time.... choose your battles, he DID do the laundry...don’t pick at him just because you can. That thing your BFF does that makes you cringe? Little details are more apparent the more you know/love someone, so let it go. Consider your irritation a privilege of being that close to their hearts. Don’t pick.

2. Nothing Good Happens Past Midnight
Sure, you know what happens past midnight? More shenanigans. More chances to say something, do something and potentially, be something that you may regret in the morning. Text messages past midnight? No bueno. Another cocktail past midnight? You can do it, but 9am won’t like it. That party you keep chasing? Stay put, it’s never as awesome as people are making it sound.

3. Don’t Date Him If He Hangs Out In His Basement All Day
Okay. So, when it’s put like that it sounds obvious. But, we all know what it’s like to crawl into someone’s cave with them. It’s dark and damp and perfect for cuddling. It’s also; stale, lacking light, skewed reality, isolated away from other human beings and sequestered from the outside world, where LIFE is. Where things grow and flourish. It’s okay to hide out every now and then....but not as a lifestyle choice.

4. Put it Away.
IT: your laundry, your shoes, your dishes, your books. Put. It. Away. Not so obvious: all the junk in your car, your “bad day” that you carry into a room thus making everyone else have a bad day with you. Unnecessary details, expressing dislike of another human being. Gossip. Your bad attitude. Useless criticism, towards yourself and others. Whining...and so on...

5. Only Reveal One Asset At A Time
If you show some leg, keep your chest to yourself. Skin is good, but not all of it at once. Same goes for makeup, if you do a strong lip, do a light eye. Dark eyes, light lips. Also see: Leave Something to the Imagination and Less is More

6. If He Doesn’t Love His Mother, Run the Other Direction
When you’re thirteen boys don’t always understand the VALUE of their Mother. So, you let it roll off your back. The older they get and the more women they date, meet and consider as a potential life-partner, they BETTER be considering their mother. A man that loves his Mother understands, respects and values women. He knows their role is imperative to keep the wheel turning, thus valuing women on a deeper level entirely. A man that speaks ill of his Mother, while he may have his reasons, likely has some resentment built up....that’s a heavy load to deal with....and at the end of the day, it isn’t YOUR job to undo all of her wrong doings. It’s a harder job than you think..... (speaking from personal experience.)

7. Don’t Wear White Eyeliner.
Self explanatory. Unless, you’re a makeup artist you probably don’t know how to do it right. So just, ya know, don’t.

8. Stop Saying You’re Fat, You Aren’t Fat.
Okay, so maybe you’re soft. Maybe you and your best friend occasionally polish off a smorgasbord of Ben & Jerry’s flavors because you’re “taste testing” at midnight, but you’re also having the best time ever. Listen, soft is beautiful. Soft is forgiving. Soft is feminine. We can ALWAYS be “better.” There’s always room for improvement. 2lbs, 5lbs, 9 ½ lbs...whatever.... the most important thing is that you’re being kind to yourself. Find people that don’t make you feel inferior OR superior based on your weight, either way. We’re always fluctuating, our bodies are never stagnant and neither are the choices we make about them. Just be kind. You’re beautiful.

9. Don’t Be “That Drunk Girl” At The Party
I love wine, I can enjoy myself and have a good time. But we all have to know our limits and occasionally to figure out what those limits are you figure them out by extending past them and then checking your phone records in the morning like, “Why the &!$* did I call my ex from 2007 at 1am....why was this a 14 minute conversation?” ::shudders:: There’s nothing worse than thinking in the moment that you’re “connecting” with someone and then you wake up the next day, have no idea how many details you told them about your life or why/how you’ve become “best friends,” but then you have to relearn it all “sober.” Which is more embarrassing if they weren’t equally as toasted as you. Trust. Word to the wise: keep it to a miniumum, two is enough. Drink at home, in your cozies, with your best friends who will love you regardless of your vino-fueled absurdity and dance moves.

10. Don’t Be “The Lowest Hanging Fruit.”
...this one coincides with #9, often. Low Tree Fruit is the “fruit” i.e. girl, that’s easiest to grab. One that doesn’t require much effort, let alone a first date. You know what I’m talking about. You know WHO I’m talking about. At the end of the day, you’ll want the man who is willing to “climb the tree.” Not the guy who looks for the disclaimer titled: “little assembly and effort required.” Anything worth having is worth working for. You included.

11. Don’t Be Late
I grew up figuring out how to waste time effectively in ten minute increments. This was the story of my life. Because no matter how busy my Mother was, she made sure I was ten minutes early, EVERYWHERE. I used to find this incredibly annoying, then the older I got I realized the people that were usually late in my life, were the ones that didn’t have much respect for my time. She would say, “Remember, people that are constantly late believe their time is more valuable than yours.” Plus, being ten minutes early gives you time to freshen up, find the bathroom, find a good parking spot. Also, call your mom back...perfect ten minute window.

