Tuesday, March 4, 2014

How to Not Communicate Like a D*ck

Just because you don’t want to talk about it doesn’t mean that the “it” goes away.

Telling someone “it’ll be okay,” without working through their emotions with them doesn’t make them FEEL like it’s going to be okay. It feels like a dismissal.

Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t make the other person’s feelings any less valid. Just because you don’t believe it doesn’t mean it isn’t true for them. By belittling their truth, you create a fissure when you have the opportunity to create a connection. You create disconnection, when you could be building trust.

Silencing yourself doesn’t make the inner chatter any less loud. This is where resentment comes to fester. Don't be a festering pool. Gross.

Life isn't always about what you want. People's emotions aren't always going to align with yours. Stop being a baby. Find a better way of cooperating.

Just fucking listen. If you don’t understand it’s probably because you aren’t hearing.

Communication is work. It takes accessibility and practice. It doesn’t happen magically. Stop acting inconvenienced by this being a fact. It’s a fact. Do work.

Disengaging is only helpful when; the other person is hurting you, you have a wretched sore throat, or you need time to process & articulate your feelings. All other times; dick move. If you need time, TELL THE PERSON YOU NEED TIME.

You're not always right. I know, it's a jagged little pill to swallow, Alanis said it first.

Try, with ALL YOUR MIGHT to keep your ego out of the picture. When someone is arguing with you it’s likely because they want to be heard, seen, and understood.  Above all, they’re fighting for something they care about- likely, that something is you. At the very least it’s something you both care deeply about, or there wouldn’t be an argument. Start there. Common ground is where you build from.

Communication has to be “solution based,” if you’re talking in circles you’re being a narcissist. Identify the issue and come up with solutions. If you’re not ready to solve it, stop talking about it.

You’re not perfect. Take responsibility. It takes two stones rubbing together to create friction. You’re a stone.

Consider the conversation ratio. How much have I been talking about myself and how much do I know about the person in front of me? If you feel like you just had a therapy session, you probably need to work on meeting in the middle.

For when you're already in the ring, essential Rules for Boxing: No hitting below the belt. Give time for the other person to get back on their feet when you make a jab. Make it a fair fight. "You cannot spit out your mouthpiece on purpose to get a rest." In other words; you don't get to bow out cause "you're tired." When you're in it, you're in it. Win. Lose. Truce. Go home.

Raising your voice isn’t necessary. But fuck, it happens and it usually happens when you feel like you’re talking to a brick wall. Whether you’re the Wall, or the Scream NOTICE your contribution to that reaction. Every action has a reaction, screaming is often one of those.

Suppressing emotion is like drinking poison. If you can’t tell someone how you feel, you probably need to find someone who you can.

...on the flip side, if you aren’t allowing someone to feel how they feel, where is your block coming from? Sticking your head in the sand, ignoring reality, or clamming up are detrimental to your health, happiness and overall emotional growth and intelligence.

SHOW EMOTION. Stoicism isn't always the remedy. Undeniably in life there are times when you have to bite your lip, power-through, and put your head to the wind....but in many cases stoicism is the opposite of strength.

Digest your anger before verbalizing it. Sweat it out, let is simmer, scream in the car... do not direct it towards a human. We are not made to be verbal punching bags. Once the anger has cooled THEN talk about where/why/how/solution.

Name the thing. Communicating shouldn’t be a sneak attack. If there’s something that needs to be laid out, call a time, find a table, lay it out. No side-swiping or shanking. Have the courage to deal with it head on.

Apologizing is gold. It is brave and it is golden. It doesn't make you foolish or weak for admitting your mistakes.

Covering everything with a  positive affirmation isn’t sure-fire alchemy. Validating the wound, the ache, the struggle is a part of the transformation towards goodness.

You can’t ignore the root truth with a cover-up. It always comes out. Cover-ups make people feel like you think they’re an asshole. Just get to it, be transparent, don’t play people for a fool.

Do everything with kindness in your heart. With pure love. With hope for a positive outcome. Where there’s aggression, or aversion the chances to find a peaceful solution is slim. Want for the best, for the happiness and wholeness of both parties, communicate with a pure heart, drama-free intent, and willingness to take responsibility. You will feel so. much. better.

How DO YOU communicate best?


Anonymous said...

Oh, you have NO IDEA how perfect this post is for me right now. You speak truth, lady. Thank you thank you.

Akirah said...

Wonderful. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Love it. So happy to see you blogging more regularly again. Your posts are always inspirational, full of heart and truth and so thought provoking. Thank you.

Namaste Beautiful

Unknown said...

I agree! People who shout loudest should be left til last!!

ThePixie said...

This is great. I love reading stuff like this from different POVs, it's very eye-opening. Digesting your anger before verbalizing it is so crucial as you mention, as well as having the right intention from the start.

Thanks for visiting my space! I'm enjoying yours so you've got a new follower on GFC and bloglovin!

Christine D. | The Plumed Nest said...

this should be required reading. very well said. i need to process, so i am a talker, i usually try to process my emotions with a neutral person before i go to the person i need to communicate with. this usually helps me in huge ways to sort out my points from my emotions and where they meet and affect each other, and what i am really feeling, what i really want to say, what resolution i am looking for. and it also usually helps for me to see another persons perspective so when i do talk i will be more ready to listen.

Amanda said...

Very insightful :) I have a coworker that is totally one of those people who energy suck and I have to stop and listen without really feeling what she's feeling so I can figure out what she's really complaining about and why. I only have so much patience. But just recently I read somewhere that patience is really just the consciousness of what is really happening, or something to that effect.

Thank you for sharing this, and for your comment on my blog :)

Anonymous said...

Sublime sister. It's so wonderful to hear from you.