12. Have at least ONE signature meal that you can make.
Listen, my Mother worked at night, she taught dance until 10pm, so “dinner,” to me was usually a combination of whatever I could find at Conoco, or 3 spoonfuls of peanut butter and a bowl of Lucky Charms. BUT, when she was home.... she made the most amazing meals...while I didn’t acquire the “Italian Girl Who Can Cook,” gene...I do know how to make one thing; Lasagna and Grandma’s secret sauce.

13.  Be you. 100%, no imitations. Authentically, YOU.
When you’re 13, you probably want to be like so and so, because “everyone loves her....” or, “because her hair is so thick and shiny, she has the perfect ponytail...and her parents have a cool boat.” Or fill in the blanks. Now, I realize the ones that are closest to me, know all the parts of me...the good, the bad, and everything between. But ultimately, they love me for being 100% authentically, Chelsea. Those are the relationships that, you’re so cool.

What did your Mom tell you??

Nov 2012: On knowing when to let it be and let it go.

There will be ways that you will break hearts, but you won't know you've done it until you see them break.

There are layers upon which ones heart tears.... fractures. Gets punctured, beyond the surface. These layers seem harmless until they aren't- until someone tells you they "need to talk." Or, that "they can't stop thinking about you." ::cringe::

You will break hearts and then you will see parallels, wounds that you inflicted in the exact same shape as the wounds you've endured. And you'll think, "but, but.... I never meant to. I didn't have ill intentions." Because you didn't. You were just doing what felt right, right then. Unlike one part of the party, you weren't considering the future. Or hoping for one.

You started flippantly using phrases like, "It is what it is, until it isn't..." or "We're together when we're together." You say these things you've been told before..the things you knew were wrong to accept, but you did anyway...because accepting little felt better than accepting nothing.

The thing is, this isn't you. You're attentive and sweet. You want to be the most present, vulnerable and open-hearted woman.... true blue, that kind. That's you.

Lightbulbs go off, when you forget to text someone back- you read what they said when you were in the car, or out with someone else....sipping a glass of Rosé and doing that usual charming thing you do, opening up about things that don't usually come until months into the relationship. Giving them a false idea that they've gotten a glimpse into you that was solely something "special for them." But you know it isn't. You know you do this. 

You do this "thing."

...because it feels good to connect to someone. Even if it isn't always the right someone. To tell them who you are and to make eye contact, and it feels equally as good to walk away. To give them enough that holds you over, emotional intimacy with no attachments, because YOU decided from the beginning that they weren't "Your Guy." They were just your guy for "right now." You can be so severe. So One Strike You're Out. Even if they strike is meaningless as his taste in cheese, or the order in which he layers his lunch sandwich. You just cannot handle that he puts the condiments between the turkey and the cheese. Cannot. handle.

Fucked up, huh?

Oh, but then there's that text message. Shit, you forgot to write him back. So you do, you make a lame excuse a day and half later. You haven't totally forgotten, you like him.
You like him enough.

... then it clicks, that sort of click where you realize the one you actually want- does the same thing to you. Because he likes you enough.... but you aren't The Girl. Now that you've seen the truth, so distinctly mimicking your exact actions... you feel like an asshole. Both in your recklessness with another's frantic mind and hopeful heart, but also for making excuses as if maybe your particular situation was unique.... but you know what? wasn't.

...he wasn't looking at your Facebook, or wondering what you were up to, or thinking about whether you were actually the girl for him or not- weighing his options, making sure he was "ready." He wasn't staring at the phone, or replaying that thing you said, when you felt pretty and he was looking at you like you were- because he probably doesn't even remember it, because he isn't attached to you. He isn't hungry for your attention, or your words, or your affection. He wasn't doing ANY of that- like your friends so convincingly tried to soothe you with at various points, the way girlfriends do... when the don't want to recognize and admit that he just. doesn't. want you. Sometimes, (most the time) it actually is that simple.

When someone likes you, they engage. They rearrange plans. They're threatened that if they don't snatch you up, someone else will....because you're a fucking amazing catch. The kind worth snatching. Do you hear me? YES, YOU. You are an amazing. fucking. catch. 

And so are all of those other guys.... the ones whose messages go unanswered, or whose words fall upon your checked out ears. They're good. They'll be good to someone. Let them be good to someone who wants to be good to them in return. Who leaves dinner and thinks about them while they fall asleep, who checks up and is interested in their day, who thinks that waking up next to them is the best way to start a morning.

You'll know when someone likes you. That sweet boy, with the charming accent and the turquoise rings.... he didn't leave room for doubt, "you're lovely," he promptly followed up. The one who wanted to walk you to your door, but promised not to make any moves...... who waited a couple days to call, as a gesture of respect rather than carelessness. The one that wanted to hear about your trip, was eager to take you to dinner and collected inside jokes like little treasures.

You will know. 

So let what is, be just that. Don't keep looking in the direction of someone who isn't looking back. Let it go. One of these days the pieces will match up and someone will look right back at you...... 

Be gentle, little heart warriors, take good care.

Are you handling hearts with care???